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Thursday, 1 March 2007

The Ever Popular Tortured Artist Effect...





It is torture though, even if the "ever-popular" bit is ironic. I don't know, maybe I'm just one of those driven people - driven by the knowledge that happiness is unattainable or just plain *incapable* of being happy for long - but it just seems like one step forward and two back at the moment. Why can't I just be *happy* about the really nice things that a small, but slowly expanding, group of people are consistently saying about my work? It should be enough - especially as I have realised recently that it's much better to try to build up an audience more patiently, sharing a rapport with them, discussing the work/life in general/building these weird cyber-relationshiops we now all seem to have instead of RSIing myself into a thousand ignored emails/comments/bulletins etc. It should be enough, but it isn't, if I'm honest.

I dunno, maybe you need that sort of thing to keep striving, to fuel the work, stretch the rubber band that will catapault you....where, exactly? Fame? Awards? Success? Or perhaps, as Eliot wouyld have it, a different kind of failure...?

Trying to use words, and every attempt
Is a wholy new start, and a different kind of failure
Because one has only learnt to get the better of words
For the thing one no longer has to say, or the way in which
One is no longer disposed to say it.
And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate,
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling,
Undisciplined squads of emotion.


"A raid on the inarticulate". Yep, that sounds about right.

Perhaps it's the nature of the beast, to be dissatisfied with one's lot, to yearn for more and feel short changed even by the sincerest, most wonderfully heartfelt praise and encouragement.

"What makes most people happy leads us headlong into harm..."

It's just that it feels like a curse at times

L.U.V. on y'all,

Bob


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© 2007 Swipe Enterprises

Nasir Versus Wilson...

Competition, competition...is there no end to it?

Fresh from the Arsenal's ejection from the FA cup at the hands of a Benni McCarthy wondergoal, I awoke braced for the latest bout in the long-running war between the BBC and ITV. In a cynical and highly controversial ratings battle, the two behemoths of British broadcasting have upped the ante somewhat by pitching to the lowest possible common denominator in a pointless piece of eyeball-to-eyeball schedule brinksmanship. It's all very well, but, really who wins in the long run? And who will blink first?



Of course, it's one thing putting Eastenders and Coronation Street up against one another, I can accept that. But who on *earth* is responsible for coinciding Clare Nasir's Fall-inspired ("the-ur weather-ur system-ur is currently-ur over-ur the-ur Atlantic-ur..") weather broadcasts with Jules Wilson's BBC London traffic bulletins? Does the person responsible have any idea what sort of early-morning, half-befuddled decision-making crises they are causing across the land with this pathetic piece of broadcast madness? I mean, what does a decent man do? Does one wade through the interminable adverts for Farley's rusks and Bodyform sanitary appliances in the vain hope that the pert and perky Clare will be

a) wearing a skirt whose hem is at least a few inches off the studio floor

(and if so)

b) not being filmed by prudish Presbytarian cameraman who insists on her being shot as if she were Elvis Presley gyrating wildly on the Ed Sullivan show c. 1956.




Or do we settle for a briefer glimpse of the slightly more minging (although still admirably put together) charms of BBC London travel's far more reliably slatternly presenter Jules Wilson?

But this morning - joy of joys! - there seems to have emerged a fragile detente. Opting - as increasingly is my wont - to endure the adverts to behold the in increasingly obliging Nasir (the skirts are getting shorter, the colletage more de with each week that passes...), there she was in what appeared to be a sombre, navy blue half-open-from-the-waist-down dressing gown type arrangement, both her svelte legs appearing every now and then from between the gaping gap as she cantered and gambolled playfully across the screen from the Cornish riviera to her native Essex Estuary. On a whim, I flicked over expecting to find JW already seated, the camera austerely pinned to her (admittedly rivetting) upper torso. But no, there was Matt Barbet, drizzling on about some Oyster card related farago or other. Fair dos, I figured - can't win 'em all.

