[This post is dedicated to all the brave men and women brought to this page by a google search on the terms "emily+maitlis+boobies+hold-ups". For your courage, we salute you....]
BBC executives were steeling themselves for an angry backlash from the government and the security forces when it emerged late last night that prominent BBC employee and sex symbol Emily Maitlis may well have had al-Quaida connections and been closely involved with the events of September 11, 2001. Whilst there is still some uncertainty as to her exact role within the organization masterminded by the Saudi dissident Osama bin Laden, senior Beeb Human Resources managers are piecing together a trail of seemingly unconnected developments which appear to coalesce on 9/11 and place Maitlis at the heart of the terrible events of that day.
Maitlis: "supercool news journalist..."
The dazzling blonde London Tonight presenter was brought in from Sky News where she'd anchored key national and international events. However, a closer look at the sexy anchor's resume suggested to police investigating a possible British role in the 2001 terror attacks that a trail of disaster seemed to follow the leggy lovely wherever she went. Whilst at Sky, willowy Maitliss had covered the disastrous US presidential elections of 2000, the fall of Belgrade, the Afghan hostage crisis, the Concorde crash, various Mandelson resignations and the Tory leadership race. As if that litany of disaster, catastrophe and pompous arses was not enough, BBC executives revealed that Maitlis had taken up her new post with the BBC in September 2001 - EXACTLY THE SAME MONTH as crazed suicide bombers flew hijacked planes into the twin towers of the World Trade Centre and the Pentagon and changed the world forever.
Maitlis: "urbane, focussed anchor - charming presenter...."
"This is such a terrible, terrible shame. Emily's always seemed such a smasher", said a Corporation spokesman, "but if all this is true and she has converted to being a suicidal lunatic jihadist poised to bring terror and chaos to the heart of the Capital at a moment's notice, then obviously she'll have to go. We can't have nutcases like her walking freely through the corridors of Broadcasting House in her veil and modest attire that could be concealing a whole panoply of weapons grade plutonium primed to blast the City to smithereens. It's bad enough that they can pillock around on the street with all those signs saying "Behead the evil west" and "Don't touch my wives or I'll garrotte you, you infidel scumbag" and so on, without putting the fear of God up the cast and crew of My Family.
Maitlis: "cold-hearted killing machine, primed to go up taking half of Cheapside with her..."
The BBC have promised to announce the results of an independent enquiry into the matter and will abide by the decision. (Unless Alistair Campbell or someone decides that the Beeb needs to abase itself further, in which case the Corporation will be publicly humiliated and neutered until it promises not to say anything nasty about the Government ever again....)
London Tonight is on BBC1 at 6.30pm, Monday to Friday.
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