Bob Swipe's Guide To Managing Your Finances - 2006 Edition...

Woah Swipesters!!

Regular readers will have been eagerly awaiting my annual how-to guide on investments and savings as we near the end of the financial year. Obviously, if you've got the odd 6 figure sum that's mysteriously landed into one of your offshore bank accounts, now is pretty much the time to get that lovely wedge of Mafioso moolah working for you before those bastards in the treasury (sorry Gordon!) start trying to get their grubby little hands on it. Well, wait no longer! Over the next few weeks, we'll be telling you the best way to maximise the yield on any £300,000 lump sum donated by the incumbent Italian Prime Minister for services rendered you might happen to have lying around the house you've just mysteriously re-mortgaged....

Our beginners pack includes:

+++ 1 six figure bribe for keeping schtum about all the other staggeringly huge bribes your mystery Italian benefactor had been making to other prominent Italian politicians!!

+++ Free mortgage advice enabling you to raise a £300,000 loan on your current property. Then use our easily applied for insider dealing ready-reckoner to calculate the best place to plant the loan in a high yield offshore bank account for a month!!

+++ Our easy to follow "pay off the mortgage you've just taken out with the money received in bribes from your mysterious Italian benefactor money laundering scheme". One simple transaction wipes out the paper trail of all your previous irregular financial dealings, provided you haven't been stupid enough to write a note to your accountant saying "this particularly large sum of money was received by me from the current Italian premier for telling lies in an Italian court to cover up his part in the biggest Italian bribery scandal in the glorious history of payola"

+++ One prominent New Labour MP wife who will bring all the experience of her 9 years of "whiter-than-white" integrity, probity and trustworthiness as part of the administration that promised to eradicate the sleaze of the tory years and stand by you as you fight your appeal case once the Customs & Excise have thrown the book at you!! (Provided she doesn't get the boot first, of course....

Don't take our word for it! These are just some of the names of those who have benefitted from Bob Swipe's Guide to Managing Your Finances in the past:



Mandy from Islington writes:

Bob helped me secure the loan for my sumptuous London residence. "Just use your position to allow a couple of fabulously wealthy Indian businessmen to enter the country and you'll be laughing all the way to the EU Commission", he said. I never knew that living wildly beyond your means could be so much fun! When it comes to the abuse of power, Bob's a girl's best friend - and I should know, ducky!




Bernie from Monaco says:

Bob told me to bung the lads at New Labour a bit of wedge and they'd tailor-make any piece of legislation I wanted to my own own personal needs. So I did!




David from Islington says:

Bob told me to buy buy buy Biometric technology shares then draft up a ludicrous ID card bill to maximise my revenue. It would have worked too if it hadn't been for those pesky right wing journalists I was shagging the arse off....



Bob Swipe's Guide To Managing Your Finances is available from all good retailers (well, The Stationary Office) Now!!



Love on y'all,




Bob











© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Film 2006

.....Miramax films....













in association with Good Housekeeping Magazine.....








.....with the participation of the London School of Home Economics....





.....proudly present.....





Anthony Worral Thompson......










as Don.....






......Gordon Ramsay......










......as Gal......






......Delia Smith....







....and Nigella Lawson













.....as "the two birds".....







...with special guest appearance by Ainsley Harriott.....













....as "Aitch"......






in an Egon Ronay film.......












SEXY BISTRO.....









Gal Dove thinks he's escaped from his former epicurean lifestyle as he savours retirement in the Costa de Sol greasy spoon he has bought with his ill-gotten gains. But Don Logan has other ideas and plans to coax and cajole Gal into just one more 5-star maitre-d service......


Gal: "Phwooaaar - this kitchen's sweltering...scorching...roasting...."

Don: "I know, I'm sweating like a cunt"

Gal: "...reminds me Don...ere, put these parsnips in to sweat on a low heat for 15 minutes will yer?"

Don: "I will in a minute when I 'ave a piss"

Gal: "Well, just make sure you wash your hands after....and try not to piss all over the carpet again...."

"Aitch": "Yeah, I'm not eating stuff cooked by someone with pissy fingers..."

Don: "Aitch, behave I'm paying for your meal"

"Aitch: "I was just saying, like, Don..."

Don: "Is your middle name ungrateful or what?"

Gal: "...are these scallops ready to go in yet, Don?"

Don: "No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!"

Gal: "I was only asking....."

Don: "I find this astonishing"

Gal: "What's that, Don?"

Don: "Is this a fuck off Gal?"

Gal: "No, Don - it's an artichoke. Fuck knows how you cook it though...."

Don: "You ever watch that Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares programme, Gal?"

Gal: "No, Don. Any Good?"

Don: "I like it..."

Gal: "Why's that Don?"

Don: "It's the sheer fuckoffness of it all"




At a restaurant near you, from Friday....





Love on y'all,



Bob





......."That lump of shit said that?"



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Cheslea Girls!!!!

Yowser Swipesters!

Like many of you, I was rent with grief and anguish in the wake of Cheslea's ignominious defeat at the hands of those dirty cheating dago grease balls from Catalonia during the week. No way, Jose! You certainly was robbed by the theatrical diving of a certain diminutive Argentinian who shall remain nameless (...although, count your blessings Jose - at least the young rascal spent most of the game hitting the ball with his feet and not his mitts this time!!) Still, as the faithful along the King's Road will know, it ain't over 'til the female Brian Blessed impersonator sings, and as I write, she ain't even started to squeeze into her incontinence corset yet!