Imagine then, my intense pleasure when MB handed over to a barely clad JW, her ample Amazonian thighs bared to the knicker elastic by an even briefer, open dressing gown type arrangement than even the lovely Clare's. It was brief, but beautiful. The gloves are evidently off in this one, but thank heaven that good sense has finally prevailed and the two are being sensibly staggered so that those of us who appreciate the charms of both are not forced to suffer more than we have already in this *ridiculous* ratings war. If the girls are going to be forced to outdo one another in donning ridiculously inappropriate attire in order to attract desperate, thigh fixated men in their forties to sit through their frequently inane ("brightening-ur up-ur towards-ur the-ur late-ur after-ur-noon-ur.." and pointless "...you don't need a weather[girl] to know which way the wind blows...") broadcasts, at least they will be doing so on a level playing field and we will be able to make our choices having given both a fair crack of the whip.


My thoughts on the likely winner? Well, it's a tough call. Nasir's a true thoroughbred, obviously - barely articulate perhaps, but a joy to behold with the wind in her hair, racing over the flat with the glimpse of the whip. The face of an angel, beautifully proportioned jellies and a pair of pins to die for, she'll take some stopping, handicap not withstanding. At first glance, Wilson's a slightly less promising filly, but get past the heavy jaw and slightly masculine aspect and there's a few good furlongs in those finely turned fetlocks of hers. You'll certainly know there's something between your legs in the final stretch, that's for sure. Beautifully turned out in the paddock, but nonetheless BLABSH, Wilson should stay the course. Give her going that's good to soft and a fairly extensive and well layed tarpaulin and she might even pip her more heavily fancied rival at the post.

Photo finish, if you ask me.

L.U.V. on ya,

Bob





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Tuesday, 27 February 2007

Connections...



L.U.V. on y'all,


Bob





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Prog is Dead...

Another bad weekend for progressives...

Sunday started badly - Hitchens (,C) and Billy Bragg arguing the toss over Saturday's anti-war/Trident march. Bragg far too conciliatory against Hitch's articulate John Self-pro-Bush-bluster, blithered into the age old frustrated lefty failing of trying to talk louder over his already too loud opponent, thus drowning out any meaningful exchange. The most eloquent point in the whole show was made by a banner at the march: Trident = 160,000 nurses. To his credit, Hitchens is in for a penny/pound on the Iraq thing, isn't he? I wouldn't want to put a figure on the number of deaths and casualties it would need before he'd even be prepared to concede that perhaps in one or two areas, Bush and Blair might have gone about the whole thing slightly differently. We'd be somewhere between Hitler and Stalin numbers I reckon. You really have to admire intransigence like that, don't you?

Then things got rapidly worse. Started reading this article in Sunday's Obs., finishing it on the way back from Cardiff, where Arsene's youthful, joyous-to-behold young gunners were crushed out of an astonishing (and highly unlikely) victory in the Carling Cup Final by Jose Mourinho's pragmatic, Petro-billion-financed Chelsea. A double shame, as the verve and exhilaration of their play in the first period and for much of the second has been eclipsed somewhat by the more typically Arsenalesque denouement of the game, as the slide rule passes and exquisite movement of the kids' first-half performance ended in a tetchy brawl when cooler, wiser heads may still have salvaged something from the game's lengthy Terry-in-a-coma-provoked stoppage period. Still, this team's time will come soon enough. And at least we got to land a few shiners on the Cheslea scum.

Without over-extending the obvious parallels between the current premiership heirarchy and the new Russia of Putin and the oligarchs, there was the very same sickness to the stomach induced by reading the stark and succinct description of the murder of Anna Politkovskaya as I experience whenever a dubious offside or disallowed goal ensures another Cheslea victory:

She took the tiny elevator up to her flat on the seventh floor and dropped two bags of groceries at the door. Then she went down to fetch the rest of her parcels. When the elevator opened on the ground floor, her killer was waiting. He shot her four times - the first two bullets piercing her heart and lungs, the third shattering her shoulder, with a force that drove Politkovskaya back into the elevator. He then administered what is referred to in Moscow, where contract killings have become routine, as the kontrolnyi vystrel - the control shot. He fired a bullet into her head from inches away. Then he dropped his weapon, a plastic 9mm Makarov pistol whose serial number had been filed away, and slipped into the darkening afternoon.

