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Wednesday, 18 January 2006

Gemma Craven's Newsround!

Hi Swipesters!

Please give a big Swipe Show welcome to our new correspondent Gemma Craven.

Every week, the lovely Gemma will be daubing her nips with lippy to bring you all a round up of the day's big news stories.

Over to you Gemma!

Police Foil Plot to Kidnap Leo Sayer!

Leaked reports made up by the Sun newspaper suggest that police have uncovered a plot by the campaign group Fathers4Justice to kidnap popular 70s entertainer Leo Sayer. Sayer, a frequent and outspoken critic of fatherhood, put himself at the top of the group's list of targets when he denounced the campaigners' poor taste in joke super-hero costumes. "What's wrong with a nice clown costume and a bit of slap? It worked for me on "I won't let the show go on", it can work for them too", said the chirpy singer and former star of The Hair Bair Bunch.

"'s the only way - but at least we'll stay together.." Sayer provokes more Fathers4Justice outrage with insensitive lyric shock..."

Meanwhile, actor Leo McKern has been given a police escort following an incident involving the same protest group earlier today. The tubby actor was in the process of recording his drum part on "You're Going to Lose That Girl" when would-be kidnappers were discovered attempting to saw around his drum riser. Fortunately, McKern was unharmed as the campaigners had, in time-honoured slapstick tradition, miscalculated the position of the portly drummer and succeeded only in bringing the harmonium used to record "We Can Work it Out" crashing down upon themselves.

The Fab Three: "..whadda you wanna do? I dunno, whadda you wanna do...??"

McKern is thought to have become a target for Fathers4Justice when he came into the possession of a large ruby ring which he has subsequently been unable to remove from a swollen finger. The ring is used by the campaign group in its satanic rituals in which the wearer of the ring is sacrificed at an altar in protest at the machinations of the Child Support Agency whilst Eleanor Bron gyrates around with a veil to a George Martin sitar score. As McKern is still unable to remove the ring, actress Mariam D'Abo has been put on red alert and is primed and ready to slide to the rescue using her cello as a snowboard should there be any further attempts on the life of the Australian Rumpole of the Bailey star, currently in hiding in the Swiss Alps. McKern and Sayer remain targets despite Fathers4Justice claiming to have disbanded due to having been infiltrated by spooks aiming to discredit them with trumped up and unsubstantiated rumours of evil kidnap plots. Die-hards on the lunatic fringes of the campaign group made distraught and desperate by lengthy separations from their wife and children have vowed to continue scaling up public monuments and buildings dressed up like tossers and indulging in far-fetched plots to dismember bluff old theatricals and kidnap diminutive light entertaiment figures.

D'Abo: "...I knew I should have brought a cagoul...."

Cameron Launches New Tory Party Manifesto.

Elsewhere, Conservative Party leader David Cameron has outlined his vision of Britain under the next Tory government. The new leader has pledged to replace Britain's current mixed economy balancing free-market liberalism and cautious state intervention with a new commune-style model in which each is granted according to their needs. At a symbolic press conference held in Highgate cemetary, Cameron called for an end to inequalities perpetrated by the profit motive and challenged workers of the world to rise up and unite, telling them "you have nothing to lose but your chains. As Conservatives, we have always been the natural party of overthrowing the bourgeoise hegemony and instigating a workers' state brought about by seizing the means of production in a violent and bloody revolution."

Elizabeth David: The original domestic goddess only not related to Nigel Lawson. Unlike Nigella, obviously.

However, Cameron's plan to outflank New Labour by moving to the left on social and economic issues has not gone down well in all Conservative quarters. Speaking from his bunker in Penge, the former party chairman Lord Tebbit said, "it's all very well trying to give some scrounging, bone-idle, good for nothing single Mum on a sink estate the same quality of life as Oliver Letwin, but who's going to pay for it all??" Cameron is expected in Moscow today where he will be meeting Vladimir Putin and pushing for the Russian leader to assasinate Tsar Nicholas II and withdraw Russian troops from World War I.

Nigella: Gratuitous, perhaps - but so ample. And fruity...

More from me next week,


Love on y'all,


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