Anyways, I felt that those sporting and humble blues fans needed a little pick-me-up after the humiliations of Wednesday night and so, in association with Peter Kenyon Enterprises, we have put together a little behind the scenes insight into just what it is that keeps a smile on the faces of those poorly-paid artisans who have struggled against adversity to make Cheslea the pre-eminent force in British football. That's right, like Annie Lennox and Aretha before me said, behind every big man, there has to be a big woman - and that goes for you too, Shaun Wright-Philips! So, we are proud to introduce you to the ladies behind some of the biggest players in world football. Believe me when I tell you there are some real belters here to whom I wouldn't mind slipping a sliding tackle or two into myself! And to think most of us thought those boys in blue were all mincing, namby-pamby little arse bandits with wrists as limp as a soggy Old Trafford prawn sandwich....

Edie Sedgwick (AKA Mrs. Frank Lampard):



Edie started her career as left back for little known New York Division Two strugglers Queens Park Rangers. She is best known for her previous fling with Duluth legend Bob Dylan who is believed to have dedicated his song "Visions of Johan Cruyff" to her. "Ain't it just like the night to play tricks while you're trying to remove the third Adidas stripe from the sleeve of your shirt..." he sang, lovingly. Edie met Frank at a pro-celebrity badger baiting tournament in Berkshire and the two have been inseperable since. "She's a great little mover, with a terrific left peg and if it wasn't for the fact that she's the missus, I'd swear she was a cheap lowdown hooker with a substance abuse problem the size of the national debt!", beamed the England midfielder from his bedside vigil at the Priory.

Nico: (currently dating William Gallas)



Nico, or "The Kaiser" as she is known in her native Bavaria, is one of the most imperious players the game has ever known. Credited with inventing the modern libero role, Nico made her debut in the 1966 German national side that went on to lose to England in the final, before skippering her team to victory on home soil in 1974. Famous for her unusually high squad number - "she's number 37, take a look" - and elegant passing game, Nico still has close ties with former club side, Bayern Munich where she is a regular visitor to the home dressing room, and often helps to revitalise flagging players during the halftime interval with her own inimitable suction technique.

Ivy Nicholson: (currently stepping out with Arjen Robben, Eider Gudjohnson, Petr Cech and Steve Clarke)



Daughter of Tottenham legend Bill, Ivy brought disgrace and penury upon herself when she announced to her shocked parents that she was leaving home to become an Arsenal fan. Cut out of her father's will when the Gunners emulated their North London rivals by doing the double in the 1970/71 season, she nonetheless endured the largely bleak and trophyless 80s to be rewarded with a famous last minute of the season Chamionship win at Anfield in 1989. The recent success of her team under Arsene Wenger - they have won three league titles, four FA Cups and played some of the most exhilarating football anywhere on the planet during the Frenchman's reign - has done little to build bridges between the estranged family members. "I hope she dies in a Munich-style plane crash, the Arsenal scumbag", said her father via a full page advert in the Angling Times - a sure sign that at long last their frosty relationship is beginning to thaw a little.


Candy Darling: (current beau of handsome centre back John Terry)



What do you give the man who has everything? Well, if it's a female impersonator you're looking for, there are few finer than Mr. Danny La Rue. Sadly though, the experienced old Dame has lost a couple of yards of pace over the last few years and is easily turned by pacy wingers with a trick or two up their sleeves or a threat to phone the police if the sad old queen doesn't leave their cubicle immediately. Fortunately, the rise and further rise of young understudy Candy Darling has meant a seamless transition from reserve level to the first team for the plucky left back. Darling has filled La Rue's size 13 high heeled boots so well this season that there are many who would now give the younger man the nod over her more experienced team-mate. Sexy blocker Terry knows he lucked out when he hooked up with the agile wingback in the back of a seedy alley after a prolonged drugs, drink and aggro binge in London's West End. "I like to keep things tight at the back", said the England stopper, "and Candy's back passage is about as tight as you can get within the laws of the game. He'll roast you for pace as well, if you're not careful - which is handy, because that's about all we do when we're not training, playing video games or getting blasted off our bonces on high quality South American stimulants at 4 o'clock in the morning...."

Best of British to all our sides in the return legs - we'll be rooting for you!



Love on y'all,


Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Keeley Saying Something!!

Yowser Swipesters!!


Each week, we give British screen siren Keeley Hawkes a platform on The Show from which to spout her extremely forthright (and often downright offensive!) opinions. This week, Keeley will be venting her spleen over the state of the NHS. Over to you Keeley - get it off your chest, lady!!

Fuck my old boots!! What a right old bollocks up that


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Rowan and Martin's Laugh-in....

Yo Swipesters!!

Each week, we ask that lovable comedy duo, eroticist Rowan Pelling and Chris Martin from Coldplay to discuss their highly pressurised lifestyles. This week, the


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Limbless - the diary of an anonymous London girl with only one leg....

