Sunday, 8 January 2006
Keira Knightley Says - "Let's Get Bob a Column on the Grauniad!"
The following is a message we received this morning from screen beauty Keira Knightley:
Hello Swipe readers (especially you, Mike),
Like me, you'll have often wondered as you blot dry your thighs, pick yourself off the floor and reach for the Harvey's Bristol cream having just read Bob's latest post why on earth he still hasn't been picked up by a major National newspaper and given his own column. But let's not be over ambitious - the Grauniad would do! I know, I know - you're probably thinking, "nah! he's not really that funny and besides, if I wanted to ogle women, I'd go to Tarty Doris - at least they have an index and loads of piccies of Kate Silverton wearing suspenders and a micro Santa Claus outfit...b.t.w. how did she deal with that cellulite problem. She is she-ee-eer!) But Bob's alright really, isn't he? (well, apart from the strange odours of herring and Drambuie and the drink problem and so on...)
So let's go for it Swipesters! He's never going to get a CBE for services to tarmac exports unless we all get behind him and jolly well force that Mr. Bleeeeeuuuurgh's hand. We're not all Dame Elton te Kanawa, are we? So, I've personally written to the Grauniad Ulnitimed's editor Emily Bell asking her to come on over and visit the site, laugh her basque off and then sign Bob up for a lucrative deal. We want the rest of the world to
be able to enjoy his deranged cockateel impersonations too, don't we? Let's make Bob global so that the starving kids of the Third World won't die without knowing how a seven foot man can look the spitting image of Eva Marie Saint using only a padded bra and three sheets of bubble wrap. But I can't do it all on own, so, join me in my crusade to get Bob a column of his own by emailing Emily yourself:
and let's see if we can't get the old scrotum tamperer the vastly inflated salary and life-size crocheted Rowan Pelling that he deserves. And just in case you're still dilly-dallying, don't forget our special prize draw. That's right - join our campaign to get Bob his own personal column on the Grauniad Ulnitimed and I'll email you the j-pegs of me limbo dancing in the PVC Nun's habit from the Pirates of the Caribbean end of shoot tarts and vicars romp...
Thank you for your time,
Keira Knightley (the actress)
Love on y'all,