A lot of our mail recently has come from people new to the blogging game. These rookies have been out in their droves of late, all wet behind the ears and eager to learn a few tips from an established and venerable weblog in order to improve their hit rating and add to the punch of their product in the ultra competitive jungle that is the blogosphere. Don't ask me how come we've been receiving Patroclus' post in our mailbox, but we thought, "dang it to hell, let's give 'em a few pointers to get 'em started in any case!" So, here's the Robert Swipe Show guide to how to write a blog post. Jees, you guys'll be as good as us by the time we're through with you!
1. Template. The popularity of your blog has less to do with your writing than you might think. It's mainly about the quality of your smut. Fact: smut sells. You can be the best writer in the world, but if you don't make even a token gesture towards the pervs out there googling "Tanya+Beckett+Pregnant+Sex+Romp+with dwarves+ it won't mean diddly. Garters, thongs, bodices, chunky soled dominatrix boots - heck, I've worn the most peculiar things when I've been posting. But it don't mean a thing if it ain't on the screen!!
Beckett: "...now you're sure you know the drill if my waters break, Stumpy???"
2. Paragraphs. No, we didn't know what these were either. Apparantly, no one will read a huge, unbroken chunk of text unless they really, really love you. So, unless your name is Rowan Pelling or you have an arrangement to meet a tall man dressed in latex wearing a 20 denier stocking over his head in the alley behind St. Pancras station every Thursday at 6.30, for the love of God leave some space! White space is really, really important - as is a good pair of thermals if you're planning on spending most of your Thursday evening on cold concrete with a marrow between your thighs....
3. Opening sentence. Someone coming to your blog for the first time will make a split-second decision to keep reading based almost entirely on the first sentence they read. It's really your call. If you genuinely think "I've had a cunt of a day and you're all bastards" will do the trick......
4. Personality. Your blog is all about you, however much you might pretend it isn't. A completely blank screen beneath the word "whatever"....there's only so much we can do to help you, you know...
5. Comments. If your blog is anything like ours, this is where all the best stuff happens, so have fun with your commenters. And if there are things you need to get off your chest that won't fit into a small comment box and you feel you need to discuss things face to face with someone pretending to be a trained mental healthcare professional, you know where to find me every Thursday at around 6.30 - just make sure to bring your own marrow!
7. Spelling and grammar. More important than you might think. How's anyone going to find that "Michal+Hussein+Pregnant+Sex+Romp+With dwarves" post if you can't even spell her name right?? It's M-I-S-H-A-L dang it!!
8. What happened to 6? Honestly, this is no way to attract a major global publishing giant...
9. Content. Doesn't matter. Just put up any old shit. I know I do.
Love on y'all,
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises