Tuesday, 7 March 2006
Linda Barker Feared Missing - Exclusive!!
Fears are mounting that former Changing Rooms presenter and DFS advert star Linda has gone missing. The once ubiquitous TV glamour girl has not been seen on a TV screen for several months, fuelling suspicions that she may have been kidnapped or, in the worst case scenario, fallen down the back of one of the shoddy sofas she has urged millions to buy.
A gratuitous Anna Ryder Richardson in the processes of hoovering up her Changing Rooms co-presenter, Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen...
Linda was last seen on British Television in an advert for electronic goods giant Currys 4 months ago. The sexy DIY expert came to national prominence when she won the Reality quiz show I'm a Celebrity, get me out of here! and her success in the jungle-based survival contest led to a stream of TV work, principally advertising crappy sofas and duff hi-fi gear. Although it is not unusual for television stars to take a sabbatical from our screens, not many are renowned for spending much of their careers perching precariously on the edges of shiny leather sofas. If the nightmare scenario turns out to be correct, it is possible that the scrumptious TV icon may have been trapped in a cramped and uncomfortable space without food or water for some time awaiting rescuers to pull her out, covered in dust balls and melted malteesers covered in hair.
A gratuitous Carol Smillie contemplates the ghastly thought that she may have been breaking wind above Linda Barker's head for the last 5 months...
A spokesman for DFS (Diabolical Fucking Sofas) has called for calm. "We understand people's concern, but there's no need for us to be unduly alarmed. All of our sofas come fitted with a stale sandwich and bottle of Highland Spring water down the back - as standard. Sure, if she has got stuck down there, it's going to be a bloody nightmare pulling her out. But we're sure that Linda's previous experience of surviving in the Australian Bush will stand her in good stead if the rescue effort is hindered by us not being able to get our hands through the gaps in the upholstery. And look on the bright side, things could be worse - at least she hasn't got that Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen down there with her..."
If you you are concerned that Linda Barker may be tucked away down the back of your sofa, the Police have set up an emergency call centre charging premium rates.
Love on y'all,
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises