In the first of a new series of beginners' guides, we give you the who and what to whack one off to in the various performing arts!!
This week: Opera!
The common perception of opera is that it is a load of old cobblers warbled at great volume in incomprehensible Italian gibberish by old battleaxes who look like this
and by and large, that tends to be the case.
However, in recent years, a younger generation of eminently arousing young singers have entered the fray and there is a range of nubile young sex playthings to satisfy even the most discriminating of onanists.
Charlotte Church is an excellent example.
She may have a voice that can curdle milk from a dozen paces, but a quick shifty at the Welsh songstress togged up like Sally Bowles in Cabaret is enough to have you spurting into the cornices like an over-pressurised garden hose.
We may never be able to forgive the Germans for the last two world wars and a variety of football related national traumas
(or all that bloody Wagner, for that matter) but we will always be eternally in debt to the teutonic meister volk for producing the lovely Ute Lemper.
If you played me ahundred of her records back to back, I wouldn't know if it was her or a severely scalded coyote baying into the night, but you could set your watch to the frequent low moans emanating from the Swipe chambre as your humble scribe spills yet another load of proteinous fluid onto a glossy image of Westphalia's finest male impersonator!
© 2006 Swipe Enterprises