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Wednesday, 24 August 2005

Cack-handed b******s complain of "alienation"

Yo Swipesters!

News today in a leaked Home Office report typed up by Hazel Bleeeeuuurrrggggghhhhs, suggests that there is increasing alienation and militancy within Britain's left-handed minority. The report identifies several areas of concern within the left-handed community, which is estimated to make up around 12% of the population, some 6-7 million people, depending upon how many illegal aliens you include in the population count:

1) There are are more right-handed people than left-handed and this tends to generate feelings of isolation and a feeling of being "overwhelmingly outnumbered" in some, though still fortunately a minortity, of more extreme left-handed people.

2) Doors, scissors, musical instruments and a whole host of other everyday implements and tools are by and large designed with the right-handed majority in mind. This has helped to create a feeling that society is fundamentally unfair and discriminates against the left-handed.

3) Comments from the majority such as "sort yourself out, yer cack-handed slob" and "southpaw arse bandits" are frequently levelled at innocent left-handed people and this is breeding an atmosphere of resentment and anger - especially among young lefties who have even been referred to as "shitty handed arsewipes". This is believed to be a derivation from the French term for the cack-handed, main de merde. There are fears that the relationship between the left and right handed may soon become as bad as it is in France where the left-handed frequently endure tortures such as having their 'good' hand tied behind their backs before being burned at the stake.

Though still not quite reaching French levels of awfulness, the situation has got so bad in some areas of the country that young lefties are threatening to take the law into their own, persumably left, hand. A spokesman for the Association of Serious-minded Left-handed People said, "We are a peaceful movement but, quite frankly, the time has come to stop all this and fist it up the back passages of these b******s calling us shit-handed kerb-crawlers. We would much prefer to use peaceful aims to reach our goal of converting the whole of Europe to left-handedness by the year 2012. But in the current climate, we are becoming more and more desperate and it's only a matter of time before something big goes off and we snap. This is not a threat or anything, but you lot will soon find out that you get a lot better at using your left hands after we've chopped the other one off.."

In response to this worrying situation, the Home Office has set up a special task force and has already brought forward plans to change all doorknobs in the UK's public buildings so that they are easier to open from the left than the right. There are also moves at hand (although which has not yet been revealed) to make left-hand drive cars compulsory by 2009. It will also be an offence to say to someone, "why don't you give it a rest you shit-handed c**t - although it will still be permissable to beat them repeatedly with sticks and keep them imprisoned for years without charge before deproting them - or even deporting them - to a state known to be a serial human rights abuser.

In answer to suggestions that the Home Office is full of lame brained t*ss**s who don't know what the f**k they're doing, a spokesman said, "this has all been taken out of context. We are just trying to apply sensible measures in order to stop a few hotheads from hurting innocent people. Obviously part of this involves acceding to their every demand as if the rest of society doesn't count, but to suggest - as some have - that it's akin to introducing Sharia law because a small proportion of the country's 1 million Muslims are unhappy living in a free society, is absolute Tommy-rot!"

In a completely unrelated development, Home Secretary, Charles Clarke and Minister Hazel Bleuuuurrrggghhs are set to reprise their roles as Hattie and Corky in a filmed version of acclaimed West End version of Sykes. The part of Sykes will be taken by Michael Fabricant who replaces the star of the original stage production, the late Eric Heffer.

RE: yesterday's post. Well, Rock Mother is putting the rest of you to shame, as usual. An excellent selection - thanks babe!:

roncid - any man called Ron that smells bad

sluttern - well, the same as slattern but a bit more disgusting

expadiency - a really quick way of chucking your pad around in meetings when you are cross or want to make a point or just simply want to get things done

tramphone - a phone that can be used on a tram of course

calonic - a healthy calorie burning colonic

toble - a common piece of furniture fashioned to resemble Tobermory from cult kids tv animation The Wombles

OK, I'm outta here,

Love on y'all,


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