Thursday, 5 January 2006
The following is a message we received this morning from Hollywood hunk Mickey Rourke:
Hello fellow loyal Swipe readers,
Like me, you'll have often wondered as you blot dry your eyes, pick yourself off the floor and reach for the handy wipes having just read Bob's latest post why in heavens to Betsy he still hasn't been picked up by a major National newspaper and given his own column. Or even the Grauniad for that matter. I know, I know - you're probably thinking, "heck, it's great just having Bob to ourselves, ain't it? And what if he got so big he never had the time to leave those irritating personal messages that take a week to read on our own blogs. Well, I hate to spoil the illusion here folks, but they're all computer generated anyhow. And just think, with all that free time on your hands, you'll be able to do all those things you've been putting off so you could read his latest comments to the end - like sandpaper your pet waterfowl or finally patio-ing the pool room. Whatever. Plus you'd be doing Bob a huge favour, so you might as well help him get that first yacht-made-out-of-toothpicks before he's 63, like he promised he would to his dear old Ma.
So let's go for it Swipesters! He ain't gone get there if we just sat on here on our brains and do diddly squat to help. So, I've written to the Grauniad Ulnitimed's editor Emily Bell asking her to come on over and visit the site, laugh her stockings off and then sign Bob up for a lucrative deal so the world at large can all start enjoying his perverted interest in ladies lingerie and herring-based cocktail drinks. But I can't do it all on my darn lonesome, so, join me in my crusade to get Bob a column of his own by emailing Emily yourself:
and let's see if we can't get the old goat the vastly inflated salary and chance meeting with Rowan Pelling at the Groucho club that his having carried around a pail of baby lotion cut with duty free Drambuie miniatures deserves. And just in case you're still dilly-dallying, don't forget our special prize draw. That's right, ladies (and a few of you fellas too, no doubt..) Join our campaign to get Bob his own personal column on the Grauniad Ulnitimed and you will automatically be entered.
.....oh, sorry, entered into our prize draw. (Dang autocues...)
So, don't miss the chance to win a Smeg fridgeful of exotic sex food personally poured on to and licked off of your private parts by me.
Thank you for your time,
Mickey Rourke (the actor)
Love on ya,