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Friday, 3 February 2006

First Allsop - Now Husain & Garraway Join the Dunlopillo/Child Support Scam!


You know me. I like a laugh along with the best of them. Show me some footage of Tony Bleeeeuuuuurgh's intestines being slowly removed with a pair of rusty old pliers and no anaesthetic and I'm rolling around in the aisles, clutching my aching sides with the best of them. But this is getting beyond a joke. First I get a pouting, flushed Kirstie Allsop (reeking of stale Nesqwik and cod liver oil for extra authenticity, I might add) turning up at my door with what appears to be a badly cut piece of nobbly foam sticking out from under her tank top and demanding 50 notes a week and a hand with the milk bill. Bad enough, you'll agree. But not a day later, I get a call from Kate Garraway.

Garraway: "Up the duffer, without a paddle...."

"Swipe", she says (like, what happened to 'Bob', right?) "Look, I'm up the duff, large as a beachball with knees to match and it's due in three months. Draper's had the tests and he's a seedless husk of a man - judging by the dates, it's probably yours. How are we gonna get this kid through Eton??" So far, so skew-whiff, right? So, I'm just surfing the web for an on-line paternity test/illegitimate offspring's guide to minor English Public Schools guide 2006 when there's another knock at the door. I open it and there stood in front of me in a veil, and all over body throw is a mysterious bulging figure wielding a Kalashnikov and two packets of salt and shake crisps. "We need to talkm" says a clearly identifiable Mishal Husain - and don't ask me why she keeps adding an 'm' at the end of her words. "We needm to talkm. I missedm mym periodm AGAINM! I shouldm neverm havem listenedm to youm aboutm rhythmm methodm", she sobs and I feel her fiendish assimilated muslim hand gliding towards my fly. "Babym notm comem cheapm..." and with that she knocks me to the floor and tries to mount me in a far from lady-like fashion in the hallway. She would've knocked half my brains out if a large piece of foam rubber hadn't been there to break my fall....

A heavily pregnant Michal Husain: "...out with the chips and in with the carrots.."

So now I'm shelling out £3,500 a week just to send two badly shaped mattress offcuts through school and I don't even get to see them at weekends!! Now howdayalike that??

Love on ya,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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