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Saturday, 14 January 2006

Roberta Update - Condition Stable But Doctors Still Fear the Worst...


Firstly, thank you all for your support and the flowers and messages that have been flooding into the office in the wake of Roberta's tragic accident. Our intrepid Entertainment USA reporter is still in a critical condition after being hit by a hijacked plane in the streets of New York City in the early hours of yesterday morning. We will be posting up a full memorial board of your kind words and expressions of sympathy as soon as we can, but in the meantime, I would like to express my sincere thanks to all of you for showing us the solidarity and compassion you have at this very difficualt time.

Tributes to Roberta have been pouring in from the great and good of the world, as well as the unspectacular nonentities who sent in all the flowers and shit. Margaret Trudeau praised Roberta for her "style, poise and wit", claiming that "if ever you were going to go off on a 24-hour liqueurs and benzedrine bender culminating in a high stakes strip poker tournament, you'd want someone like Roberta by your side. Well, she made me look good." Randy Newman, a long-time friend and admirer, also praised her, claiming that her "rough, tough exterior" masked a "gentle and surprisingly supple interior". Newman is hoping to compose a song in memory of the much-loved Television journalist saying, "it's gonna be as belter. I hope to have it finished as soon as I can come up with a clean rhyme for Roberta..."

Elsewhere, Roberta's colleagues in the world of television news have been expressing their sdaness and relief. "Jesus, it's just knocked me for six", said BBC Breakfast News star Mishal Husain. "How often have I tottered into work on 15 inch heels, still full to the gizzard with bad liquor from the night before in a highly flammable conglomeration of man-made fibres? It's just by the grace of Allah that I never got hit by a re-routed jet-plane commandeered by terrorists belonging to a bizarre Masonic sect bent upon getting a television animal star his own daytime TV slot. BBC London news presenter Emily Maitlis was unavailable for comment, but is believed to have been admitted to a retreat for nervous TV anchorwomen where specialist health professionals are thought to be operating on her to have a pair of extraordinarily high-heeled boots surgically removed.

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