Climate of Munter...

More of Bob's adventures in munterspace*...(You really *have to* click the Lost Highway link first for this one...)

Part 4,368:
Lost Highway Records

Hi,



I've just clicked on your myspace page expecting to be warmly welcomed into the mellow downhome ambience of one of Nashville's leading record labels, and instead I'm greeted with the following:



"Get Lost"



It's not good enough really, is it??



L.U.V. on ya,



Bob

*For the criminally unhip, this refers to what's commonly known as myspace.com...

p.s. we seem to be stuck on 90,428....*get* *clicking*, you bastards!

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Bob's Back!!!!!

Well, after Spinny's heartfelt plea to have "old mad Bob back", how could I refuse??? Besides, under Roberta's *disastrous* stewardship, our ratings had plummeted to an alltime low, so I'm glad to have rid of the old battleaxe (although it will obviously be a bit of a blow to lose the burgeoning lesbians smeared in Shea butter sector that was just beginning to look like a goer...)

So, no more characters, no more hiding behind personae, just pure, undiluted Bobness, rotten cock, warts and all...

Now, get over and ****listen to the music you bastards**** or I'll have your link surgically removed!!!!

Love on y'all,

Bob

p.s. and before you ask, no I don't have a clue what a spinal erector is either, but I'm sure as hell getting myself down to Asda to order a brace of the fuckers....and who knows, maybe a delt or too as well....


*****************UPDATE******************

Almost forgot - all ideas (I. Dears) welcomed please as to what the A. stands for? And before any clever clogs says it, I bagsy 'Arsehole'.



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Hungry Like The Wolf...

Yes, got it in one. This is the first in an occasional series on the dietary habits of Britain's best-loved brain box, Prof. Heinz Wolf*.

The wolf was spotted prowling around the freshly made soups area of the refectory(today's choice, minestrone or cream of mushroom), but wisely elected to pass on both, preferring instead to sample the anorexic cod in batter with boiled new potatoes, peas and carrots. A decidedly sheepish looking Wolf was last seen bumbling around looking for a place to sit mumbling something in heavily accented English about the behaviour of anisotropic polymer particles...

Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum-ti-tumti - ...something about 57 varieties....etc. etc. Please come back all of Bob's old readers - I promise to be funnier in future...

xxxx

'Berta





*it, erm, says here...

And go and listen to the song, FFS!!


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My Hero Let Me Down....

Duane Eddie kicks Bob Fripp off the axeman's stool on "Heroes", while Joe Meek and Eno fight over the mixing console. Bowie remains sanguine throughout, smirking away as Morrissey takes care of the vocal duties...

Listen to it ****here****....

xxxx

'Berta


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Book of the Week...

Has to be "Don't squat with yer spurs on!: a cowboy's guide to life" by Texas Bix Bender.


We here at Swipe Towers are also wading through the works of one of our favourite authors, Ian Dear.

I. Dear.

Geddit??

Please yourselves....

xxxx

'Berta


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That Roberta Swipe Wadcast Playlist in Full!!...

By popular demand!! (Well, JDA...) and in no particular order

Soul Limbo - Booker T & the MGs
The Girl With the Sun in her Hair (AKA The Harmony Hairspray ad) - John Barry
Greenjeans - The Fabulous Fleerekkers
Bloodsport - Killing Joke
The Big Ship - Brian Eno
Gnossienne no. (4 - I think it was 4) - Erik Satie
Venus de Milo - Prince
Telstar - the Tornadoes
Speed of Life - David Bowie
Beef Jerky - John Lennon
Lara's Theme - (will have to dig out the artist - I didn't think this through very well, did I...?)


erm....can't remember what else I put on. Let me know if there are any others you couldn't pick out Jifster. And thanks for your interest.

The rest of you - thanks for your apathy and indifference...

Also back by popular demand (well, Howesey said he quite liked it.....) is "Wallis", the song about everybody's favourite Aardman dog animation called Wallis [sic]. Just click on the ubiquitous myspace links to hear it....

xxxx

'Berta





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Messages of Love...

#1,376: Lily Allen.

Thanks for being a pal Lily!

It's very gracious of you to take the time out to be friends with "the little people".

Mind you, If you don't mind me saying this, I think you've probably learned your good manners from your father. One of the nicest men I've ever had the pleasure of working with. A true pro and - contrary to what you may have heard from some quarters - a man who could not only hold his liquor but also knew how to treat a man pretending to be a lady.

Who can forget those wonderful shaggy dog stories he used to tell? - going on for hours and hours before signing off with that marvellous catch phrase - "and may your God go with you..."

How's his finger?

xxxx

'Berta


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Whatever Happened to Girl With a One Track Mind???...

Just kidding - I couldn't give a shit, actually. It's just that when I saw Bob at the weekend, in the brief interlude between hands of porno legends top trumps with Keith A., Stephen F., and our future monarch, he told me that if I wanted to get a *real* big audience to plug my *NEW SONG* to, I should just give GWAOTM a namecheck and I'd be *inundated* with speccy tossers off google all arching their backs to see what in the blazes the monstrously libidoed old tart had got up to now (*his* words, not mine...)

I'm not convinced, but how can a novice like me argue with a *genuine* *legend* of blog??

In any case, it just goes to show - there's only one thing worse than being talked about....


xxxx

'Berta


Oh, and you can hear the new song HERE....

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Wadcast #3...

....is here for your delight and delectation.

There just aren't the words to tell you how *fan*-*fucking*-*tabulous* it is....

xxxx

'Berta



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Spot the Difference...

Just received this






from a friend who did the Hard Rock Cafe backstage tour in (I think) Florida. It's one of my all time favourite Beatle pics. For those not in the know, it's based on one of his erstwhile mate's album covers:






The Lennon is a photo of the original print.

I much preferred the pre-canonised Lennon...


xxxx

'Berta


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Come On You Lot!!!...

Total 86,264
Average Per Day 340
Average Visit Length 0:55
Last Hour 14
Today 109
This Week 2,380

PAGE VIEWS

Total 144,390
Average Per Day 561
Average Per Visit 1.7
Last Hour 23
Today 162
This Week 3,928

...only another 14,736 visits and we can wrap this thing up *once and for all*!!

Get clicking, you bastards!!

xxxx

'Berta


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"I Married Sex God Lembit For His Body & Sexy Good Looks, Not His Brain", Says Opik Sex Romp Cheeky Girl, Gabriela...

xxxx

'Berta

(....I know, I know - it's LemBIT, not LemPIT....It's not easy being a Munterspace legend *and* keeping this tired charade going until we crawl over the 100,000 visitors mark, you know....)


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Wadcast #2...

......listen to or download it here...

Oh, and a new song (Wallis) ...here...


xxxx

'Berta




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Myspace Message to the Lovely Richard Hawley...

Hi Richard,



Thank you *so* much for being a friend. I always *knew* you were the *real* brains behind Pulp. Well, you and Candida Doyle, anyroad.



Which reminds me, can you have a word with Cocker? He's still holding out on me. I wouldn't care normally, only Hank Marvin doesn't have a Myspace and I need someone with nerdy specs to keep Bruce Welch company...



xxxx



'Berta



p.s. That's Jarvis, not Joe. He signed up *ages* ago... he may look like a tramp, but he's got a heart of pure spun gold...

I know, I know...Candida Doyle was the *real* brains behind Pulp, but you have to butter these people up occasionally or they turn nasty...


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Message Left With Kitty-Go Booking...

Hi kitty-go booking,

I'd like to book a table for two for tonight at a vegetarian restaurant in the Dusseldorf vicinity - you can choose, we're not fussy, as long as we can sit by the window and there are no people smoking within a twelve metre radius of us and the waitress doesn't go by a first name that contains the letter E...

Oh and could you get us on the earliest possible LAX-bound flight the day after? Only I have a very important charity golf tournament to play with Alice Cooper, Larry David and Randy Newman. Thomas might turn up to caddy for him, which is nice.

Thank you very much for taking care of all that. You do take Visa, I trust...?

xxxx

'Berta

It's *damn* hard to find a *good* vegetarian menu in Germany, don't you think??

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Morrissey To Sing Britain's Eurovision Entry...

....he'll be doing "The Boy With The Thorn In His Boom-Bang-a-Bang-Crash-Bang-Wallop-Stick-it-Up-Your-Puppet-on-a-String.....", presumably....