And before the point I'm trying to make here gets drowned out in a chorus of "how can you possibly equate a football team with a cold-blooded assassin"....Just think on this. Both are at one man's beck and call. Conceivably the same man. No wonder the Russians are drinking themselves to extinction.

In the same paper, Nick Cohen - who variously exhorts either a "sanest man in Britain" or a "wad the f...." from your humble scribe - is strangely muted as he questions the extent to which the web has transformed the globe (here). I don't know whether my own imminent elevation to the blogging equivalent of the mile-high club (100,000 visits, presuming I don't get a call in the night from the King's Road KGB) will make any difference to the way I view it, but I'd have to echo Lennon's claim here that "[we're] still fucking peasants". This of course has nothing to do with my having been

a) splashed by a four-wheel drive as it raced through a puddle earlier today, as I were some 'umble, snivelling costermonger who'd mistakenly got to close to the Lord Mayor's cart.

b) ticked off by Will Hodgkinson for telling him I hoped his record label went bust.

I don't know the first thing about Mr. Hodgkinson other than that he has been given £5,000 (and a regular column/ceaseless free publicity) by the Grauniad in order to start up a record label and that he has been capped several times as a fly half by the RFU. (Typical Grauniad, isn't it? Give a few grand to some rugger bugger to start a label up when there are poor black kids like me struggling to work in the rain, being splashed by Abramovich's KGB stooges in their blacked out window 4 wheel drives....) Anyroad, I sent him a note back saying, words to the effect, that I was releasing my own CD and I didn't need his (or the Guardian's for that matter) poxy money, and while we're on the subject, if he'd asked, I'd have given him £30,000 *not* to start up a record label....etc. etc. etc. You see, this is how things are now - the middle classes don't just want to have their cake and eat it. They want yours too and to slap you in the face as well, just for being so cheeky...

Speaking of Rugby, as we were a few days ago...The one bright spot of the weekend? The marvellous reception extended to the England Rugby team at Croke Park for the highly emotive and symbolic game played there on Saturday. Always nice too to see a good stuffing administered to the rosbifs so beloved of the Green jacketed hordes who regularly make my life a misery, taking over the pubs and streets of Twickenham as if it were Tuscanny, insisiting on watching some Belgian third division Ladies XV while the Arsenal are playing, braying long into the night air before riding back to the Home Counties, innocent children and pets wedged like roadkill between the front bars, mere trophies as they pollute their way back to the Shires. And the Irish were good enough not to make too big a fuss about all the innocents gunned down there on Bloody Sunday too.

So maybe we *have* turned a corner, of sorts...


L.U.V. on ya,

Bob



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Friday, 23 February 2007

Bobcast #26...

...Sweden....California....Venezuela....

There isn't a place on the globe we're not ready to cause offence in..

Get your regular dose of Bobcast here, here and here...


L.U.V. on ya,

Bob



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© 2007 Swipe Enterprises

Bastards Who Hold Work Meetings in Public Places...

Don't you hate them?

You know, as if the corporate world doesn't impinge upon our "free" time enough as it is - all those bibbed, t-shirted graduates trying to get you to sign up for regular donations to some poxy charity at every turn (and while we're on the subject, how much do those b & t-s'd g's have to clear before the poor orphans/crips/underprivileged Romanians/orphaned-crip-underprivieged-Romanian-Africans etc. start getting a slice of the action? Graduates ain't gonna get out of bed for less than 18K P/A are they ? Not even to spend 14 hours a day standing around in the freezing cold waiting for the opportunity to be sniffy when law-abiding citizens try to avoid being collared by them when they invade our personal space on the street). Then there's the adverts on bus tickets. What's the point of those, other than to make any reasonably-minded person decide to give the wares of any company cheapskate enough to advertise on a poxy bus ticket a very wide berth. Claire Nasir's weather forecast on GMTV - "sponsored by Nestle" ffs. And don't get me started on the changing it from Nestles to "Nez-lay". Swiss Bastards. Perhaps if they put the odd fecking nutritional element in their baby milk, there wouldn't be so many under-nourished African kids and we could lose a few of the b and t-s'd g's trying to guilt-bludgeon a wage out of us. Medecins sans Frontiers? Medicins sans Loot if I had my way.

