Please give a warm welcome to our new literary correspondent Blanche Librarian:
Each week, Blanche will be talking to a prominent figure from the world of belle lettres over lunch and latte to find out what makes them tick. This week, Blanche tucks in to some Sweet Desserts while Lucy Ellman ponders: Man or Mango??
I Lunch Lucy: "....and hold the mayo - I asked for HELLMANS!!...."
Blanche Librarian: Lucy it's a real pleasure to be talking to you today.
Lucy Ellman: Why thanks Blanche. Mutual, I'm sure.
BL: Tell me, do you like shrimps?
LE: Well, to be honest, I'm not a huge fan...
BL: Well, Lu - can I call you Lu?
LE: Mmm-hmm...
BL: ...to tell you the truth Lu, I've never been such a big fan either. Why? Can't put my finger on it, it's just an irrational thing I guess, but I've never been able to stomach them. I guess it all started when I was in the third-grade and Tad Axeldrain asked me out on a kinda date. You remember Tad!
LE: Ny-uh-huh...
BL: Oh you DO know! Mirsha Heppelwhaite's nephew - Spoonya's sister.....well, you'd know him if you saw him. OK, so, anyways, Tad – boy, Tad was cute, he really was peachy honey, you know what I’m saying? Tad comes up and he’s all, like, puffed-up and trying to be like the big macho man and everything and he says “hey, Miss Fancy Pants Librarian, like, you wanna, like, go out on, like, a date, kinda, with, like, me, huh? Waddaya say?” right? So I’m like, “urrrr, Tad: like, h-u-l-l-o! Like, I’m only D-R-O-O-O-O-O-L-I-N-G, like, every kinda day over sorta you, Tad. Like, what else am I gonna say? Cut to the chase, I’m, like – well, Tad, where’re ya takin’ me, huh? And he’s, like – well, whatever…Pizza? And I’m like: Ny-uh-huh….Taco-Bell? Nyuh-huh-uh-huh! Like, Karagheorghis World of Shrimp and Mussel Arcade, or what? UH-HUH! Meet me at eight - and don’t be late!
LE: Could you pass the salt please, Blanche....?
BL: Surely honey-pie. So, anyways, eight o’clock, on the dot, I’m there with Suki Baumwinter as, like, kinda a chaperone, right, OK and, like, I'm all excited and, like, making with the butterflies in the stomach - R-E-A-L nervous, uh huh - and Suki's, like, "he'll be here any moment, right - just you wait and see". So, long story short, we’re, like, waiting for, like, forty minutes, right – and guess what? That's right, honey - no Tad! So, after a further, like it musta been, kinda a half hour, Suki’s, like, telling me, “he is SOOOO, like, dumped, right, and I’m like – D-U-R-R!! When Suki taps me s-l-o-w-l-y and p-o-i-n-t-e-d-l-y on the left nipple and she’s, like, gawping at something behind me, like a big, slack-jawed kinda fish or something, right, and I turn slowly kinda round to see Tad Axeldrain trying to remove a bone or some dental floss or something from Heppy Leffborough’s, like, throat or something, kinda - WITH HIS TONGUE! Can you believe that? So, the long and the short of it is, I, like never speak to Heppy Leffborough OR Tad Axeldrain, like EVER again, right. And I’ve NEVER EVER to this day eaten shrimp. Can you believe that?? Now, Lu – are you just playing with that bagel, or are you gonna, like, eat it? Only I am positively famished ....Mmmmmmmmm-hmmmmmmmmm, that (chomp) is (chomp) SIM (chomp) PLY (chomp) DI (chomp) VINE...
LE: …….????
Lucy Ellman and friend. Insert your own "...now available in Penguin" -type joke....
Love on y'all,
Bob
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises
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