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Tuesday, 3 January 2006

Commuters and Drivers Gather to Mourn Dead Mayor Livingstone as TFL Bosses Favour Dalle over Dahl in "Massive" Bus and Tube Shake-up.


Millions of commuters will gather in Trafalgar Square later today to honour the memory of Ken Livingstone, the Mayor of London, who died last weekend. The late Mayor, whose often controversial policies have divided Londoners, will be laid to rest in St. Paul's Cathedral this afternoon.

Livingstone: "presumed dead.."

Critics of the Mayor, who died due to lacerations caused by the insertion of several hundred thousand Oyster Card application forms and Congestion Charge bills up his arse, have vowed to wait until after the public demonstration of sympathy before renewing their attacks on the Capital's disastrous transport policies. Among the bones of contention are the sharp rises in fares which came into effect yesterday - despite an earlier increase in the Congestion Charge levied from motorists entering the city centre. The Charge was supposed to help finance a cheap and efficient public transport alternative to the cars gridlocking the city's roads, but despite the new fare hikes, the delapidated, urine drenched carriages and buses filled with pissed-up Care in the Community victims persist.

Poster for a new hard-hitting documentary on Transport for London. The full sinister Big Brother-style truth behind the Oyster Card.....and lots of crumpet.

As if exorbitant fare increases and an odour of piss emanating from a Special Brew-addled mentalist were not bad enough, there was further chaos for those attempting to return to work this morning as, in an attempt to railroad commuters into signing up for the electronic Oyster Card, a rumour was spread by TFL PR gurus that the conventional travelcards used by many as an alternative had been abolished. Travellers all over Greater London joined excessive queues to obtain the sinister and user-unfriendly cards in the erroneous belief that the simple and efficient paper travelcards were no longer available. However, with the belated realisation that ending the service during a busy return to work period with no prior notice whatsoever would lead to chaos and anger for hundreds of thousands of public transport users, the plan was dropped at the eleventh hour.

...which reminds me. I saw that Sophie Dahl on the 237...

The Oyster Cards have prompted unease among many users. Not only are there civil rights reservations about the way they can be used to monitor the user's movements but it is often hard for the owners to know when they have used up their credits - a frequent occurence which is fuelling a spate of bus-rage related driver/Care in the Community victim drubbings and slowing down the service even further. Despite these concerns, TFL are determined to extend the system and cite the advice of police and security services experts who believe the cards are a valuable weapon in the fight against global terrorism. The police are convinced that the inclusion of an "are you a terrorist planning to attack a major European city's transport network by blowing yourself up in the name of holy war"-type question on the application form will greatly enhance their currenly poor intelligence on terrorist cells currently operating in the UK and prevent a repeat of the July bombings that terrorised the capital last year. "These terrorists have to make a choice", said a spokesman for TFL. " Worldwide jihad or bus pass - it's as simple as that."

Dahl: "...yes, that's right boys. You can go anywhere you like for 10p. Just make sure you've washed your hands first..."

Meanwhile, the battle to succeed Mayor Livingstone hotted up today as model Sophie Dahl threw her hat into the ring and unveiled detailed plans of a comprehensive overhaul of transport policy should she be elected. In a highly populist move, the busty grand-daughter of much-loved children's author Roald said that under her control TFL would re-introduce the popular 10p for any journey fare established by Livingstone before the abolition of the old Greater London Council. In addition, she has promised to allow photographs of herself modelling slinky lingerie in provocative poses to adorn the sides of all London buses and a free can of Fosters lager to be distributed to disabled and visually impaired travellers.

Dalle: "....hop on...."

Despite what appears to be a solid package of measures, Dahl is still some way behind in the polls. French actress Beatrice Dalle is the current favourite to land the prestigious post. The voluptuous screen star has promised free travel for the over sevens and a quickie on the back seat for all bus passengers, with live footage to be beamed to huge jumbotron screens across the tube network.

Love on y'all,


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