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Monday, 13 March 2006

"Damaged" Sir Ian Blair in Last Minute "Shoot to Kill" Policy Climbdown - Exclusive!!!!


Metropolitan Police Chief Sir Ian Blair (no relation) is today fighting to save his job as his much derided shoot to kill policy remained under scrutiny and further telephone recordings made by Britain's most senior policeman came to light.

Sir Ian has been much criticised for his role in the tragic death of Brazilian Jean Charles de Menezes last year and the recent revelation that he had also been recording telephone conversations he'd shared with the Attorney General have only increased the pressure on the embattled senior copper. However, there were signs today that Sir Ian was beginning to fight back in the battle to preserve his good name and professional standing. "Ian's a wily old bird and a great politician. They won't get rid of him without a fight, believe me - probably one culminating in him being wrestled to the floor and dispatched through the bonce 8 or 9 times, if past performance is anything to go by!", said a spokesman for the Met - although we hadn't. Asked him, that is. The spokesman continued, "all this fuss over a couple of phone taps - can you believe it? I mean, he's only being prudent. After all, would you trust the Attorney General as far as you could spit him through a straw? I certainly wouldn't. Tape everything, I say - and if the wankers try to give you anything with a signature on it, it's not worth the paper it's written on. Besides, we wouldn't even be in this mess in the first place if it hadn't have been for those lying New Labor bastards taking us to war over a load of made up old codswallop", said the clearly emotional aide. "Lying cunts", he concluded.

In a new twist to the saga, secret recordings of high level strategy meetings, made by Sir Ian and leeked by someone trying to set him up, have revealed an audacious new development in "The Global War Against Terror". The tapes suggest a change of tack in the way British police are prepared to deal with suicide bombers on the British mainland. The Met are considering a range of methods aimed at disarming would-be terrorists short of the infamous "shoot to kill option". In one highly bold move, armed police will be liaising with members of America's Women's Wrestling community in order to attempt to defuse potentially hazardous bombing situations. "If there's one thing designed to throw your budding jihadist suicide bomber, it's a scantily clad dolly bird in thigh high boots and a see-through body stocking flinging herself at you like a crazed harpy", argued a senior police strategist caught on tape by Sir Ian. "Your Islamic extremist has a highly idiosyncratic view of womanhood preferring his female specimen to be meek and mild mannered and preferably covered from head to foot, sarge. We feel the use of these saucy para-wrestlers could really pose a lot of questions in the mind of the potential self-immolator - such as, 'is it worth forgoing the pleasures of the flesh on earth in the hope of a promised reward of three or four score virgins in paradise?' Or, 'shit, are thoose boobies for real? Fuckin' Ada - they're half the size of Kazakhstan!"

Wrestlers such as Leia Meow aka Kristina Laum

- seen here in a mock-up session,

"neutralising" a man disquised as an Islamic extremist bent upon murdering innocent people in the name of establishing a world wide Caliphate based on compassion, humility and peace - will be joined by prominent Wrestling Valet Melissa "Missy" Hiatt

with whom she once famously fell out...

Leila's claws came out and the fur really started to fly when Missy won the Wrestling Babe of the year contest ahead of Ms. Meow, despite Ms. Hiatt not even having been entered in the competition - RIIIIAAAAAOOOOOOWWWW!!

Police chiefs are hoping that the two wrestling vixens can be trusted to engage with the enemies of freedom rather than tearing lumps out of each other's elegantly coiffeured hair and clawing whacking great ladders all over their arresting lycra body suits.

The Klimaszewski twins

Elaine and Diane, have been entrusted with the task of keeping their wrestling buddies hands off each other and on the throats of crazed young British-born jihadists.

Love on y'all,


© 2006 Swipe Enterprises

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