Have you had sex in the past 24 hours?
Just to clarify: does "self-love" count??
Are you gay?
Yes. Bordering on the downright jolly, if you must know...
Do you have hairy legs?
Only when I go a couple of days without shaving. Well, anyone who can take a 10 denier every day deserves a bloody medal..
Do you like monkeys?
Only when they're not being experimented on....
How many fillings do you have?
Well, the veggie thing is obviously a limiting factor. Including the spinach and ricotta, I'd have to say about 38 or so...
Would you rather swim in the ocean or a lake?
Ocean every time. Unless it's Veronica we're talking about, in which case things get a bit complicated - she is dead, isn't she???
Have you ever licked one of those square batteries?
Uh-huh.
Have you ever read the Bible?
Yes. I found it rather stretched one's credulity at times. Great plot though, isn't it?
Did you ever go to Sunday School?
Yes. They made us read comics with Cliff Richard cartoon strips in and even my zealously religious mother banned me from ever going again. See, Cliff never lost the rebel thing after all - he's trying to bring the system down from within. You wait - the pics of Blair licking the contents of Sir C's colostemy bag will come out and we'll finally get the Tory government we deserve.....
Do you wear a lot of black?
Only around my eyes. You won't be laughing when the Shakespeare's Sister revival reaches middle England. You Johnny-come-layelys you...
Did you ever bring a weapon to school?
Not really. The Trident system had a lot going for it - huge destructive power and collosal propaganda value - but it was, to be frank, a bit of a nuisance to store in a tuck box behind the bike sheds at Orleans Park School for Dangerously Fecund Young Ladies...
Have you ever hugged a tree?
Ho ho ho - you're not catching me out like that young fellow me lad!!
Do you know what a sphincter actually is?
Of course. It's a woman who's given up all hope of getting hitched. I'm in love with one as a matter of fact. Never met her, but I've got a hunch she can make tattie bread to die for and can't pronounce her vowels properly.....dang it! These were fresh on this morning.....Oh, sphincter...!??
Describe your hair?
Bald.
Are you a wildbeast?
Yes. Especially when trees are concerned.......shit, shit shit shit - you bastard, you wangled it out of me in the end!!!!!
Do you like to have fun?
Most certainly - in an ironic, Iggy Pop, "all aboard for funtime" sort of way....
Do you like drama?
Yes, I suppose so - in a "the BBC's had a lot of Shakespeare on recently, but you can't beat this for drama" Sid Waddell commentating on the darts sort of way.
Have you ever taken a bong hit?
Listen - some of the stuff that went down in 'nam - they don't call me No-Arms Bob for nothing you know. And the cockrot probably stems from that tour of duty too. In fact, my bong was about the only thing the damn gooks didn't hit....
Do you like mayonnaise?
Yes - as I'm repeatedly telling S. "salad cream is soooooo common!!!"
Are you afraid to die?
Nope. Afraid of others dying, but as Tom Waits asks - who puts flowers on a flowers grave?
Do you like playing in leaves?
Yes - so long as they're A4...
Have you ever peed your pants as an adult?
Not as often as I've shat them.
Have you ever thrown up on somebody as an adult?
Not unless I've had my tongue down their throat at the time. And the last time that happened was probably before I was an adult....
Are you an adult?
Only in a spiritual sense...
Ever won a spelling bee?
No, the one I won was useless. Kept typing their when it meant they're and so on. Huge sigh of relief all round when the cunt finally buzzed off, if you must know....
Do you ever eat because you’re depressed?
No, I get depressed because I eat. I also get depressed because I drink. And sleep. And watch Celebrity Love Island. And because Cheslea are going to win the league in perpetuity. Christ - what's with the probing questions? I was quite perky until I started all this bollocks...
Are you a television addict?
Erm....yes - that's why I'm filling this stupid bastard meme out when I could be watching Eastenders Revealed......
Do you think OJ was guilty?
No. He was an actor.
Do you enjoy spending time with your mother?
My late Mother? Yes, we commune occasionally. The weird thing is, they don't actually go all that far - you start realising how little of what you thought was you is actually an autonomous being. yOU ARE, FOR BETTER OR WORSE, IN LARGE PART AN AMALGAM OF YOUR PARENTS AFTER ALL (Sorry - that's not meant to be shouty - I've just uncorked bottle #4....
Have you ever had sex in a hot tub?
Nope.
On a swing?
Nope In several graveyards, but never on a swing.
Do you like Elvis?
Does the Pope shit in the woods??
Do you enjoy watching animals “do it” on the Discovery channel?
If I knew what "it" was, I could answer...
Ever been hit on at a zoo?
Yes. By a tree.
Have you ever had sex with a total stranger?
Yes. In Prague. Which is odd - because I've never been to Prague....
Do you enjoy the calming effects of turkeys?
(...) [Brian Damge fans' in-joke there...]
Does your mom think someone is hot?
I refer the Right Hon. Gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago...
Are you a sugar freak? (...)
Ever been arrested?
Yes. It was a fair cop, mind. I was bang to rights. But society's to blame...
Ever commit a crime and get away with it?
Just the odd one against humanity. But if Tony's not going to be called to account for his, i don't see why I should....
Do you like orange juice?
They went down hill after they left Postcard Records, I felt...
What sign are you?
o' the times, of course. We could call him Nate..(if it's a boy...)
Ever do the party boy dance in front of the elderly?
Christ - were these questions compiled by a total retard??Where do you wish you were right now?
Not answering these poxy questions for a kick off..
Did you enjoy this? I refer the Right Hon. Gentleman to the answer I gave some moments ago...
Thanks to The Billster for making me waste a whole evening on this when I could have been watching Eastenders Revealed......
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