Thursday, 2 March 2006
Gardeners' Question Time - With Kim Wilde!!!
In a new monthly feature, we ask former diva of eighties synth pop turned glamourous horticulturalist Kim to answer all your gardening questions...
Mr. Demetrius-Gladiator from Blandford Forum writes:
"When Mrs. Demetrius-Gladiator and I are practicing intercourse en plein air, we tend to use an old tartan rug bequeathed us by the late Mrs. Demetrius-Gladiator senior as a ground covering in order to prevent unsightly grass stains and, in particularly muddy terrain, skidmarks from disfiguring our clothing. These can be particularly embarrassing as Mrs. D-G tends to lean towards the gossamer in her choice of undergarmentry - a soiled brief of scant opacity being the last thing one would wish to present to a classroom full of eagle-eyed children with special educational needs as one bends down in front of them to pick up a cunningly dispatched paper airplane from the classroom floor. However, whilst the blanket proves to be highly efficacious in terms of protecting see-through smalls from the ravages of the earthy English outdoors, it is becoming an increasingly irksome task to wash the blessed thing - especially as Mrs. D-G has entered a particularly prolific phase of her menopausal cycle and has been demanding open-air maintenance on an almost half-hourly basis. Can you recommend a more durable form of groundsheet, preferably one combining low maintenance with high durability and spiked sole resistance?"
"Well Mr. D-G, I can indeed recommend an alternative - although it's not a groundsheet. Mr. Wilde and I swear by a sex swing. They are particularly pleasant of a barmy summer evening, but they can also function as a useful outdoor sex location all year round. Just hop on and then ask Mrs. D-G to don a pair of my patented "Garden Tool Collection" gussetless pantyhose and pipe her on board! You'll never have to launder a ground sheet again! And don't forget that a few cunningly arranged creepers can help your swing double as an elegant pergola - an ideal shady spot for that post-coital pregnancy test and vapour rub! Happy swinging!"
Love on y'all,
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