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Tuesday, 14 February 2006

Last Chance to Glorify Terrorism as Government Votes on Harsh New Terror Laws!!

Wey-heh Swipesters!

A busy morning here at Swipe Towers as we prepare for what could be a watershed in the life of our blog. As many readers will be aware, today the British government is set to vote on legislation that could outlaw the glorification of terrorism. Whilst we here at Swipe Towers are, by and large, a fairly peaceful lot with no ties to any para-military organisations (although, I'll confess that I have often considered forming one on those all-too-frequent days when a certain well known journalist and erotic review editrice insists upon lashing me to the office executive toy with my jammy bottoms and administering me a brisk thrashing with an espadrille), we still value our editorial freedom. Sure, we may offend certain sections of the community when we label the spiritual head of their belief system a goat-rogering wuss who knows about as much about the inner workings of the Universe as a lobotomised Paul Daniels-o-gram - but dang it, it's ONLY SATIRE, for h**ven's sake! And, as the late great Tony Slattery once said, 'you can't make satire without breaking a few eggs' (Or, in this case, destroying community relations with a highly volatile religious grouping who are liable to start blowing themselves up on trams and beheading people etc. etc. - but you get the idea...)

So, before they bring the curtain down on this particular pleasure (jees, whatever next - those guys'll do something ridiculous like trying to ban smoking or something at this rate, just you watch!) here is a celebration of some of our favourite terrorists of all time - gee, we're gonna miss you guys!!

1. Muhammad Siddique Khan.

Muhammad (no relation) burst into the limelight on July 7th 2005 when, along with three accomplices, he blew himself up in the cause of establishing an Islamic superstate that would cover most of Arabia, Europe, North Africa and the Far East. Tall, tanned, young and lovely, Muhammad is probably best known for his famous video appearance shortly before blasting himself to paradise (and the infidel scum around him to hell, we hope!) in which he called upon his Muslim brethren to rise up against the evil western imperialists in global jihad. We here at Swipe Towers may be sinful, rationalist heathen pornographers who should have our private parts removed and be chopped into a million tiny pieces, but we know a terrorist worthy of glorification when we see one, dang it! Muhammad Siddique Khan, we salute you and all your glorious kind. So long - and thanks for all the memories!!

2. Nelson Mandela.

Today Nelson may look like an artritic old codger, a doddery old scrote we can poke fun at as he litters up the world stage, bumbling about on unsteady feet, smelling of wee and muttering about the fuzzy-wuzzies. Now he may look about as harmful to the military-industrial complex as an upper cut from one of Charles Hawtrey's oven mits, but in his youth Nelson was a firebrand who could strike terror into the heart of a white supremacist bigot at a thousand paces. Arrested and detained on Robin Ellis for most of his adult life, Mandela is a symbol to all terrorists present and future that the easiest way to the heart of a nation is to renounce violence, do your stir and have a record made about you by the Specials. An inspiration to all those who have chosen the ballot box over the self-immolation-outside-the-embassy-of-your-oppressors route to freedom, without Nelson Mandela, would we be embracing the cuddly, people-friendly Gerry Adams we know and love today? Or would Irish politics still be in the grip of that other cute-but-still-a-bastard dwarf, Leo Sayer? (Christ almighty, I HATE Sayer!) We have Nelson Mandela and his glorious reign of terror to thank for these and many other imponderables. Big him up massively!

3. George Washington.

Hate the English? Don't we all!! We've all had enough of them with their O2 replica shirts, their lager and their ginger sideburns; taking over our pubs, flooding the floor with drink and vomit as they watch their side boringly waddle to victory over all the small nations before going out in the quarter finals against the first decent team they face. Then start the long recriminations, the binge drinking, flag-burning and mindless destruction of the peaceful town square outside the bar they watched the game in. We'd all like to get one over that lot, wouldn't we? Well, this guy did. And what's more, he did it bigger and better than any of us could ever dream of - and he created the greatest super power the world has ever known into the bargain. Incensed at giving all his dosh to British bastards in taxes - like, what's new?? - George and several like-minded friends threw a lot of tea into the water (heavens, didn't they even boil it first!?!?) and fired off a few muskets until, by 1776 their insurgency had freed them of their imperial yolk and they had gained independence from the despised Brits. Lessons there for all would be insurgents - if you stick at it long enough and just happen to catch the empire whose yolk you're trying to throw off not long before the start of their decline - you too could achieve world hegemony and throw your own weight around like an arrogant brat with no concern for international law or alternative viewpoints. So jihadists of the world, though the battle may be long, don't despair - it could happen for you too. As that other George Dubya would no doubt have said - 'the harder they come, the harder they fall...." George, we salute you big guy!!

So, there you have it. What a great bunch of lads! Tomorrow we will be celebrating the end of our right to cause offence to anyone at all by showing a special commemorative images of the Buddha being fellated by Stan Bowles.....sorry, hoops fans - but that's freedom of speech!

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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