Like many of you, I was rent with grief and anguish in the wake of Cheslea's ignominious defeat at the hands of those dirty cheating dago grease balls from Catalonia during the week. No way, Jose! You certainly was robbed by the theatrical diving of a certain diminutive Argentinian who shall remain nameless (...although, count your blessings Jose - at least the young rascal spent most of the game hitting the ball with his feet and not his mitts this time!!) Still, as the faithful along the King's Road will know, it ain't over 'til the female Brian Blessed impersonator sings, and as I write, she ain't even started to squeeze into her incontinence corset yet!
Anyways, I felt that those sporting and humble blues fans needed a little pick-me-up after the humiliations of Wednesday night and so, in association with Peter Kenyon Enterprises, we have put together a little behind the scenes insight into just what it is that keeps a smile on the faces of those poorly-paid artisans who have struggled against adversity to make Cheslea the pre-eminent force in British football. That's right, like Annie Lennox and Aretha before me said, behind every big man, there has to be a big woman - and that goes for you too, Shaun Wright-Philips! So, we are proud to introduce you to the ladies behind some of the biggest players in world football. Believe me when I tell you there are some real belters here to whom I wouldn't mind slipping a sliding tackle or two into myself! And to think most of us thought those boys in blue were all mincing, namby-pamby little arse bandits with wrists as limp as a soggy Old Trafford prawn sandwich....
Edie Sedgwick (AKA Mrs. Frank Lampard):
Edie started her career as left back for little known New York Division Two strugglers Queens Park Rangers. She is best known for her previous fling with Duluth legend Bob Dylan who is believed to have dedicated his song "Visions of Johan Cruyff" to her. "Ain't it just like the night to play tricks while you're trying to remove the third Adidas stripe from the sleeve of your shirt..." he sang, lovingly. Edie met Frank at a pro-celebrity badger baiting tournament in Berkshire and the two have been inseperable since. "She's a great little mover, with a terrific left peg and if it wasn't for the fact that she's the missus, I'd swear she was a cheap lowdown hooker with a substance abuse problem the size of the national debt!", beamed the England midfielder from his bedside vigil at the Priory.
Nico: (currently dating William Gallas)
Nico, or "The Kaiser" as she is known in her native Bavaria, is one of the most imperious players the game has ever known. Credited with inventing the modern libero role, Nico made her debut in the 1966 German national side that went on to lose to England in the final, before skippering her team to victory on home soil in 1974. Famous for her unusually high squad number - "she's number 37, take a look" - and elegant passing game, Nico still has close ties with former club side, Bayern Munich where she is a regular visitor to the home dressing room, and often helps to revitalise flagging players during the halftime interval with her own inimitable suction technique.
Ivy Nicholson: (currently stepping out with Arjen Robben, Eider Gudjohnson, Petr Cech and Steve Clarke)
Daughter of Tottenham legend Bill, Ivy brought disgrace and penury upon herself when she announced to her shocked parents that she was leaving home to become an Arsenal fan. Cut out of her father's will when the Gunners emulated their North London rivals by doing the double in the 1970/71 season, she nonetheless endured the largely bleak and trophyless 80s to be rewarded with a famous last minute of the season Chamionship win at Anfield in 1989. The recent success of her team under Arsene Wenger - they have won three league titles, four FA Cups and played some of the most exhilarating football anywhere on the planet during the Frenchman's reign - has done little to build bridges between the estranged family members. "I hope she dies in a Munich-style plane crash, the Arsenal scumbag", said her father via a full page advert in the Angling Times - a sure sign that at long last their frosty relationship is beginning to thaw a little.
Candy Darling: (current beau of handsome centre back John Terry)
What do you give the man who has everything? Well, if it's a female impersonator you're looking for, there are few finer than Mr. Danny La Rue. Sadly though, the experienced old Dame has lost a couple of yards of pace over the last few years and is easily turned by pacy wingers with a trick or two up their sleeves or a threat to phone the police if the sad old queen doesn't leave their cubicle immediately. Fortunately, the rise and further rise of young understudy Candy Darling has meant a seamless transition from reserve level to the first team for the plucky left back. Darling has filled La Rue's size 13 high heeled boots so well this season that there are many who would now give the younger man the nod over her more experienced team-mate. Sexy blocker Terry knows he lucked out when he hooked up with the agile wingback in the back of a seedy alley after a prolonged drugs, drink and aggro binge in London's West End. "I like to keep things tight at the back", said the England stopper, "and Candy's back passage is about as tight as you can get within the laws of the game. He'll roast you for pace as well, if you're not careful - which is handy, because that's about all we do when we're not training, playing video games or getting blasted off our bonces on high quality South American stimulants at 4 o'clock in the morning...."
Best of British to all our sides in the return legs - we'll be rooting for you!
Love on y'all,
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises