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Monday, 20 February 2006

Blair Announces New Screen Test For All ID Card Applicants - Exclusive!!


The government's proposed new ID card scheme came a step closer to becoming a reality today after behind the scenes horsetrading looked to have delivered a likely government majority for the Bill when it comes before the House of Lords. The Upper House was expected to raise a number of civil liberties objections to the idea of ID cards but delighted government sources believe that they have amended the Bill sufficiently to ease its passage through the second chamber.

"We need this new statute on the books so we can deter those who would try to replace our freedom with an authoritarian theocracy", said a New Labor insider. "I realise that there are a lot of objections, in both Houses and throughout the nation at large, to the idea of the government being able to store and to access large amounts of information concerning the citizens of this country. The main fear is that one day we may have a less enlightened government and one which, unlike the current one, might be prone to introducing increasingly repressive measures for fear of alienating the right-wing press, or lying to the house in order to take us to into a war we have already committed to in private, or encouraging a climate of fear in which civilians can be gunned down in cold blood whilst attepting to board a tube train on their way to work. Of course we must guard against such a state of affairs ever occuring here, but to suggest that we are moving towards some Orwellian dystopia in which one's every action is controlled by the state is absolute nonsense. Obviously, you won't be able to go anywhere or apply for any benefits without having the cards, but anyone who thinks that this will lead to them living in some ghastly authoritarian nightmare land where you can't smoke or poke fun at people's religion is living in cloud cuckooland. Or Belmarsh, more likely."

The Lords u-turn is believed to have been brought about by a last minute amendment to the legislation and incorporates a variation on Lord Tebbit's famous 'Cricket test'. The bigoted Tory grandee once complained that non-white immigrants to the country failed to integrate succesfully partly because they persisted in cheering on their old home nation rather than their adopted one. The government was thought to be planning to formalise this arrangement by making it obligatory for anyone applying for an ID card to swear an oath of allegiance to the England cricket team. The oath, thought to be a prolonged chant of "Fre-ddie, Fre-ddie, Fre-ddie" alternating with the cry "barmy army", would be taken whilst holding a copy of Wisden and sipping liberally from a plastic beaker of piss-weak Australian lager. Fears that forcing alcohol upon other religious groups and the prohibitive cost of the 60 million copies of the cricket almanac scuppered this plan. Instead, Ministers have drawn up a short multiple choice quiz and we are delighted to have been able to post a leaked example below:


This is a still from the Ealing comedy Kind Hearts & Coronets. The actor Alec Guiness is seen here playing the character of

a) Agatha Christie

b) Agatha D'Ascoyne

c) Paul Gascoigne


The manager of the England football team between 1977 and 1982 was

a) Ronnie Hazlehurst

b) Ron Greenwood

c) Joan Greenwood.


Salman Rushdie has just published a new novel in which he is critical of Islam. Do you

a) Ignore the furore surrounding the publication and go back to your Jackie Collins.

b) Write a strongly worded letter to the Daily Telegraph calling for Mr. Rushdie to explain himself and apologise for having given offence.

c) Threaten to behead Mr. Rushdie whilst burning every available copy of his book, before claiming a million dollar reward offered by the head of a fundamentalist Islamic regime for bringing the author to 'justice'.

Mindful as it is that the new Legislation might be perceived to be Islamophobic and wary of isolating more moderate members of the Muslim community, the government has also urged the BBC to make more efforts to ensure that its programming reflects the nation's cultural diversity. Beeb bigwigs are already pencilling in a series of new shows including an update of a popular 70s sitcom - My Wives Next Door - and a revamp of the ITV talent show The X-Factor. The new format, The X-Ecution will feature Sharon 'Sharia' Osbourne and Simon Cowell as panelists. A viewers' vote will decide which scantily clad adultress will go on to the next round and which one will be stoned to death for her brazen sluttishness.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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