Tuesday, 10 January 2006
"It's no good pouting like that, Young lady - for the last time, you're not going out with a skirt halfway up your crack. And that's final!"
Following the huge success our campaign to help ensure that T4 Popworld's Miquita Oliver was properly shod and hosed, we ask you to be just as generous in supporting our snappily titled Send T4 Popworld's Underage Presenter Miquita Back To School To Take Her O'Levels Campaign. We will be using the surplus cash you've already sent in - the interest from which helped us get a fab new nano-pod for the office, by the way - to help Miquita get back on track with her schoolwork.
Miquita falls in with a bad crowd: "...and then while you're blowing off the parky, right, we nick 'round the back and make off with the alco-pops...."
Obviously, it's a great start in life for a young teenager like Miquita to be able to interview stars like Simon le Bon and Geri Halliwell, but what about later in life when the one-to-ones with chubby, second-rate pop singers, dry up? In order to help prepare Miquita for life's ups and downs, we will be investing in a complete satchel-full of educational goodies - rulers, jotters, multi-coloured felt-tip pen sets, compasses, protractors (you name it, it's in there!) - in the hope that we can lure Miquita into spending at least a couple of hours a week at her studies instead of comparing cocaine come-down stories with the Kaiser Chiefs' road crew. But, as any parents of maladjusted teenagers will know all too well, that's only the start of the hard work. How many kids like young Ms. Oliver will, if left to their own devices, pretend to be puzzling over a particularly vexing algebra probem when they are really engaging in an illicit exchange of trivial text messages with Abi Harding, the saxophonist from the Zutons? You see our problem?
Abi Harding: "...the hardest working woman saxophonist in a band called the Zutons in show business...."
But fear not! The solution is - with your help - at hand. We are hoping to raise £250,000 in order to install a sophisticated network of surveillance cameras and microphones in order to be able to monitor Miquita's study periods and ensure that next time we ask her to name Henry VIII's seven wives and the manner of their separation from the Tudor monarch, we will get something a bit more intelligent out of her than "...er....dunno..but Rachel from Steps says she's never wearing spangly lilac mazzy again after the last lot ran...."
The Sunday Show: a warning from history....
Please, dear readers, give generously so that Miquita does not go the way of so many others - Katy Puckrick, Terry Christian, Donna MacFailure and many more besides - and end up a sad washed up T.V. non-entity with no employment prospects and no qualifications to fall back on in an increasingly competitive media job market. It may not be quite as exciting as rubbing shoulders with the Sugababes, but you could do worse than a nice Saturday job at Boots. You never know, Miq - with hard work, application and complete submission to your superiors, in 55 years time you could be retiring - a degraded, used up tube of festering frustration after having allowed a pointless round of drudgery and routine to grind any semblance of humanity out of you!! Come on - dig deep!! And together we can make a difference!!!
Love on y'all,