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Tuesday, 13 December 2005

Norman's Wisdom

Hi Swipesters!!

Today we offer for your delectation and delight the first of an occasional series in which we offer a platform for the controversial Britisher Pig Dog Guardianer columnist Mr. Norman Johnson. Norm's a bit of a wag and his peculiar take on contemporary left-of-centre politics has generated robust debate on the pages of Britain's foremost progressive newspaper (...and some heated discussion in the Guardian too!!...) Obviously, such plurality of views is completely anathema to the kind of progressives who would see an 80-plus year-old strong-armed out of the conference held by the party the old boy had been a member of since his youth...but what the hell! We like a frank exchange of views here on The Show, so ruffle as many feathers as you like Norm!

So, why don't I quit whittering on and hand you over to Norm? Lady and Gentleman, we at The Robert Swipe Show are deeply honoured to present the first glorious drips from the cup of plenty that is.....Norman's Wisdom!!

The one and only "Stormin'" Norman Johnson, in full Iraqi combat gear....

Hello Comrades,

As a prominent spokesman and commentator on progressive politics, I'm often asked how I can justify my supposed "leftiness" with my wholehearted and resolute support for the current war in Iraq. Well, I'm usually far too busy tying myself in knots and pulling at the far-too-short sleeves of my far-too-tight suit as I laugh hysterically whilst embarking on a series of comedy pratfalls; adjusting my cap and breathlessly calling out "Mister Grimsdale, Mister Grimsdale", before falling in love with the boss's daughter who will appear to be completely beyond my amorous attentions until the final scene when I serenade her with a song such as Don't laugh at me ('cause I'm a fool) and we walk off hand in hand into the sunset. But if I do have the time to stop and shoot the breeze by the water cooler (before I amusingly slide off its shiny surface and fall flat on my face in a comic heap on the floor), I usually ask them to take my "Are you a progressive or a Nazi?" test.

It's quite simple, all you need to do is say which of the options below best describe you and your political outlook and from these simple answers, I can pretty soon tell what side of the ideological rubicon you're standing on. Believe me, I'm very rarely wrong - they don't call me "Norman the Smartass Wanker" for nothing, you know! Why not try my acid political test and find out whether you are the sort who wants to Make Global Poverty History or if you're more likely to try to annexe the Sudetenland, create an Anschluss with Austria and invade Chechoslovakia and Poland....

Q1) I prefer...

a) Roobarb the cartoon dog to Custard the cat because he is pink and that probably makes him a bit less likely to be homphobic and thus more likely to hold progressive views generally. I suppose.

b) Custard the Cat is much better than Roobarb because I fucking hate commie pinkoes and they will be ripped from the body politic along with the ethnically impure, the gypsies and the homosexuals like the cancer that they are. Die Die Die you commie bastard dog!!

Q2) My favourite composer is...

a) Philip Glass - the clean lines of his minimalistic melodies offer a hopeful signpost for a better world ahead.

b) Wagner - great to stomp around to wearing a uniform and plotting putsches and genocide etc.

Q3) The finest blind singer/pianist of the 20th cenury was...

a) Ray Charles, because he created an irresistible fusion of Jazz, R & B, Gospel and Blues to provide the template for modern soul music.

b) Racist white punk group Screwdriver because they hate non-whites and want to eliminate them from the gene pool.

Q4) When considering the world we are creating for our children, we would be best to take as a role model...

a) Mahatma Gandhi - because his ceaseless search for peaceful solutions to the conflicts facing mankind offers us hope that we may not always need to use violence to resolve our differences.

b) Adolf Hitler - because he brought death, destruction, torture and instability to huge swathes of the planet, and he would probably have gone for stuff like PFI and Nuclear power because he was extraordinarily right wing and quite mad - just like Tony!

So, if you answered b) to each question, you can pat yourself on the back that you are, indeed, a progressive person! Well done. If you answered a) - well, nobody's perfect! (apart from the aryan master race, of course!!) Now, I can't sit around talking claptrap about politics all day - I've got a supermarket in Albania to open!!

Coming Comrade G-r-i-m-s-d-a-l-e!!!

More from Norm next week as he puts Genghis Khan's progressive credentials to the test with a few awkward questions about Play School puppets...

Love on y'all,


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