Regular readers will have been eagerly awaiting my annual how-to guide on investments and savings as we near the end of the financial year. Obviously, if you've got the odd 6 figure sum that's mysteriously landed into one of your offshore bank accounts, now is pretty much the time to get that lovely wedge of Mafioso moolah working for you before those bastards in the treasury (sorry Gordon!) start trying to get their grubby little hands on it. Well, wait no longer! Over the next few weeks, we'll be telling you the best way to maximise the yield on any £300,000 lump sum donated by the incumbent Italian Prime Minister for services rendered you might happen to have lying around the house you've just mysteriously re-mortgaged....
Our beginners pack includes:
+++ 1 six figure bribe for keeping schtum about all the other staggeringly huge bribes your mystery Italian benefactor had been making to other prominent Italian politicians!!
+++ Free mortgage advice enabling you to raise a £300,000 loan on your current property. Then use our easily applied for insider dealing ready-reckoner to calculate the best place to plant the loan in a high yield offshore bank account for a month!!
+++ Our easy to follow "pay off the mortgage you've just taken out with the money received in bribes from your mysterious Italian benefactor money laundering scheme". One simple transaction wipes out the paper trail of all your previous irregular financial dealings, provided you haven't been stupid enough to write a note to your accountant saying "this particularly large sum of money was received by me from the current Italian premier for telling lies in an Italian court to cover up his part in the biggest Italian bribery scandal in the glorious history of payola"
+++ One prominent New Labour MP wife who will bring all the experience of her 9 years of "whiter-than-white" integrity, probity and trustworthiness as part of the administration that promised to eradicate the sleaze of the tory years and stand by you as you fight your appeal case once the Customs & Excise have thrown the book at you!! (Provided she doesn't get the boot first, of course....
Don't take our word for it! These are just some of the names of those who have benefitted from Bob Swipe's Guide to Managing Your Finances in the past:
Mandy from Islington writes:
Bob helped me secure the loan for my sumptuous London residence. "Just use your position to allow a couple of fabulously wealthy Indian businessmen to enter the country and you'll be laughing all the way to the EU Commission", he said. I never knew that living wildly beyond your means could be so much fun! When it comes to the abuse of power, Bob's a girl's best friend - and I should know, ducky!
Bernie from Monaco says:
Bob told me to bung the lads at New Labour a bit of wedge and they'd tailor-make any piece of legislation I wanted to my own own personal needs. So I did!
David from Islington says:
Bob told me to buy buy buy Biometric technology shares then draft up a ludicrous ID card bill to maximise my revenue. It would have worked too if it hadn't been for those pesky right wing journalists I was shagging the arse off....
Bob Swipe's Guide To Managing Your Finances is available from all good retailers (well, The Stationary Office) Now!!
Love on y'all,
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises