Monday, 19 December 2005
Cross-eyed Registrar Plunges First Civil Partnership Ceremonies into Chaos as Ellen and Portia Both Wed George Michaels - Exclusive!!
In a bizarre service worthy of a Laurel & Hardy short, Ellen de Generes and Portia di Rossi were both accidentally married to George Michaels today as same-sex Civil Partnerships became legal in Northern Ireland. The couple had hoped to marry one another but due to extraordinary demand for the new Civil Partnerships, found themselves queueing to be wed by the same Registrar as the former member of Wham! and his prospective partner. But sadly, amid the teeming masses waiting to be joined in Civil Partnership, the boss-eyed civil servant's unfortunate habit of looking at de Generes when he was talking to George Michael's long-term partner Kenny Goss meant that at the crucial moment, the American comedienne blurted out her vows and unwittingly hitched herself to the gay icon and outspoken singer-songwriter instead of her own long-standing partner di Rossi.
To further complicate matters, in the shocked aftermath of the de Generes/Michael union, a confused and barely coherent di Rossi herself mistakenly accepted the troth of her young Arrested Development co-star Michael Cera. Cera, a guest of di Rossi's at the service and who, in a slice of comedic good fortune that would otherwise render this item completely gagless, also happens to play a character called George Michael in the hit TV comedy, had merely been trying to attract the Registrar's attention in order to excuse himself from the ceremony due to an urgent call of nature. But in a piece of pathetic slapstick unbecoming a civic dignitary, his frantic arm-waving was misread by the visually impaired and completely incompetent Registrar as a declaration of intent to marry the stunning Australian-born actress. Due to a loophole in the new legislation, couples brought together in the new partnerships must remain married for at least a month before they can severe the unions. So, in an attempt to cut their losses, both sets of wrongly-weds have decided to continue with their respective honeymoon plans regardless before attempting to extricate themselves from their erroneously entered into partnerships early in the new year.
But it was not all bad news. "Obviously, I've lucked out here", said a beaming and red-cheeked young Michael Cera from outside the honeymoon in suite in the Bahamas where he and di Rossi have been ensconced since their limousine carried them from the Registry Office, "but you've got to feel for Ellen and George. The whole idea of these new ceremonies is to allow same-sex unions so it does seem to be rather a dumb-assed way to go about things by marrying someone in the conventional manner. I just hope the anullment is a long time coming", said the scantily-clad young actor as he disappeared back into the suite with a tub of coconut oil and a loofah.
Meanwhile, George Michael and Ellen de Generesa read a pre-prepared statement from their yacht:
"We would like to apologise to all our friends and family for any inconvenience this misunderstanding has caused. Fortunately we have all been able to see the funny side of it and we'll have another crack in the new year. Next time we'll be bringing our own Registrar and giving him or her a full eye-test before we let them anywhere near the Registry Office!"
Love on y'all,