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Tuesday, 1 August 2006

Finger(less) Bob...

Well, it's my thumb actually. The tip of the right one scythed off by a stiletto of UPVC window frame as I attempted to dislodge some of the six year accumultation of grime with a windolene wet wipe. "Well, if you will leave things like that unattended for six years...", S. cooed sympathetically as a I attempted to staunch the geyser of blood tinted alcohol spurting from my damaged digit in trademark Warner Brothers cartoon style. Still, at least it wasn't the "that's Jesus punishing you, that is..." (Jesus pronounced without the 's' at the end, as if in a hymn that Aled Jones is about to sing... - one of her Dad's gags) I can usually expect when some painful bodily misfortune is visited upon me - be it cockrot, stubbed toe, whooping cough or whatever. But maybe it is? (Jesu punishing me, that is.)

After all, don't I myself let out a little grin full of karmic smugness as I notice the sign in the window of the Oxfam shop in Twickenham that says "closed due to massive internal flood damage". You had it coming, you bastards, I internalise, looking heavenward and winking. In fact, I'm still chuckling as I picture the copters and food lorries in deepest sub-Saharan Africa powering up, heavily sun-screened Tanzanians donning their 70s style sunglasses and striking up their Lucky Strikes as the convoy of aid relief for the poor, innocent victims - those blameless charity shop volunteers of West London - whirrs into action. (£7-bloody-99 for an unplayably scratched Drifters LP? As our mate Ange would say in a Brum voice heavy with indignation, "They're robbers, that lot....")

So, there you have it - hot on from yesterday's Rapture Ready post, the stark truth of it. Forget Instant Karma - this is an Old Testament deity we're dealing with here. One step out of line and you'll be unable to hold a pen, box up your record deck (four bloody hours it took - four bloody hours!!) without it getting caked in your own finger sauce - and I haven't even tried to pull one off with this poxy plaster on - I've got enough problems down there without ripping through a penile artery with a razor sharp edge of elastoplast...) And what's more, you won't be able to wipe your arse for a week (well, you will but only by using the left hand - better be careful or you'll have the other once whipped off by the bloody Muslims if you're not careful...)

So, the moral is simple - whatever you do, don't remove Betty from your links...Jesu's punishment awaits those poor fools who do - and it bloody hurts!

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