Come home to find The Bodie rewatching one of his infernal 70s cop shows. I'm thinking, if he doesn't change out of that smelly old leather jacket he got from the Princess Alice shop he's history. Still, he's got the cutest hair cut. "Alright bitch?" He demands, grabbing me towards him passionately and causing me to bash my stump on the arm of the settee. I'm like, "Yeah, not bad. And how's your self, you baity old cunt?" as he starts to fondle my scar. As we get down to it, I can hear my mobile rattling on the dining table. Probably a text from the hottie who sits opposite me on the tube. He's always sending me obscene (and highly improbable) boasts about what he's going to do to me down there with his prosthetic nose, a jar of ginko and a quart of gobstoppers. "Promises, promises", I text back as soon as I'm able to get The Bodie to dismount (not as easy as it sounds if, as today, he's got his belt buckle tangled up with one of my caliper straps). "C U @ 7.30". I'm thinking, this is terrible, going behind the Bodie's back like this. But I know what I'm like. If I don't get my one good leg over at least 6 times a night, I'm shot to pieces the next day and it plays merry hell with my concentration. What with it being Sudoku fortnight at the Community Centre, I can't afford to take any chances. Besides, he'll be grateful for the chance to get down the Fat Ox for a swift half and a round of cribbage with Doyle. Is it really worth all the guilt, breaking the heart of a seventies heartthrob gone-to-seed like this? Is that a price I'm really prepared to pay? Proving myself the mistress of oriental logic puzzles in the Women-under-thirty (Amputees) section, purely in order to improve my chances of winning an all expenses paid day trip to Skegness? I wonder, as I hop off to my tryst, if there'll be any of those nice black and white stripey humbugs.






Love on y'all,



Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Ask Mariella - An Apology...

Howdy Swipesters,

Well, we were hoping to give you another helping of advice from our ever-popular agony aunt Mariella Frostrup but, guess what? She's just rung in to say that - yup, you guessed it, she can't come to work for the next three months as she's - to quote her - "heavy with child" and faxed this photo in "to prove it"....




Now howdaya like that? The broad sits on here overpaid rump all day wagging her overpaid pinkie at teenage harlots who've got themselves up the duffer at 12 after one too many alcopops at the local Conservative club - and now I gotta stump up 6 months worth of maternity payments and get her back, dowdy and plump and stinking out the office with the reek of sour milk and baby vom, a tired wreck of her former self...

Anyways, we rang around a few folks we figured might be at a loose end and fortunately, help was at hand in the sleek, lithe, elegantly smalled and defiantly non-fecund form of our old favourite - Miss Dita von Teese!!




Dita kindly agreed to take Mariella's seat - after we'd cleared away the crumbs, stains and various preganancy testers and fertility enhancing appliances wedged down the back of it, obviously - and here's her first tilt at advising the confused and vulnerable of the parish - take it away Dita!

Thanks Bob.

Charles from Balmoral/Windsor/Cornwall/Highgrove writes:

Dear [Dita]

One is frightfully miffed at the way one's correspondence is being leaked to those bastard newspapermen at every turn. Nick bleeding Witchell is bad enough, coming around one's holiday gaff at all hours when one is trying to levitate. But this lot from the fourth estate really are a frightful shower. One just can't abide the thought of one's deeply held and sincerely argued opinions - on every subject from GM foods to re-introducing some of the lesser known old Royal Navy traditions such as the daisy chain beard weave or She-man corsetry - becoming public property. One ends up bracing oneself for a barrage of innuendo and mockery. Remember, one is the heir apparent - apparently - so one shouldn't be held up to the cynical scrutiny of every sink estate philosopher from Penge to Cricklewood. Besides, don't they know it's a lonely old life at sea? One implores you - can't anything be done about this absolute travesty. Can't one put 'em in the tower?


Needle Nardle Noo,



Neddy


Dita says:

Aaah come oif it ya cockamamie credin. Whaddaya expec'? Mailin' ya 'privade' ledders ta every Tom, Dick an' Henriedda an' den moanin' an' bitchin' cos dey en' up in da papers! Ged real jug ears and ged back ta ya organic hair weaves an' quid whingin' willya??


Why-yi-youghdda!!!


Dita

xxx



Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Blair Announces New Screen Test For All ID Card Applicants - Exclusive!!

Swipesters,

The government's proposed new ID card scheme came a step closer to becoming a reality today after behind the scenes horsetrading looked to have delivered a likely government majority for the Bill when it comes before the House of Lords. The Upper House was expected to raise a number of civil liberties objections to the idea of ID cards but delighted government sources believe that they have amended the Bill sufficiently to ease its passage through the second chamber.

"We need this new statute on the books so we can deter those who would try to replace our freedom with an authoritarian theocracy", said a New Labor insider. "I realise that there are a lot of objections, in both Houses and throughout the nation at large, to the idea of the government being able to store and to access large amounts of information concerning the citizens of this country. The main fear is that one day we may have a less enlightened government and one which, unlike the current one, might be prone to introducing increasingly repressive measures for fear of alienating the right-wing press, or lying to the house in order to take us to into a war we have already committed to in private, or encouraging a climate of fear in which civilians can be gunned down in cold blood whilst attepting to board a tube train on their way to work. Of course we must guard against such a state of affairs ever occuring here, but to suggest that we are moving towards some Orwellian dystopia in which one's every action is controlled by the state is absolute nonsense. Obviously, you won't be able to go anywhere or apply for any benefits without having the cards, but anyone who thinks that this will lead to them living in some ghastly authoritarian nightmare land where you can't smoke or poke fun at people's religion is living in cloud cuckooland. Or Belmarsh, more likely."

The Lords u-turn is believed to have been brought about by a last minute amendment to the legislation and incorporates a variation on Lord Tebbit's famous 'Cricket test'. The bigoted Tory grandee once complained that non-white immigrants to the country failed to integrate succesfully partly because they persisted in cheering on their old home nation rather than their adopted one. The government was thought to be planning to formalise this arrangement by making it obligatory for anyone applying for an ID card to swear an oath of allegiance to the England cricket team. The oath, thought to be a prolonged chant of "Fre-ddie, Fre-ddie, Fre-ddie" alternating with the cry "barmy army", would be taken whilst holding a copy of Wisden and sipping liberally from a plastic beaker of piss-weak Australian lager. Fears that forcing alcohol upon other religious groups and the prohibitive cost of the 60 million copies of the cricket almanac scuppered this plan. Instead, Ministers have drawn up a short multiple choice quiz and we are delighted to have been able to post a leaked example below:

Culture.

This is a still from the Ealing comedy Kind Hearts & Coronets. The actor Alec Guiness is seen here playing the character of




a) Agatha Christie

b) Agatha D'Ascoyne

c) Paul Gascoigne


Sport.

The manager of the England football team between 1977 and 1982 was



a) Ronnie Hazlehurst



b) Ron Greenwood



c) Joan Greenwood.


Books.

Salman Rushdie has just published a new novel in which he is critical of Islam. Do you

a) Ignore the furore surrounding the publication and go back to your Jackie Collins.

b) Write a strongly worded letter to the Daily Telegraph calling for Mr. Rushdie to explain himself and apologise for having given offence.

c) Threaten to behead Mr. Rushdie whilst burning every available copy of his book, before claiming a million dollar reward offered by the head of a fundamentalist Islamic regime for bringing the author to 'justice'.


Mindful as it is that the new Legislation might be perceived to be Islamophobic and wary of isolating more moderate members of the Muslim community, the government has also urged the BBC to make more efforts to ensure that its programming reflects the nation's cultural diversity. Beeb bigwigs are already pencilling in a series of new shows including an update of a popular 70s sitcom - My Wives Next Door - and a revamp of the ITV talent show The X-Factor. The new format, The X-Ecution will feature Sharon 'Sharia' Osbourne and Simon Cowell as panelists. A viewers' vote will decide which scantily clad adultress will go on to the next round and which one will be stoned to death for her brazen sluttishness.


Love on y'all,


Bob



© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Brian Damage - A Tribute....

Yo Swipesters!!

Regular readers will be aware of how we here at Swipe Towers are almost abject in our devoted hero worship at the expensively shod feet of that Master of the weblog, Brian Damage (Mrs.) Indeed, so extreme is our frenzied admiration for the soft spoken (and even softer skinned) Derryman that (and this is a real trade secret we're lettin' y'all in on here) we sometimes take a peek at what the "highly innovative and iconoclastic blogmeister" (What Blogger?) has been up to in order that we don't fall any further behind him than we already are. So, as it's probably his birthday sometime this year, (and, we'll be frank here, we were really stumped for something half decent to post this morning) we thought it was about time we here on The Robert Swipe Show paid full and earnest tribute to the man they're calling "The Alan Titchmarsh of the World-wide web" (What Hoe?) So, without further ado (or if you're an Arsenal fan, without further Edu to bring guile, steel and leftsided balance to the midfield), here is our loving homage to a wunnerfully funny guy who is not only a real gent, but also has the shapeliest legs in show business!!


10 Beatle songs about the current Bird flu epidemic.

(Editor's note: please notice that I have avoided all the obvious ones such as "And Your Bird Can Sing - well, it could if we hadn't had to have it put down)" or "Blackbird hanging by its feet from a hook on the ceiling of an abattoir with its throat slit in the dead of night" etc.


1. "I cull your name"
2. "Vet goes on"
3. "(Chicken)Run for your life"
4. "Across the uni-virus"
5. "Rabies in black" (come on, give me a break here - this stuff is harder than it looks you know)
6. "H5N1 after 909"
7. "(St)Rain"
8. "I want you (she's so aviary)"
9. "Within you, with outbreak"
10. Norwegian wood (this bird has flu)


I'm sure you'll agree that this is a worthy tribute to the great man himself (so it is) However, in time honoured Brian tradition, we invite you to send in your own entries if you think there are any we've missed out....




Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

The Robert Swipe Show - A Statement From The Health & Safety Executive.

Swipesters.

This morning, I crawl out from under my desk to find this nailed to the office door:


Dear Mr. Swapo,

Your weblog 'The Robert Swipe Show' has been brought to our attention by several correspondents who have urged us to try to curb some of the harmful effects they attribute to your postings. As you will no doubt be aware, under recent anti-terrorist legislation, we have been empowered by government to investigate any site identified as posing a threat, no matter how seemingly slight, to the general well-being and health of the world wide web and it's commonwealth. These threats can range from the trivial - displaying a photographic representation of Vanessa Feltz's upper arms without sufficient warning, for instance - to the more noxious offences recently brought within our remit by the sections of the Act relating to incitement or even, in extreme cases, Gloria-fication (see exhibit A)


Exhibit A.

Covert surveillance and electronic intercepts of 'chatter' emanating from and around your site have built up a picture of quite sytematic disregard for the welfare of others and a gratuitous revelment in such suffering that borders on the perverse. Here are two examples picked up by our screening recently. We have not printed the names of the victims in order to spare them further anxiety:

Exhibit B:

You bastard...!


I nearly choked myself to death laughing as I sipped a cup of tea and happened to read this:


"Kirstie Allsop (reeking of stale Nesqwik and cod liver oil for extra authenticity, I might add)"


Exhibit C:

And one more thing, Mr Swipe, would you stop being so funny while I'm drinking coffee. I've just spilt some on my dress.


As you can see, these two examples alone - and they are, as you will be aware, merely the tip of a particularly unpleasant iceberg - would give us cause to consider taking the most extreme measures within our power to maintain the public's safety. Our resolution to act - and with some alacrity - has been strengthened by the discovery, in a pending post of quite insuperable unsuitability in the current climate, of THIS:



Exhibit D.

An accident waiting to happen, I'm sure you'll agree.

So, by the powers vested in us by H.M. Government, until we can be assured beyond all reasonable doubt that all necessary remedial action has been taken to ensure the safety and well-being of those viewing it, we have no alternative but to close this site down with immediate effect.

Yours sincerely,



Derek Foulds K.B.E.



...........but you can't leave it there, Mr Derek!!!!!




Love on y'all,



Bob






© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Last Chance to Glorify Terrorism as Government Votes on Harsh New Terror Laws!!

Wey-heh Swipesters!

A busy morning here at Swipe Towers as we prepare for what could be a watershed in the life of our blog. As many readers will be aware, today the British government is set to vote on legislation that could outlaw the glorification of terrorism. Whilst we here at Swipe Towers are, by and large, a fairly peaceful lot with no ties to any para-military organisations (although, I'll confess that I have often considered forming one on those all-too-frequent days when a certain well known journalist and erotic review editrice insists upon lashing me to the office executive toy with my jammy bottoms and administering me a brisk thrashing with an espadrille), we still value our editorial freedom. Sure, we may offend certain sections of the community when we label the spiritual head of their belief system a goat-rogering wuss who knows about as much about the inner workings of the Universe as a lobotomised Paul Daniels-o-gram - but dang it, it's ONLY SATIRE, for h**ven's sake! And, as the late great Tony Slattery once said, 'you can't make satire without breaking a few eggs' (Or, in this case, destroying community relations with a highly volatile religious grouping who are liable to start blowing themselves up on trams and beheading people etc. etc. - but you get the idea...)

So, before they bring the curtain down on this particular pleasure (jees, whatever next - those guys'll do something ridiculous like trying to ban smoking or something at this rate, just you watch!) here is a celebration of some of our favourite terrorists of all time - gee, we're gonna miss you guys!!

1. Muhammad Siddique Khan.



Muhammad (no relation) burst into the limelight on July 7th 2005 when, along with three accomplices, he blew himself up in the cause of establishing an Islamic superstate that would cover most of Arabia, Europe, North Africa and the Far East. Tall, tanned, young and lovely, Muhammad is probably best known for his famous video appearance shortly before blasting himself to paradise (and the infidel scum around him to hell, we hope!) in which he called upon his Muslim brethren to rise up against the evil western imperialists in global jihad. We here at Swipe Towers may be sinful, rationalist heathen pornographers who should have our private parts removed and be chopped into a million tiny pieces, but we know a terrorist worthy of glorification when we see one, dang it! Muhammad Siddique Khan, we salute you and all your glorious kind. So long - and thanks for all the memories!!

2. Nelson Mandela.



Today Nelson may look like an artritic old codger, a doddery old scrote we can poke fun at as he litters up the world stage, bumbling about on unsteady feet, smelling of wee and muttering about the fuzzy-wuzzies. Now he may look about as harmful to the military-industrial complex as an upper cut from one of Charles Hawtrey's oven mits, but in his youth Nelson was a firebrand who could strike terror into the heart of a white supremacist bigot at a thousand paces. Arrested and detained on Robin Ellis for most of his adult life, Mandela is a symbol to all terrorists present and future that the easiest way to the heart of a nation is to renounce violence, do your stir and have a record made about you by the Specials. An inspiration to all those who have chosen the ballot box over the self-immolation-outside-the-embassy-of-your-oppressors route to freedom, without Nelson Mandela, would we be embracing the cuddly, people-friendly Gerry Adams we know and love today? Or would Irish politics still be in the grip of that other cute-but-still-a-bastard dwarf, Leo Sayer? (Christ almighty, I HATE Sayer!) We have Nelson Mandela and his glorious reign of terror to thank for these and many other imponderables. Big him up massively!

3. George Washington.



Hate the English? Don't we all!! We've all had enough of them with their O2 replica shirts, their lager and their ginger sideburns; taking over our pubs, flooding the floor with drink and vomit as they watch their side boringly waddle to victory over all the small nations before going out in the quarter finals against the first decent team they face. Then start the long recriminations, the binge drinking, flag-burning and mindless destruction of the peaceful town square outside the bar they watched the game in. We'd all like to get one over that lot, wouldn't we? Well, this guy did. And what's more, he did it bigger and better than any of us could ever dream of - and he created the greatest super power the world has ever known into the bargain. Incensed at giving all his dosh to British bastards in taxes - like, what's new?? - George and several like-minded friends threw a lot of tea into the water (heavens, didn't they even boil it first!?!?) and fired off a few muskets until, by 1776 their insurgency had freed them of their imperial yolk and they had gained independence from the despised Brits. Lessons there for all would be insurgents - if you stick at it long enough and just happen to catch the empire whose yolk you're trying to throw off not long before the start of their decline - you too could achieve world hegemony and throw your own weight around like an arrogant brat with no concern for international law or alternative viewpoints. So jihadists of the world, though the battle may be long, don't despair - it could happen for you too. As that other George Dubya would no doubt have said - 'the harder they come, the harder they fall...." George, we salute you big guy!!

So, there you have it. What a great bunch of lads! Tomorrow we will be celebrating the end of our right to cause offence to anyone at all by showing a special commemorative images of the Buddha being fellated by Stan Bowles.....sorry, hoops fans - but that's freedom of speech!



Love on y'all,



Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

My Secret Admirers

Yowser Yowser Yowser!!!

Well Swipesters, it's that time of year again! Regular readers will know how much I dread February 14th coming around. In fact, I almost get as apprehensive this time of year as my long-suffering postman does. Well, this year has been no exception and the poor guy looked as if he was about to expire as he literally fell into my office and offloaded the huge pile of cards, gifts, and (readers of a delicate disposition, please look away now) worn undergarments all over the floor. As expected, this year's is a pretty bumper haul. In fact, I haven't received as much mail as this since the Child Support Agency finally caught up with me - (...well, I guess they were bound to take a look around the women's enclosure at the Finsbury Park Mosque soon or later) So I thought this year, rather than sending the stuff straight down to Oxfam as I usually do, I'd at least open it and see if we couldn't find someway of incorporating the gifts and letters into this post. We had a brainstorming session here at S.T. and hit on the idea of a little competition to match each gift I receive with the secret admirer who sent it. A vat of 'buie/baby oil rub for the first correct entry. (Of the competition, that is - what you get up to on your own time is not my concern...)

Gift 1:



1 copy of The Erotic Review Victoriana edition, 1 x 3 pack of "Sambo" Races of the World novelty condoms (slight tear in the "Cape Coloured" model - possibly deliberate?)

Gift 2:



1 owl pellet and a copy of the BBC Employees' Handbook, pages ripped out from the "Disciplinary procedures" section.

Gift 3:



1 rubber nurse's outfit complete with comedy anal insertion thermometer and edible "Time on my Titties" watch.




Now, which of these celebrities sent me which gift???







Secret admirer A:


Floella

Secret admirer B:


Marianne

Secret Admirer C:


Lawrence

Now, all you need to do is mail in the name of the person you think has sent me each gift.

Answers in tomorrow's post.


Love on y'all,

Bob




© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Sting Blasts Environmental Impact of Cheap Flights - Exclusive!!

Yo Swipesters!

Following in the wake of Bryan Ferry's recent outspoken attack on the failure of world leaders to grapple with the problem of global warming, former Police frontman Sting has criticised the increasing affordability of flights, claiming that the current level is environmentally unsustainable.


Sting: "gan doon rainforest, like"

The plain speaking geordie, who had flown into Britain from his home in Tuscany to announce the launch of his own home-grown organic olive oil and honey range, said, "Wor lass Trudie and me wuz sayin' just the other night, like, as wor wuz flyin' back from wor house in LA - we cannae keep gannin' on like this, man pet. It's all reet and canny for wor fat, wobbly geordie builders ter swan off ter Malage fer a long weekend of wor sand, sea, sangria and hooliganism, but wad aboot wor planet, though but? Be a canny laddie and haddaway with wor cheap flights, will yuz? Why, wor auld fella - he'd be spinnin' in wor grave. Da' wor a milkman, like - a canny job it is an' all, wi' wor milkfloat and wor peaked cap and wor white coat, like - and he'd always be sain stuff like, "wor milk bottle's a canny example of wor recycling young Gordon, though but (...I divna know why, but wor Da' always called us Gordon, like) When tha grows up fer bein' a wee bairn, tha shouldst leave over pluckin' wor guitar and gan doon wor rainforest an' tell wor man wi' a greet spoon in wor mooth all aboot it, though but. So that's what wor did, like."


Wor Trudie: "her's a canny lass, though but"

The enigmatic musician and actor continued, "Wor Trudie wuz jes sayin' the other day like, as we wuz boardin wor plane to wor 16th Century Tuscan villa, that wuz oughtta start sellin' wor own olive oil and hinny, man. Tha's nowt ter do with wor global warming, like, but wor lass reckons wor gan screw a canny few bob outta it, though but. I'm gan doon wor farmer's market reet noo wi' wor wheelbarrer fulla wor first batch. Reet canny scran it is too, man - an' wuv gan fer a reet canny mark up an' all! Wor'll not be wearing wor black and amber hooped sweater, mind. Wor looks enough like a bee as it is wi'oot gettin' stung up wor chuffer an' all, though but! Wor bees gan mad when wor teks wor hinny! Still, beats walkin' on wor moon, mind. Why-aye and howay wor toon!"





© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Arrows of De-Saira!

Yo Swipesters!!

Peace and blessings be upon you! As you will know, we here at Swipe Towers like to take an even-handed view on things. For every anti-New Labour piece decrying the crazed, neo-Nazi state of the Bleeeeuuuuuuurrrgh administration we put up, there is usually a correspondingly vitriolic denunciation of lunatic Tory dancehall Gangsta, MC Cameron coming along not far behind it. It's the way things work in this great country of ours - everything in moderation, checks and balances, treating those two imposters alike and so on and so forth. We like to think that no one party or grouping has a divine right to all of our hideously warped invective. Rather like an elephant taking a dump, a we like to spread it around a bit - so much so that our motto could be "a plague on all your houses - and up your dogs!!" So, as you'll probably already have guessed, when it comes to the current furore over freedom of expression/the right to offend/religious intolerance, we couldn't let our bigoted, hateful disdain for the extremists within the Islamic community go up without us offering a corresponding viewpoint from a prominent British Muslim.