But I digress.

Last night, the fairer half and I were enjoying a lovely aggregation of the choicest Indian food this side of the sub-continent, relishing the tang of the Paneer Tikka, gourmandising on the melts-in-the-mouth Bombay potato and generally having a cosy, quiet time of it with a couple of similarly lovey-dovey couples and the obliging and friendly staff.

All of a sudden, in breeze a handful of business types and before we know what's hit us, we're hearing the quarterly maximisation forecasts for the coming trimester, all bellowed out in that braying, dick waggling tone of the sort of public school wanker who finds their number-crunching/profit obsessed little racket so thoroughly absorbing that it's not even possible for them to take a sip of Perrier water without letting someone (anyone!) in the vicinity know their views on natural wastage in the toboggan-glazing sector.

A good meal spoiled.

Cunts.

L.U.V. on ya,

Bob


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Wednesday, 21 February 2007

Exclusive!!!! Bob's First *Ever* Pop Promo!!!....

...It's arty, it's farty, it's intense, brooding, moody....erm....



Alright, it's me lying in the bath.


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Depression...

Between 1987 and 1994, I went out with someone who suffered from clinical depression - and yes, before you ask, although I no doubt exacerbated the situation considerably, the illness did actually pre-date our relationship. The bouts of depression were (and, very sadly, still are) lengthy, painful and deeply distressing, not only for poor V., but those closest to her. Without revealing too much of someone else's painful personal life, but, equally, not wishing to avoid discussing the painful charactersistics of the illness as I've observed them, the troughs would involve a quite remarkable withdrawal, acute anxiety and a state of fearfulness and paranoia which could lead to the belief that even the most trivial (and unrelated) item on the television news was a direct attack on the depressed person herself. In happier interludes, we used to find wry amusement in the assertions of our friends, common, I imagine, to most sensitive people in their twenties when things aren't going too well, that they were "really depressed". So, having seen V.'s struggles with "the black dog" at close quarters and lost a good friend to depression-induced suicide, I think I know the difference between my own current low and the full frontal assault that is severe, clinical depression.
That said, I can't help but acknowledge the fact that what once seemed a remote and (possibly due to my being absorbed in my own proximity to it) isolated affliction has, over time, become a fairly common experience. Numerous close friends, family members-in-common-law, work colleagues - even your humble scribe - have all at one time or another suffered from what would come under the broad heading of depressive illness, to the extent that those in my close circle who haven't appear now to be in the minority.
So, what's changed? Or is it a time of life thing? Hard to say, but I know my own lows (and that of those closest to me) are largely grief related. Loss has been a big factor. My own experience was directly related to the loss of my mother. Those dark days, spent hoarding all the pent up anger and supressed pain manifest as rage was finally acknowledged by me about a year after Mum's death for for what it was - grief, sadness, depression disguised. But a sense of loss in the broadest sense, not just of people, can be painful in itself and complicate matters - time of life, and so on. Indeed, there can appear to be a snowballing effect, a heightened awareness of the accumulation of time, opportunities, innocence as well as loved ones one has lost over the course of one's life, to the extent that the days take on a very elegiac quality that's quite conducive to mild melancholy.
I stress, again, that there is a marked difference between that quasi-romantic sense and the awful rigours of acute psychosis. I remember reading some sleeve notes written by Sting in which he commented on the falsity of the widely-held assumption that the heart is the physical seat of the emotions. According to Mr. Sumner, it's actually somewhere in the brain. And, for sure, the kind of illness described in the first paragraph *is* as simple as that - a chemical imbalance in the head. I don't know about Sting or anyone else, but I get mine in the solar plexus, and it feels as if someone's been using it as a punchbag. It's where I think of my heart as being, even if that's not anatomically correct.
But it's not all bleak. V. was well read in the field and there can be no denying that she was right about the link between depression and creativity. Beethoven, Van Gogh, Plath, Milligan, Churchill - the list of eminent suffererers whose talents were fed by their depression is long and distinguished. I'm sure it's no accident that my current prolific writing spree has coincided with being on a bit of a downer. And that, I suppose, is where the difference between the Sunday driver, mildly depressed, not feeling so good today Doc folks like me and the in-for-the-long-haul, pale blinds drawn all day, nothing to read, nothing to say lifers is most pronounced. Given the choice between how I am today and my carefree, pre-anti-depressant* self, I'd stick with what I have. Because ultimately, and at the risk of sounding like a Telegraph reader, the best in one's character is usually forged more though hardship and adversity than through lamb-like frolicking. Suffering may make us more fragile, but it also makes us more human. It deepens our souls. But the real deal is no fun at all, believe me. Poor, poor souls.
L.U.V. on y'all,
Bob
*Just to clarify, I mean by this the time before I had cause to take anti-depressants, and not that I still have need of them - please, no flowers, grapes etc...



