News just in: The Prime Minister Tony Bleeeeeeuuuuuuuurrrrghhhh has angrily denied spurning expensively assembled intelligence reports in favour of lenghty sessions with his i-pod as he grapples with the thorny issue of Iran's atomic development programme. He is reported to have repeatedly played the greatest hits of 70s actor-turned-singer, David Soul instead of examining the detailed evidence that the Iranians are close to joining the elite group of nations to have tested a nuclear bomb.
P.M. Bleeeeeuuuuuurrrgh explains how British troops are winning hearts and minds in Iraq: "..and then, if they still won't tell us what we want to hear...."
A Downing Street spokesperson said, "Tony's 100% on the case as far as Iran is concerned. He's been extensively briefed on developments in Tehran and is carefully monitoring their ability to build a nuclear missile that could take out Italy. Whilst we are obviously completely in favour of the latter, we do have to put down a strong marker where nuclear proliferation is concerned. I mean, do we want to live in a world where just anybody could bring down a nuclear apocalypse on the flimsiest of pretexts? No, it's far better that it's just us, the yanks, the Russians, Israel, India, Pakistan, China or North Korea who are able to bring down a nuclear apocalypse on the flimsiest of pretexts. Have Belgium got one too? Well, whatever - it's just not on, is it? So, we'll stop at nothing - including reducing a huge Middle Eastern State to a state of violent ethnic-fragmentation and chaos through an occupation characterised by torture, bribery and corruption - in order to maintain the rule of International law. But to suggest that he's been doing little more than tapping his toes to the work of a journeyman singer who used to be in Starsky & Hutch - well it's just ridiculous. Besides, it's common knowledge that he's well into the Jam big time at the moment."
Soul: "...tired of talking, sleeping, walking from coast to coast? The new Fiat Leon - only £3,560..."
In a personal address on GMTV, Mr. Blair told Fiona Phillips' knees, "obviously I got a lot of flak over the way I took the country to war in Iraq and the subsequent occupation has been, let's be frank, a bit of a trial. But I can assure you all, that This time, I'm going in with my eyes open. So, Don't give up on us, baby. Come on Silver Lady! Take my hand. I won't give up on you again, believe me!. Besides, if things get really tricky, I can always feed the Daily Mail some alarmist, made-up nonsense about the Iranians planting an A-bomb in Wardour Street and everyone will Start to panic , Going Underground with David Watts, before being engulfed in a Funeral Pyre. Hello, hooray, what a nice day for the Eton Rifles - E-X-T-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-E E-X-T-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-E!!"
Weller: "Sup up your beer and collect your fags - there's a row going on down near Persia..."
The P.M. is currently setting out policies that will make our streets safe to walk again whilst achieving precisely the opposite effect in Iraq...
Love on y'all,