Diaz: "bellyful of Chas"
Hollywood star Cameron Diaz today plunged the British political world into turmoil as she revealed that Tory leadership hopeful David Cameron had snorted cocaine out of her belly button backstage at a prestigious awards ceremony. The young Conservative moderniser was already the subject of frenzied press speculation as to his alleged drug-taking during his time at University. It now seems likely not only that the previous allegations that he was a typical zombified dope-head as a student are true but also that Cameron now harbours a several thousand pound a day habit that may jeopardise his political career, although it could make him very popular in the world of show business and fashion-modelling.
Cameron: "zonked on toot"
Miss Diaz claims that the incident took place at the British Soap awards after-show party where David Cameron was due to present the award for Best Storyline in a Daytime Soap. The actress revealed that Cameron approached her wearing a bandana, dark sunglasses, skinny black jeans and cowboy boots and greeted her, “alright man? Where’s the shitter? You look like a happening chick – you wanna toot from my horn of plenty? Ahhh-haaaa-haaaa-haaaaa-haaaa! Let’s party, bitch!” “At first I thought he was gay like the rest of the Tory Party, but he’s, like, so different. It’s hard to believe he has this image as a typical, boring, soulless middle-aged businessman who was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. I mean, like, what he doesn’t know about Gangsta Rap, just ain’t worth knowing, Baba!”
50 Cent: "Big him up", says Cameron.
Diaz claims that Cameron offered her a rolled up fifty pound note through which she snorted several lines of highest quality Columbian Charlie, and then draped herself over a washroom basin so that the MP could fill her belly button with a mound of the class A drug which he duly snorted in the same manner. Having gorged himself on the cocaine, Cameron suffered an intense high before lapsing into a feverish and paranoid state. Tipping his back and laughing up at the ceiling, Cameron set light to the money with a silver Zippo before taking Miss Diaz doggy-style in a nearby cubicle. “He was such a gentleman”, the actress beamed, “I just hope he gets the chance to do to the rest of the country what he did to me!”
Lauren: "little shit"
Cameron’s political career may well be beyond saving, but he has been offered support from an unlikely source. The Cameroon national soccer team has offered to play Cameron in a charity game that it is hoped will refocus attention on his many positive attributes as a potential Prime Minister. Said veteran manager Malcolm Alison, “David’s got great touch, great vision, reads the game well and if he can pick himself out with those pinpoint passes into the penalty area, his finishing is so good that I can see him giving the Cameroonian defence a few problems.” Cameroon right back Lauren was also looking forward to the game. “I can’t wait to get stuck into the little shit”, smiled the laid back Arsenal defender.
Allison: "On me head son"
Love on y'all,
Bob
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