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There's a new, Nun-eating-Monster Heavy Metal Tune up here for you all to get on down to....
I wrote the chorus when I was about twenty - which just goes to show, the old ones *really* are the best....
L.U.V. on y'all,
Bob



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Tuesday, 6 February 2007

"The Worst Trick God Can Play On You...

...is to make you an artist - only a mediocre one". I'll always remember that quote. It comes from Bowie's epic 1980 NME interview with Angus MacKinnon. Here was an artist not only at the absolute pinnacle of his musical powers - Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps) is a stunning piece of work [how many artists in today's stodgy pop climate could bring so much from the margins of pop culture into the very heart of the mainstream and still sound as daring as that music does], but also still basking in the critical afterglow of his Broadway success in The Elephant Man. So *that's* mediocrity...

To the rest of us mere mortals, it's ultimately encouraging to hear an artist as committed to adventure complaining of the "ball and chain of middle class morality" that's holding him back, or expressing his artistic insecurities with such candour. For younger readers (if there are any of you, indeed, if any of you can *actually* read...) it might be worth having a look at the article linked above, if only for a peak into a world where an organ (and I use the term advisedly) such as NME could function as so confessional a space within the huckstering world of pop promotion. Imagine, for a start, any of today's career-attenuated, 4-wheel-drive worshipping musicians having anything worthwhile to confess in the first place, let alone so public a booth and a confessor with and within which to share it. The NME, like so much of the spikey, bottom-up culture with which I grew up, is long dead now. A less glamourous, less informative, less avidly read Smash Hits for those carefully dishevelled metrosex-rugged indie kids to pose with in their builders crack revealing, ready ripped jeans before their band hitches a Toyota or Vodaphone advert-muzak gig that will save them having to "sell out" by donning a suit to coin it in the city.

But there is hope, I guess, of the featherless, Emily Dickinson/Woody Allen kind. For all the dissing in these quarters, I think the Munterspace arena, if nothing else, allows for the kind of grass roots democracy that we fondly recall of the punk movement. If anything, the way that the download is transforming music consumption could see a revolution within the pop culture that is far more extreme and lasting than punk ever was. Because here, at last, is a means to do away with the big corporations altogether - even the little labels and distributors may ultimately be on their last legs. Because now, *anyone* can build up a following, large and trendseeking (Klaxons, e.g. 2,000,000 visits - many, I'm guessing courtesy of the Grauniad guide cover) or small and devoted* (Your Humble Scribe e.g. - c.9,000 visits in three months or so) and not only have a direct means of advertising their wares/performances etc., but also (if they wish) communicate directly with the people who, in years gone by, would have been huddled around the stage door hoping to feel the hem of their idol's garment.

I think this is a *fabulous* development and whilst the johnny-come-lately, middle class, "our-kids-are-organic-and-biodegradable" toss bags at the Grauniad will *always* latch onto the exciting stuff *just* as it's beginning to lose it's intimacy and freshness and become yawnsville, so there will always be something extraordinary peeping through the soil, dazzling us with it's freshness before the cold hands of the industry and the mass media rip them up and away with them to the hothouse. It's a very exciting time - we could be living through the pop music equivalent of the Gothenburg Press, but, as yet, still blinded as we are by the glare and blare of the meretricious colour supplement charade that passes for critical journalism at the moment you wouldn't know it.

I've rather strayed from my original purpose here somewhat, which was to say how *absolutely* and *totally* demoralised I feel right now, but there has been a catharsis of sorts in the writing of this, so I suppose it's worth carrying on a bit longer...

Reader's (that's singular, btw) choice for tomorrow's post:

a) Johnny Dee is a cunt for not plugging the Swipe Show.

b) Johnny Dee is a cunt for *repeatedly* not plugging the Swipe Show.

c) Johnny Dee is a cunt. He just *is*.

The choice is yours, baggiebird,

L.U.V. on y'all,

Bob


*yes, I am *of* *course* kidding...

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Monday, 5 February 2007

Natalie Would...



And here's the proof....

Well, wouldn't you??


******UPDATE***********

For anyone interested, I've also put a souped up version of the song "Wallis" up on Garageband.com - I'll be posting a few more tracks from the (hopefully) forthcoming LP/CD up there and at indie911 over the next few weeks and I'd be grateful for any comments as I begin to get the finished versions ready for a limited run (12? 13?) of self-financed, self published copies - probably they'll be available sometime after Easter (?), fingers crossed. As I'd like the project to be taken (vaguely) seriously away from these pages, I've decided not to allow downloads, rather as steaming (streaming?) audio, so if you want to bootleg them (by all means do - it'll save me a fortune getting the cunting thing pressed up), you'll probably need a Minidisc player....

Oh, and I'd recommend listening to the lo-bitrate version of 'Wallis', as well as the high - it's like it's being played on the world service, which I thought was rather apt...


L.U.V. on ya,

Bob




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Wednesday, 31 January 2007

Climate of Munter...

More of Bob's adventures in munterspace*...(You really *have to* click the Lost Highway link first for this one...)

Part 4,368:
Lost Highway Records


Hi,



I've just clicked on your myspace page expecting to be warmly welcomed into the mellow downhome ambience of one of Nashville's leading record labels, and instead I'm greeted with the following:



"Get Lost"



It's not good enough really, is it??



L.U.V. on ya,



Bob


*For the criminally unhip, this refers to what's commonly known as myspace.com...

p.s. we seem to be stuck on 90,428....*get* *clicking*, you bastards!

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Tuesday, 30 January 2007

Bob's Back!!!!!



Well, after Spinny's heartfelt plea to have "old mad Bob back", how could I refuse??? Besides, under Roberta's *disastrous* stewardship, our ratings had plummeted to an alltime low, so I'm glad to have rid of the old battleaxe (although it will obviously be a bit of a blow to lose the burgeoning lesbians smeared in Shea butter sector that was just beginning to look like a goer...)

So, no more characters, no more hiding behind personae, just pure, undiluted Bobness, rotten cock, warts and all...

Now, get over and ****listen to the music you bastards**** or I'll have your link surgically removed!!!!

Love on y'all,

Bob

p.s. and before you ask, no I don't have a clue what a spinal erector is either, but I'm sure as hell getting myself down to Asda to order a brace of the fuckers....and who knows, maybe a delt or too as well....


*****************UPDATE******************

Almost forgot - all ideas (I. Dears) welcomed please as to what the A. stands for? And before any clever clogs says it, I bagsy 'Arsehole'.



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Monday, 29 January 2007

Hungry Like The Wolf...



Yes, got it in one. This is the first in an occasional series on the dietary habits of Britain's best-loved brain box, Prof. Heinz Wolf*.

The wolf was spotted prowling around the freshly made soups area of the refectory(today's choice, minestrone or cream of mushroom), but wisely elected to pass on both, preferring instead to sample the anorexic cod in batter with boiled new potatoes, peas and carrots. A decidedly sheepish looking Wolf was last seen bumbling around looking for a place to sit mumbling something in heavily accented English about the behaviour of anisotropic polymer particles...

Tum-ti-tum-ti-tum-ti-tumti - ...something about 57 varieties....etc. etc. Please come back all of Bob's old readers - I promise to be funnier in future...

xxxx

'Berta





*it, erm, says here...

And go and listen to the song, FFS!!


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Sunday, 28 January 2007

My Hero Let Me Down....



Duane Eddie kicks Bob Fripp off the axeman's stool on "Heroes", while Joe Meek and Eno fight over the mixing console. Bowie remains sanguine throughout, smirking away as Morrissey takes care of the vocal duties...

Listen to it ****here****....

xxxx

'Berta


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Friday, 26 January 2007

Thursday, 25 January 2007

That Roberta Swipe Wadcast Playlist in Full!!...

By popular demand!! (Well, JDA...) and in no particular order

Soul Limbo - Booker T & the MGs
The Girl With the Sun in her Hair (AKA The Harmony Hairspray ad) - John Barry
Greenjeans - The Fabulous Fleerekkers
Bloodsport - Killing Joke
The Big Ship - Brian Eno
Gnossienne no. (4 - I think it was 4) - Erik Satie
Venus de Milo - Prince
Telstar - the Tornadoes
Speed of Life - David Bowie
Beef Jerky - John Lennon
Lara's Theme - (will have to dig out the artist - I didn't think this through very well, did I...?)


erm....can't remember what else I put on. Let me know if there are any others you couldn't pick out Jifster. And thanks for your interest.

The rest of you - thanks for your apathy and indifference...

Also back by popular demand (well, Howesey said he quite liked it.....) is "Wallis", the song about everybody's favourite Aardman dog animation called Wallis [sic]. Just click on the ubiquitous myspace links to hear it....

xxxx

'Berta





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Monday, 22 January 2007

Messages of Love...

#1,376: Lily Allen.

Thanks for being a pal Lily!

It's very gracious of you to take the time out to be friends with "the little people".

Mind you, If you don't mind me saying this, I think you've probably learned your good manners from your father. One of the nicest men I've ever had the pleasure of working with. A true pro and - contrary to what you may have heard from some quarters - a man who could not only hold his liquor but also knew how to treat a man pretending to be a lady.

Who can forget those wonderful shaggy dog stories he used to tell? - going on for hours and hours before signing off with that marvellous catch phrase - "and may your God go with you..."

How's his finger?

xxxx

'Berta



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Whatever Happened to Girl With a One Track Mind???...

Just kidding - I couldn't give a shit, actually. It's just that when I saw Bob at the weekend, in the brief interlude between hands of porno legends top trumps with Keith A., Stephen F., and our future monarch, he told me that if I wanted to get a *real* big audience to plug my *NEW SONG* to, I should just give GWAOTM a namecheck and I'd be *inundated* with speccy tossers off google all arching their backs to see what in the blazes the monstrously libidoed old tart had got up to now (*his* words, not mine...)

I'm not convinced, but how can a novice like me argue with a *genuine* *legend* of blog??

In any case, it just goes to show - there's only one thing worse than being talked about....


xxxx

'Berta


Oh, and you can hear the new song HERE....

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Friday, 19 January 2007

Wadcast #3...

....is here for your delight and delectation.

There just aren't the words to tell you how *fan*-*fucking*-*tabulous* it is....

xxxx

'Berta



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Thursday, 18 January 2007

Spot the Difference...

Just received this






from a friend who did the Hard Rock Cafe backstage tour in (I think) Florida. It's one of my all time favourite Beatle pics. For those not in the know, it's based on one of his erstwhile mate's album covers:






The Lennon is a photo of the original print.

I much preferred the pre-canonised Lennon...


xxxx

'Berta


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Come On You Lot!!!...

Total 86,264
Average Per Day 340
Average Visit Length 0:55
Last Hour 14
Today 109
This Week 2,380

PAGE VIEWS

Total 144,390
Average Per Day 561
Average Per Visit 1.7
Last Hour 23
Today 162
This Week 3,928


...only another 14,736 visits and we can wrap this thing up *once and for all*!!

