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Monday, 30 January 2006

Silverton Falls Out With Murnaghan Over Perching Rights - Exclusive!

Woah Swipesters!!

Hold the phone!!! Leggy, bespectacled newscasteress Kate Silverton is once again at the centre of a row with one of her co-presenters when it emerged that she had asked for the BBC Breakfast sofa to be replaced with a luxury perch! The former bunny-girl and Wright Stuff panelist, whose bizarre appearance and nocturnal hunting habits have been reported previously, is thought to have had an ultra-pernickety rider included in her terms of service after a similar falling out with former co-host Philip Hayton. The reclining perch will include armrests stuffed with grain and be suspended over the 40 feet square of emery board that will replace the existing studio floor. "It's costing us a packet", said a BBC executive, "but if it keeps Kate happy, it's worth it. Besides, we don't want owl droppings all over the floor - Dermont's hacked off enough as it is, without running the risk of him slipping on some bird crap and breaking his neck."

Kate Silverton shares a joke with co-presenter Sian Williams. (That's Kate on the left....)

Keen to keep their highly sought after presenter on their books, the BBC have gone to what appear to be extraordinary lengths to mollify the temperamental star. This morning's show saw the unveiling of Silverton's new cage, replete with mirror, gold water bath, millet smorgasbord and a variety of freshly slain rodents and small birds. A visibly irked Murnaghan had to make do with a poorly constructed nest cobbled together from twigs, sanitary towels and sweet wrappers instead of his usual comfy seat. "She's at it again", complained one Breakfast insider. "Next thing you know, she'll be complaining that she'll only work at night and have us all camped out in a field waiting to film her swooping down on her prey and carrying it off to gorge herself on some poor little dormouse or baby rabbit. She's a merciless bitch, that's for sure. And you don't want to get on the wrong side of her - never mind the bloody beak, with those talons of hers she doesn't mess about!"

Kaplinsky: set to fly the nest leaving Murnaghan to slop around on bird poop alone....

BBC news suffered a further setback when it was revealed that its flagship presenter Natasha Kaplinsky would be leaving the department to pursue a range of journalistic projects. After her success on Strictly Come Dancing, the voluptuous newsreader will be allowing fly-on-the-wall cameras to document her progress as she spends a year learning to become a professional dancer in a private members' club in Pole to pole dancer. Later in the year, the telly lovely will host a new travel-based reality TV show in which alcohol-sozzled British tourists argue with one another at ridiculous volumes, before murdering one another's children. I'm a wanker and I'm going on holiday to shout a lot will be screened in the autumn.

Love on y'all,


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