This morning, I crawl out from under my desk to find this nailed to the office door:
Dear Mr. Swapo,
Your weblog 'The Robert Swipe Show' has been brought to our attention by several correspondents who have urged us to try to curb some of the harmful effects they attribute to your postings. As you will no doubt be aware, under recent anti-terrorist legislation, we have been empowered by government to investigate any site identified as posing a threat, no matter how seemingly slight, to the general well-being and health of the world wide web and it's commonwealth. These threats can range from the trivial - displaying a photographic representation of Vanessa Feltz's upper arms without sufficient warning, for instance - to the more noxious offences recently brought within our remit by the sections of the Act relating to incitement or even, in extreme cases, Gloria-fication (see exhibit A)
Covert surveillance and electronic intercepts of 'chatter' emanating from and around your site have built up a picture of quite sytematic disregard for the welfare of others and a gratuitous revelment in such suffering that borders on the perverse. Here are two examples picked up by our screening recently. We have not printed the names of the victims in order to spare them further anxiety:
I nearly choked myself to death laughing as I sipped a cup of tea and happened to read this:
"Kirstie Allsop (reeking of stale Nesqwik and cod liver oil for extra authenticity, I might add)"
And one more thing, Mr Swipe, would you stop being so funny while I'm drinking coffee. I've just spilt some on my dress.
As you can see, these two examples alone - and they are, as you will be aware, merely the tip of a particularly unpleasant iceberg - would give us cause to consider taking the most extreme measures within our power to maintain the public's safety. Our resolution to act - and with some alacrity - has been strengthened by the discovery, in a pending post of quite insuperable unsuitability in the current climate, of THIS:
An accident waiting to happen, I'm sure you'll agree.
So, by the powers vested in us by H.M. Government, until we can be assured beyond all reasonable doubt that all necessary remedial action has been taken to ensure the safety and well-being of those viewing it, we have no alternative but to close this site down with immediate effect.
Derek Foulds K.B.E.
...........but you can't leave it there, Mr Derek!!!!!
Love on y'all,
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises