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Tuesday, 29 August 2006

Old-style Bob Post...

BBC Breakfast News:

Age Concern reports that 9/10 NHS nurses don't have time to feed those among their drool and piss riddled elderly charges who have difficulty eating and digesting their food, so they are needlessly dying in large numbers. Several of these Larkinesque 'old fools' have, on having popped their clogs been dissected, revealing them to have empty bowels congruent with the new all caring and patient-centred NHS starvation diet ("your painless 1 step route to weight loss and slow, bowel shrivelling termination...") So, be warned Swipesters - come our day, only those of us still able to fork a soupcon of that Third World size portion of macrobiotic rice into our dry and muscleless cakeholes will stand any chance at all of making it past reception, never mind the ward sister. Still, as always there's a silver lining to every cloud. At least it does free up a bed for someone else to perish in.

A visibly shocked and Egyptian pendant dedecked Kate Silverton weighs into the hapless Health Minister. "Old tossers are QUITE LITERALLY dying without any SHIT inside them - it's a NATIONAL DISGRACE and nothing short of SCANDALOUS!!!

I miss the rest of the argument, staring entranced and lovelorn at Caroline Flint's scandalously gorgeous, ripe, untramelled boobies.

She's *far* too fit to be a politician....

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  1. A bit of sound advice (apparently):-

    If ever you're laid up in a hospital bed, demand kosher food. The rabbi brings it in fresh and hot and I'm sure he'd make sure you'd eat every bit.

    Probably best to write an open letter while you're still lucid. I did mine in 2003.

  2. Ooh totally unrelated but you've added me to your blogroll you little sweetie pie and you were so coy about it.

    Still having problems with your pods, I think I'm up to 5 but switchpod hates me, boo hiss.

    Btw - young Bob - I would!

  3. Geoff - good idea, if it weren't for the fact that unfortunately the lucidity bit is also a problem in the here and now.

  4. I think hospitals are truly frightening places. Recently I was in one and I was sitting next to this poor old guy in a bed and he was in there for heart trouble....suddenly he started having a heart attack and no-one noticed! It was really horrible. I just had to run over to the nurse and say, 'EXCUSE ME! HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK!' and they just went, 'Oh' and nonchalantly sauntered over...ARRRRRRGH!

    And then...there was this other bloke...he had, had a couple of toes removed...and he was complaining that he couldn't walk straight and the matron just looked at his foot and STOOD ON IT!!! And then said, 'It's because you've not got it flat!' in that harsh, horrible way that the Nurse in 'One flew over' could only do convincingly. It was horrific. He just screamed. I remember his little face telling me, 'Born in Greenwich, live in Sidcup' - it was enough to break your heart. Thank God he didn't really know what was going on.

    I don't ever want to get ill. It's really scary. Having said that...there are some good hospitals and nurses out there. Don't want to tarnish them all with the same brush.

  5. There's a Tory MP called Julie Kirkbride and hers are even better than Caroline Flint's.

  6. *tries to think of old-style comment*



    Caroline Flint?

    I would.

  7. Struth - I thought that was Anna Ford c. 1975! If I was a bloke I would too.

  8. Me'n'Flatmate have arranged to put pillows over one another's faces when the time comes.

    But I've just been fannying around on Library Thing all night and remembered what happens in Ian McEwan's Amsterdam.

    Must remember never to piss her off.

  9. Bob!

    You're back! thank God!

    Some other miserable blogger has hijacked your column while you were on your summer hols and posted up all this miserable/serious/touchy-feely stuff, well I mean zzzz innit?

    either that or you went all Woody Allen Manhattan on us, doing his Ingmar Bergkamp know, refusing to fly to away premieres and all that...

    So hurrah for the Purple Rose of Cairo and more about newsreaders lingerie from now on.

    Young Bob? well I though we did...or was that just a gub in your pocket?

  10. Hold on a mo...she's quite dishy. Who are these people? Tim:- Tory MPs? What's going on? I don't watch TV much these days (ie never) - am i missing out on something? Am i missing out on ..."ripe, untramelled"...something or other? Untramelled?!!

  11. Well I for one wouldn't, Bob.

    My other 'arf has installed spyware so I have to watch what I type.

  12. I love the touchy feely posts. They make me come over all 'un-necessary'

  13. I'd also like to say that I quite fancy that woman...and I'm a woman too.

  14. I'd just like to give you permission to look at my gorgeous boobs if you like Bob.

  15. (Bob locks himself in the toilet with his slightly-soiled copy of Hansard.)

  16. Thanks Cazza - I meant what I said. They really are toop bazoomers and they are wasted straining away behind the dowdy blouse of a politician...

    Have you considered lap dancing?

  17. Just heard Caroline Flint on the radio. She mentioned you, Bob.

  18. See?

    New Labour -

    No fucking discretion.

    I bet she blabbed how much I paid her too. (Extra twenty notes to swallow - can you believe that? Mind you, Oona King* wants &40 and demands a muffler, so I shouldn't quibble...)

    Come back Virginia Bottomley - all is forgiven...

    *Be great if she was an Aresnal fan, wouldn't it?

  19. I've put my Peek-a-boo bra on just for you Bob.

    It's under my Arsenal Football kit darling, gorgeous boy you are.