So, we've offered the outspoken media personality Saira Khan a platform to speak her mind on the whole issue. As is our policy on The Show, we've given her complete editorial control, so - be warned - this post comes with a pretty large health warning! Whilst we would like it to be known that her views do not necessarily reflect those of The Robert Swipe Show, we also know only to well that when it comes to Saira, you just Khan argue with her!!



HI,

MY NAME IS SAIRA KHAN. YOU PROBABLY REMEMBER ME FROM THAT TELEVISION PROGRAMME THE APPRENTICE. (I WAS THE GOBBY ASIAN ONE!) ALTHOUGH I DON'T WEAR A VEIL AND I'M USUALLY TOO BUSY TO PRAY 5 TIMES A DAY, I AM VERY PROUD TO BE A MUSLIM. I LOVE MY RELIGION AND CULTURE AND FEEL GRATEFUL THAT I AM FREE TO PRACTICE MY FAITH IN THIS COUNTRY. (I'M NOT ACTUALLY SHOUTING, BY THE WAY - I JUST NATURALLY HAPPEN TO HAVE A VERY LOUD VOICE...)

BUT I AM ALSO BRITISH. I WAS BORN HERE, I GREW UP HERE AND I LOVE THIS COUNTRY WITH A PASSION: FISH AND CHIPS, PIGEON FANCYING, JIM DAVIDSON - I HATE THEM ALL AS MUCH AS ANY OTHER BRITISH PERSON. AND THAT'S WHY, WHEN I SAW THE RECENT PROTESTS IN LONDON, WITH THOSE AWFUL IMAGES OF PEOPLE - MUSLIM PEOPLE - CALLING FOR FURTHER TERRORIST ATTACKS AND BEHEADINGS AND SO ON, I WAS SHOCKED TO THE STOMACH AND ANGRY. VERY, VERY ANGRY!

I KNOW THAT SOME ASPECTS OF CONTEMPORARY BRITISH LIFE - OUR INVOLVEMENT IN IRAQ, GUANTANAMO BAY, THE IMPRISONMENT OF ABU HAMZA WHILST NICK GRIFFIN WALKS FREE, AND SO ON - COULD BE PERCEIVED AS BEING ANTI-MUSLIM, BUT THERE IS STILL NO EXCUSE FOR THE KIND OF SCENES WE SAW LAST WEEKEND. YOUNG MEN DRESSED AS SUICIDE BOMBERS HOLDING UP PLACARDS BEARING HATE-FILLED SLOGANS. THESE PEOPLE COULD HAVE BEEN GUNNED DOWN WHERE THEY STOOD IF THEY'D PROTESTED THE SAME WAY IN SOME OF THE OTHER MUSLIM-RUN NATIONS IN THE WORLD - IRAN, SAUDI ARABIA, OR FRANCE FOR INSTANCE. THESE PEOPLE OBVIOUSLY DON'T REALISE HOW LUCKY THEY ARE TO LIVE IN BRITAIN. I MEAN, WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE, YEAH? THEY COME OVER HERE, BUILD A MOSQUE ON EVERY CORNER - ON THE BLOODY RATES, MIND - DO AS THEY PLEASE WITH NO RESTRAINTS OR CENSURE. AND THEN, WHEN ANYTHING HAPPENS THAT THEY DON'T AGREE WITH, THEY'RE OUT ON THE STREETS, BURNING FLAGS AND SHOUTING THEIR HEADS OFF (..THEY ARE SO SHRRRRIIIILLLL, YEAH?) DEMANDING WE MUTILATE ADULTRESSES, BEHEAD ALL POOVES AND KILL THE JEWS - (THEY REALLY FCUKING HATE THE JEWS, INNIT?) AND ALL THE TIME, US HARD WORKING, PEACE-LOVING BRITS HAVE TO KEEP QUIET - COS YOU CAN'T CRITICISE THEM OR NOTHING, IT'S ILLEGAL NOW, INNIT? - OR WE GET BANGED UP FOR INCITING RELIGIOUS HATRED OR SOMETHING, RIGHT? YOU KNOW WHAT I RECKON WE SHOULD DO YEAH? ANYONE WHO DOESN'T WANT TO LIVE HERE IN A SECULAR, LIBERAL SOCIETY WHERE ALL ARE FREE TO PRACTICE (OR NOT, AS THE CASE MAY BE) THEIR RELIGION OR OTHERWISE OF CHOICE BUT WOULD RATHER LIVE UNDER SHARIA LAW, RIGHT? WELL ALL THEM PEOPLE, CAN, LIKE, FCUK OFF AND LIVE IN AFGHANISTAN OR SOMETHING, INNIT??

"...AND WAS JERUSALEM BUILDED HERE - ON ENGLAND'S PLEASANT PASTURES GREEN???"


(I HAD THAT RICHARD LITTLEJOHN IN THE BACK OF MY CAB THE OTHER DAY....)

SAIRA
XXX



Love on y'all,



Bob

© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Advertising on The Robert Swipe Show - The Editorial Board's Position.

Swipesters,

You will be aware that over the last few months this august publication has been, to say the least, sailing in troubled financial waters. We have been unable to maintain the payments on loans secured in order to boost our flagging sales and we are in the perilous position of having a team of staff who, though dedicated and loyal to a fault, have not been paid for several months. Not to put too fine a point on it, financially we've taken a big one up the Gary and a clip 'round the ear for good measure. As an editorial board, we therefore feel impelled to issue a statement to quell some of the more virulent rumours that have been circulating the blogosphere regarding the future of The Robert Swipe Show and to make clear our intentions as to its long term viability. The statement we have prepared reads as follows:

We, the editorial board, wish to state categorically that we have no plans whatever to offer advertising space on the hallowed pages of The Robert Swipe Show. We have already refused several offers from a variety of commercial sectors, all of which have been dismissed out of hand. We collectively share a desire and commitment to maintain a weblog that is free at the point of use and which is not tainted by any association whatever with vested interests in the business world. This, we are convinced, is the only way to maintain our previously and current high standards of journalism and commentary. We hope that our readers share our pride in this stance and will continue to make us the most widely read weblog in a small, rural outpost of Wales with no regular supply of electricity.

