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Tuesday, 9 August 2005

Carol Kirkwood: a national disgrace!

Heavy hearted hellos Swipesters,

Why the crinkly mouth? Well, news is filtering in from over the pond that Radical Meteorologist/early morning sex kitten Carol Kirkwood faces expulsion from Britain. Under new Sharia-type laws imposed by Prime Minister Blaaaarrgggghh, Ms. Kirkwood was smuggled onto the Tarmac at Gatwick airport in the early hours of this morning. Her head covered and walking a respectful distance behind two members of the constabulary, she was ushered to a waiting plane and, once on board, securely handcuffed to a business class seat. Police were unable to confirm her destination, although she is believed to have been returned to her native Inverness-shire where she will be held under house arrest, quite possibly in a very large box, awaiting removal to an unconfirmed Islamic Republic currently occupied by British and American troops. It has emerged that Kirkwood's arrest was prompted by a series of mildly flirtatious exchanges with BBC Breakfast presenter, Bill Turnbull. This unseemliness was compounded by Ms. Kirkwood's attire - a salmon pink trenchcoat (yes, quite)- and the lewd absence of a veil. Her generally perky and provocative demeanour could not possibly be construed as anything other than gross indecency - especially within the context of an early morning weather bulletin which may be witnessed by young children and several retarded adults. Turnbull, who is married with three children and supports Wycombe Wanderers, has denied that the two were engaged in an affair, saying "Carol Kirkwood and I are not, repeat not, having an affair. Now piss off". But his comments that "Carol's a smashing, bubbly lass and I have a lot of time for her" have done nothing to pour water on the rumours that the two have been engaged in an elicit affair for the past 10 years which has involved a number of perverted acts and a welter of obscene sex aids. Should this prove to be the case, Kirkwood could be punishable by the ultimate penalty - being buried in sand and having stones rained onto her skull until she dies of a rock-induced brain battering - although the doubts surrounding her offence may see this commuted to a severe flogging - under harsh new measures introduced by Premier Bllaaaaauuuuurrggghhh-ck-ck. These have been rapidly introduced by edict in the absence of Parliamentary democracy/interest and represent an attempt to mollify the increasingly militant wing within his own party. Senior New Labour figures like David Bllluuurrgghhhhnkett and Jack Sreuuthmyarse-aw feel that the recent security clampdown has not gone far enough and are pushing for a series of dawn raids aimed at flushing out other known Radicals such as Helen Willetts, Isobel Lang and Penny Tranter. Speaking from his Presidential Bunker, President Barf attempted to reassure Ms. Kirkwood's anxious family:

"Men are the maintainers of women because Allah has made some of them to excel others and because they spend out of their property; the good women are therefore obedient, guarding the unseen as Allah has guarded; and (as to) those on whose part you fear desertion, admonish them, and leave them alone in the sleeping-places and beat them; then if they obey you, do not seek a way against them."

Meanwhile, in an unrelated incident, Television presenter Richard Madeley has had his right hand removed at the wrist following further allegations of shoplifting.

Kaplinsky watch: No 130 Tuesday, 9th August

Attire: Linen-belt-wrap-type-thing (stretch pants?)

Shoes: (?) The Big Slipper?

Hair: 5.8 on the PCMS (Post-coital/Mussing Scale)

Eyes: Almonds under lids - Last night's motto: "no-sleep-'til-Carlisle".

Demeanour: Bored shitless

Smile effort estimate: 6.3 % Factor in Raworth envy rating of 7.8 = Seriously insincere.

Kaplinsky watch is a non-profit organisation which aims to outlaw this degrading, barbaric and pointless sport.

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