Tuesday, 10 January 2006
Our mailbags here at Swipe Towers have been bulging at the seams recently with photographs alleging to capture sightings of notoriously bashful diva and leggy German beauty Ute Lemper. Unfortunately, in your understandable rush to commit shy and retiring ubermadchen Ute to film, many of you have unfortunately snapped up nothing more than uncannily similar lookalikeys, often posing on the sides of buses as advertisements for the West End musical Chicago...as we say in the Social Services Departments in the Outer Hebrides - 'close, but no cigar, Buddy boy!' Still, we thought that as you'd gone to all the trouble and seeing as how we could easily figure out an excruciating pun to put at the top of the post and turn it into a regular serial we could always fall back on when we had nothing more interesting to say, we may as well put the dang things up anyhow! And just for your delight and delectation, we asked theatre critic and all-round diamond geezer Sheridan Morley to run his rule over the young pretenders and sort the wheat beer from the chaff! So, here's the first of our Ute-ly divine Lemper Lookalikeys - with Sheri's accompanying notes to help you identify the real thing in future!
Sheridan Morley's verdict: The girl's good, I'll give her that. She's certainly got the legs for the role - marvellous fetlocks and she was beautifully turned out in the paddock. Her choice of brocaded see-through net arms is a masterstroke - Ute herself would be proud! Excellent rump curvature and that is the knee grip of a true star - either that or or an excellent three day eventer. Unfortunately the face is more Bermondsey than Berlin, and the hair's all wrong lovey, it just won't do at all. Ute's a blonde, dear - hadn't you noticed? Still, on the whole, a not bad effort. I've certainly turned away worse looking fillies offering to lather me up for a handful of Deutschmarks in a dark alley off the Grosse Freiheit - I can tell you!
Conclusion: The rump and fetlocks to take Badminton by storm, but when it comes to Lemper, she's an Ute charlaton!
Have you seen someone who vaguely looks like Ute Lemper recently? If so, please help us keep this lame idea for a serial going by posting your photos of leggy West End musical chorus hoofers to:
I Can't Believe It's Not Ute!
We promise to wipe them down before we give them back to you.
Love on y'all,