The Editorial Board of The Robert Swipe Show.

So, with that business out of the way, on with today's post....

A busy day here at Swipe Towers as we have decided to upgrade the Office Nanopod....

But what to replace it with??


Fortunately, those kind people over at Apple have a simply astounding range of pods and accesories to choose from... (they really are the best company in the world, aren't they??) So, should we go for the new 60BG



i-bod??

Or perhaps the highly sought after




i-cod???


(Stocks are very low, apparently, so better get one while you still can....)

And why not invest in the new i-Dodd




and keep that tattyfilarious gizmo of yours spick and span with a customised Apple tickling stick!

Then there' the i-god

(due to fear of being hounded by militant extremists, we are unable to publish an image of the i-god but, trust us - it rocks!)

Or, if you want to dispense with that effeminate, metrosexual look and go for something a little bit more tres butch, there's this



the 80GB i-hod. It can store up to 24 average sized bricks and comes in an easy-to- carry, on the shoulder configuration. Ideal for those quiet weekends spent building a massive wall to keep those troublesome Palestinian neighbours of yours at bay!!

Sixties music buffs should get a load of this,



the i-mod which comes complete with a dozen or so mirrors and fully inflatable lips for that to die for trout pout effect...

Or do you fancy asking observational questions of young children concerning clips from Children's Film Foundation movies that no one has ever seen?



Then the i-Rodd is most definitely the one for you!

Or gardeners may prefer the



I-sod...

Whilst prog rock devotees may feel more comfortable sashaying around with this,



the i-Todd...


But what ever you buy, you're definitely going to need one of these.....





an i-wad....



(...and then you give it to us, obviously....)

Decisions, decisions, eh??




Love on y'all,



Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

Ask Mariella - Eno/Cale Edition

Yo Swipesters!!

Well, after Monday's post we were literally inundated with comments - so much so that I couldn't get out from under the mailbag to post anything Tuesday! Indeed, there wouldn't have been a post today had Mariella Frostrup not very kindly agreed to come in on her day off to help answer your queries (...that is some all-over body rub!! Women are just putty in my hands at the thought of a tub full of that 'buie/Johnsons mix...)

So, over to you Mariella....



Thanks Roberta,


Spinsterella writes:

I get Eno and John Cale confused. I don't know why.

(I'm currently finding Cale extremely attractive. He's 33 years older than me. Is this wrong?)


Cale: Welsh, talentless, a bastard....I could go on...


Mariella says:

Well Spinny,

First off - Eno's the bald one who does lectures instead of press conferences and Cale is the Welsh one who can't sing. Or play the viola for that matter. A word to the wise, Spin - steer clear of the Welsh. I know I shouldn't say this in front of Roberta, but they're a big bunch of bastards to man. When they're not grizzling about how they always get beaten at the "Rwgbi", and the decline of the mining industry, they're prattling on about how we steal all their water and setting fire to our holiday cottages. I'd give him a wide berth if I were you my love. Eno's a different propostion altogether mind. Goes like the clappers, I'm told.


Spinny: go with Eno. He's not Welsh...



Tim writes:

Is it just me, or does Ms Raworth resemble former rudeness queen Marilyn Chambers?


Raworth: dainty English rose...


Chambers: disgusting sex tramp...

Mariella says:

Good spot Tim. I'm reliably informed that the resemblance becomes even more uncanny after several rum based cocktails and a line or two of finest Columbian. How BBC news presenters can afford to get themselves into such a state of sensory derangement on the pittance they're paid, I don't know - but her live snake juggling/yard of ale routine is apparently a sight to behold in the Beeb staff canteen.

Brian writes:

I danced within an elven ring of quicksilver delight, so I did....

Mariella says:

Brian, this is none of my business, but did you not perhaps get the English National Opera's latest production mixed up with the weekly RHPS shindig? The last time I remember anyone dancing with quicksilver delight at that particular company was during a production of Peter Grimes starring Bryn Terfel. Apparently, by the end, his ring was so elven he couldn't sit down for a week. But then, as I told Spinny, that's the Welsh for you - they're all bastards...

Tim writes:

Spinsterella - not only have Eno and Cale collaborated, they both walked out of really great bands, after which said bands became a bit rubbish, and overly dominated by their prima donna-ish singers.

Mariella says:

Spinny - I think you're in there. I'd get your butt on the first plane out to Bangkok and tie this fellow down to matrimony before he runs off with the first scantily clad lady boy who offers him an all over body rub and a bite of saveloy. Go for it Lady!

A. Radiographer writes:

oh come on Shirley, seven deadly fins, innit?

Mariella says:

A, I think you'll find Bob is right ...

Still, for name-dropping an obscure Eno single, you win this week's star letter prize - an all over body-rub with the liqueur of your choice!

I'll be over as soon as I can junk the rest of these letters. Please warm your hands up first though, won't you...


Mariella xxx



Love on y'all,


Bob


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises