Man Utd. boss Sir Alex Ferguson has reacted angrily to reports that his star striker, Madame Cholet has been engaged in wild drinking binges on the eve of crucial Champions League games.
The temperamental French star, pictured here with the rest of the Man Utd forward line, has always tested the patience of the United manager but even her worst extravagances have tended to be overlooked due to her enormous talismanic influence over her team mates. "Cholet's the apple of his eye", said a member of the United coaching staff. "Anybody else'd get thrown into a bank of nettles for rolling in half-cut with a bottle of Jamesons under their tracksuit, but 'Madame' always seems to get away with it."
Tales of the star's drunken exploits are legion. Perhaps the most famous episode was before the side's memorable Semi-final victory over Juventus on the way to their glorious treble in 1999. "Cholet had half a bottle of cooking sherry at half time - she was as pissed as newt by the time she'd crossed the touchline. It's a f**king good job we'd got the two away goals we needed to progress in the first half. The lump of lard just sat on the halfway line rocking back and forth for forty minutes like a mental person in a rocking chair. She took her goal well, mind."
With United currently languishing in 4th place, 700 points behind Cheslea with a game in hand, it's tempting to think that we may have seen the last of the mercurial French chef's tantalising runs and deft feints, but ex-United and Norway defender, Noggin the Nog is convinced that the star still has a future at Old Trafford
"Aye, there's life in the old slapper yet", beamed the wily old warhorse. "There's still plenty more drinking and a few more goals in those boots if you ask me..."
Love on y'all,