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Wadcast #1...

Is here...

xxxx

'Berta


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Wadcasts...

As if I didn't need reminding of the daunting nature of the task ahead if I'm ever to fill my brother's shoes on this poxy blogathon of his, the reaction to yesterday's post (thanks Mo of Ro - nice to know there's someone out there....) has filled me with dread and forboding as to the unlikeliness of my pulling off next phase of the project. I know many of you worship the ground that Bob walks on, and ...yeah, he has his good points, I suppose, don't get me wrong....he can be generous to a fault if he thinks it will get him out of doing something and he mixes a *mean* drambuie/fruit/carpet cleaner based molotov that will have your legs parted faster than Moses divvying up the Red Sea with only 5 minutes to go before last orders at the bar. But I have to tell it like it is and, brother or not, I have to prick your bubble here and let you into a little secret. Don't be tricked by the carefree demeanour and the easy going charm; don't let the smouldering Brando looks and the dry-as-Woody-Allen's-Manhattan-with-a-dry-ice-top laconic wit fool you. He may well have promised to give his liver to Rwandan orphans (well, I say 'give' - it's more of a highly complex cryogenic lend/lease reciprocal actually..) but the man can also be a bit of a mean spirited tossbag and a downright hardfaced cunt to boot when it suits, if I can be frank. And at the moment, it suits.

You see, not only does he insist that I earn my corn by seeing this thing through until we make the 100,000 visit mark (yeah, like there's more chance of London 2012 going ahead on time than this shite hitting six figures this side of the 22nd century....when it comes to my "impact" on this site's popularity, the words kiss, of and death spring to mind ....), but he also wants me to revitalise his blessed Bobcasts too - you know, the ones you were all ignoring while you were busy turning The Mo of Ro into the 3.76 rated, award winning, Leather miniskirted, tights-round her ankles, female Fluff Freeman de nose jaws? Well, that's the plan. But first I've got to see if Bitchslutpod will let me change the name. I mean, come on - do I look like a Robert to you??

Anyways, I'll let you know when I've got it all sorted. Can't wait, as I'm sure you can't either....


xxxx


'Berta

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John Wesley Harding...

That's this chap...





....not the famous Bob Dylan L.P. of the same new. For some reason, an interview he did with Vivian Stanshall came up on the pod this morning. Interesting to hear the self-congratulatory king of "power folk" talking up his then current album, the listener aware as he could not have been at the time of how funny it would sound with hindsight, in the knowledge that said L.P. would sell precisely 5 copies.

I mention this for 2 reasons.

1) I saw JWH by accident at the Subterranea club. Lunatic mate-who-turned-down-the-chance-to-play-drums-with-Jamiroquoi had told me we were going to see South African trumpeter Hugh Masakele. It was only after "the support band" (JWH) had been playing for about 3 hours that the penny dropped.......Hugh must be *next* Tuesday.. Still, we did get to see Pete Thomas and van Morrison's orgaist, I suppose...

2) The unfettered joy of hearing a clearly bored rigid (and pissed) Viv say in his most urbane, radio 4 voice:

"I'm clearly well and truly under the influence.....but Wes, tell me about *your* influences..."

One question remains.

Why?

xxxx


'Berta

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Now I'm Gone...

I've just posted up a new song on "Munterspace.com"*.

It's my most ambitious recording so far. I actually attempted to sing without the aid of alcohol.

Decide for yourself whether I should pursue that direction any further...

The song is an update of the old Shangri Las number, "The Leader of the Pack" and takes up Jimmy's story after he gets killed on his motorcycle...

It's sort of a The Tibetan Book of Shadow Morton, kinda thing....

Hope you like it,

xxxx


'Berta


*© The Mother of all that is Rock

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Current Myspace Circular...

We are sad to announce the criminally premature passing of Welsh Country Music Legend Roberta Swipe who died this weekend in a Salinas motel of various alcohol related complications at the tender age of 26. Roberta had just won the prestigious Expatriate Welshman Currently Resident in Southern Californian Award for best newcomer (female) and was runner up in the Guess the Weight of the Heifer competition (6lb, 3 ounces...) at the Salinas Eiysteddfod and it is believed that she overdid the ensuing celebrations somewhat. Several hours after being found by the motel maid, Swipe's stomach was still being drained of what appears to have been a lethal cocktail of Drambuie based alco-fruit drinks and carpet cleaner. Her liver had bloated to about 5 times normal size, but was quite remarkably free from muddy foot prints, fluff and dust.

