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Wednesday, 4 January 2006

Abramovich Plans Audacious Sooty and Sweep Raid and Vows to Break Basil Brush/Fingerbobs Premiership Monopoly - Exclusive!!!

Wowdy-dowdy Swipesters!!!

News just in from our sports desk team that could blow a hole in next year's Premiership before a ball has even been kicked...

Abramovich: "Is it my eeeemaaaaaaaageeeenayshunnnnnn?????"

Glorious Russian Petro-billionaire and peasant zapper Roman Abramovich has thrown down the gauntlet to his premiership rivals by vowing to sign up their two top players in an audacious £200 million transfer. This could mean the nation's favourite sport being dominated permanently by a two-bit team of puppets bank-rolled by a dodgy Siberian who lucked out by screwing his Motherland for all it was worth. Stamford Bridge insiders say that, impressed by the success of Manchester United's ace French striker Madame Cholet, Abramovich - currently on tour with his pathetically named Oasis/Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young tribute band, Gallagher, Gallagher, Tate & Lyle - has decided that the time is right to tap the seemingly untold reservoir of children's TV puppet characters in order to secure a footballing hegemony into the next century and beyond.

Kiki: "..say, Bobby - what is ze French for Petro-billionaire arse wipe??"

Seemingly bored with beating all the other premiership sides hands down with an expensive array of world class footballers playing out the win-one-nil-at-all costs negative tactics of Portugal's premier Buddhist Jose Mourinho - Abramovich will up the ante by attempting to win the Premiership with a team composed entirely of Televison puppets. In a bold - some might argue reckless - move, the obscenely wealthy plutocrat is willing to gamble all in his bid to sign Arsenal's swashbuckling forward, Kiki the Frog AND Manchester United's talented but temperamentally flawed playmaker Sooty in a cavalier double transfer swoop. There are even rumours that Abramovich may even be plotting a three-way deal by throwing in Hernan Crespo in a putative swap deal that would see Cameroonian international Sweep move to Stamford Bridge.

Sooty: "Hocus Pocus, he's in focus! Temperamentally flawed maybe, but the magic man is worth every penny" says Jonathan Pearce.

Arsenal manager Yoffy and Man United Boss Roy North were both adamant that Cheslea's aggressive new approach would come to nought in the long term. "I've had my hand up the backsides of some of the best young talent this country has to offer and believe me there's more to a young footballers life than bling, fast cars and roasting talentless young pop singers in Cheshire hotel suites. Not much more, admittedly, but they do a couple of hours training a week as well you know", said a clearly agitated Mr. Roy when asked if he thought the Russian's money had destroyed his club's ability to lure the top players. Asked if he would agree with his erstwhile title rival, Gunners boss Yoffy was characteristically frank and honest. "I have not seen any of these incidents, but if I had I would certainly lift a finger the general direction of that arrogant, rich Russian bastard who's ruined the game with his limitlessly funded plaything. Wanker!"

Yoffy lifts a finger "...and your dog, you spoilt Russky fuckface..."

Seemingly indifferent to the harmful impact his club's financially engineered dominance could have on the future of the game, Cheslea Chief Executive Peter Kenyon was unmoved by what he termed "spoil-sport whinging" from the two previously dominant coaches. "We will push ahead and buy up every single puppet on the planet if it takes that to secure global domination for our glorious leader...I mean owner. Jose is right behind him - well, it's easier to operate him that way - and I think he's on record as saying that if the quality is there, he's just as happy having his hand inside a much-loved TV comedy puppet as he is up Frank Lampard's arse. It's more hygienic for a kick off. But Roman's no fool, you know. He may look like a hapless retarded village idiot who wouldn't know a diamond midfield from a samovar stuffed with pickled herring, but what he doesn't know about children's Television puppets isn't worth knowing. You can pick the future champions from a group of one, as usual. Now piss off you oiks or I'll have you shot for not selling us your knocked down Sibneft shares...."

"......but you can't leave it there Mr. Roy!!"

Cheslea play the cast of the Magic Roundabout at the Reebok Stadium, Camberwick Green on Saturday and will no doubt return with all three points after a dour, stodgy 1-0 win.

Love on y'all,


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