"The Texas Rose of the Valleys" as she was known to many (to most others, she was a big gobbed slapper who couldn't keep her legs together for more than 30 seconds at a stretch...but that's another matter...) left a small but impeccable body of work behind (as well as a pretty big bill at the liquor store...)

To hear her work, please visit the myspace tribute page we have set up in her honour by clicking on the beautiful image of the much-missed songstress or going here:

http://www.myspace.com/robertaswipe

Thank you for your time and God bless the spirit and memory of Roberta!



xxxx

'Berta

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The True Value of Friendship...

As most of you will have noticed, I'm new around here and so it's taken me a while to figure out the lay of the land. For instance, I didn't realise Bob was such a hit with the ladies (Jeez - what did you girls *see* in him??) But I didn't realise he'd hooked up with such a well-heeled crew as you lot! See, as part of my research, I had a quick look over at Blogshares.com and this was what I found out you were all worth.

Scary Duck (B$4,286.64)
Professional Spinster (B$1,337.65)
a hazy day today (B$933.72)
Brian Damage (B$830.31)
Postcards From The Yellow Room (B$791.16)
Goat Food (B$563.29)
Ceridwen Devi (B$537.22)
Leighton Cooke (B$400.80)
Geoff's Ordinary Blog (B$380.21)
¡Oye Billy! (B$370.48)
Was that me? (B$367.84)
mad musings of me (B$330.54)
Cultural Snow (B$326.14)
Betty's Utility Room (B$306.93)
The Voyage of Dick Headley (B$242.79)
Slinging Ink (B$206.56)
Seanycblog (B$204.92)
The Past; Present; and Future (B$180.36)
e b e n c h (B$167.74)
The Fluffy Economist (B$125.91)
Saki and Satire (B$120.40)
The Trouser Quandary Resolution (B$112.04)
mad musings of me (B$28.76)
A Tangled Rope (B$14.47)

So obviously Mr. Scary Duck and Spinsterella (whoever *he* is...) can expect a personal call very soon...

On the other hand, A Tangled Rope......Well, I wouldn't hold your breathe....

xxxx


'Berta



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Personal Communication to Mr. Leonard "Laughing Lenny" Cohen...

......

Hi Mr. Cohen,

I've been told by people in the know that I have your voice and the body of Nastasia Kinski....

....at least, I *think* it was that way around....


......



......



....well, let's hope so, eh?


xxxxxx

'Berta

p.s. I'm a friend of the Dalai Lama's, you know....



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Madonna...

It's very easy to have a go at Madonna, isn't it? Talentless, haggy, desperate, baby thieving whore, who can swallow a yard of ale glass sideways while gargling the theme from the Great Escape are just some of the words that spring to mind.

But I must say, Madge has always been very fair in her dealings with me since we became friends on myspace - so much so, that I broke with my tradition of being *cool* about celebrity friends and left her this message:

Hi Madge,

Thanks so much for being a friend. It must have taken some guts knowing what a *total* ming you'd look alongside me. But fair play to you. I don't care what the others say. You may well be a talentless, haggy, desperate, baby thieving whore, who can swallow a yard of ale glass sideways while gargling the theme from the Great Escape, but you're alright with me!

xxxxx


'Berta

p.s. - Good luck with the adoption. If it all goes tits up, you can always have a couple of mine...

So give the girl a break, alright!


xxxx


'Berta


*******UPDATE******************

As she hadn't got back to me yet, I sent her this:

Have great new year Madge!!

(And I was serious about the kid thing - if you're deperate, you can always have a couple of mine. They're not black, but they can scream the house down and cack themselves for England!)

Wishing you every happiness for the year ahead and beyond,


xxxx

'Berta

I'm still waiting foir a reply....


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The Mother of all that is Rock!!

Bob told me she was good, but I didn't expect anything as stonking as *this*....

Keep up the good work Ro-Mo - and thanks for the plug. I'm *long* overdue a bath and thanks to you, that ass's milk won't go to waste now!


xxxx

'Berta


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