Get clicking, you bastards!!

xxxx

'Berta


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Wednesday, 17 January 2007

"I Married Sex God Lembit For His Body & Sexy Good Looks, Not His Brain", Says Opik Sex Romp Cheeky Girl, Gabriela...




xxxx

'Berta

(....I know, I know - it's LemBIT, not LemPIT....It's not easy being a Munterspace legend *and* keeping this tired charade going until we crawl over the 100,000 visitors mark, you know....)


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Friday, 12 January 2007

Myspace Message to the Lovely Richard Hawley...




Hi Richard,



Thank you *so* much for being a friend. I always *knew* you were the *real* brains behind Pulp. Well, you and Candida Doyle, anyroad.



Which reminds me, can you have a word with Cocker? He's still holding out on me. I wouldn't care normally, only Hank Marvin doesn't have a Myspace and I need someone with nerdy specs to keep Bruce Welch company...



xxxx



'Berta



p.s. That's Jarvis, not Joe. He signed up *ages* ago... he may look like a tramp, but he's got a heart of pure spun gold...


I know, I know...Candida Doyle was the *real* brains behind Pulp, but you have to butter these people up occasionally or they turn nasty...


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Message Left With Kitty-Go Booking...





Hi kitty-go booking,

I'd like to book a table for two for tonight at a vegetarian restaurant in the Dusseldorf vicinity - you can choose, we're not fussy, as long as we can sit by the window and there are no people smoking within a twelve metre radius of us and the waitress doesn't go by a first name that contains the letter E...

Oh and could you get us on the earliest possible LAX-bound flight the day after? Only I have a very important charity golf tournament to play with Alice Cooper, Larry David and Randy Newman. Thomas might turn up to caddy for him, which is nice.

Thank you very much for taking care of all that. You do take Visa, I trust...?

xxxx

'Berta


It's *damn* hard to find a *good* vegetarian menu in Germany, don't you think??

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Thursday, 11 January 2007

Morrissey To Sing Britain's Eurovision Entry...



....he'll be doing "The Boy With The Thorn In His Boom-Bang-a-Bang-Crash-Bang-Wallop-Stick-it-Up-Your-Puppet-on-a-String.....", presumably....



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Tuesday, 9 January 2007

Wadcast #1...

Is here...

xxxx

'Berta


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Wadcasts...

As if I didn't need reminding of the daunting nature of the task ahead if I'm ever to fill my brother's shoes on this poxy blogathon of his, the reaction to yesterday's post (thanks Mo of Ro - nice to know there's someone out there....) has filled me with dread and forboding as to the unlikeliness of my pulling off next phase of the project. I know many of you worship the ground that Bob walks on, and ...yeah, he has his good points, I suppose, don't get me wrong....he can be generous to a fault if he thinks it will get him out of doing something and he mixes a *mean* drambuie/fruit/carpet cleaner based molotov that will have your legs parted faster than Moses divvying up the Red Sea with only 5 minutes to go before last orders at the bar. But I have to tell it like it is and, brother or not, I have to prick your bubble here and let you into a little secret. Don't be tricked by the carefree demeanour and the easy going charm; don't let the smouldering Brando looks and the dry-as-Woody-Allen's-Manhattan-with-a-dry-ice-top laconic wit fool you. He may well have promised to give his liver to Rwandan orphans (well, I say 'give' - it's more of a highly complex cryogenic lend/lease reciprocal actually..) but the man can also be a bit of a mean spirited tossbag and a downright hardfaced cunt to boot when it suits, if I can be frank. And at the moment, it suits.

You see, not only does he insist that I earn my corn by seeing this thing through until we make the 100,000 visit mark (yeah, like there's more chance of London 2012 going ahead on time than this shite hitting six figures this side of the 22nd century....when it comes to my "impact" on this site's popularity, the words kiss, of and death spring to mind ....), but he also wants me to revitalise his blessed Bobcasts too - you know, the ones you were all ignoring while you were busy turning The Mo of Ro into the 3.76 rated, award winning, Leather miniskirted, tights-round her ankles, female Fluff Freeman de nose jaws? Well, that's the plan. But first I've got to see if Bitchslutpod will let me change the name. I mean, come on - do I look like a Robert to you??

Anyways, I'll let you know when I've got it all sorted. Can't wait, as I'm sure you can't either....


xxxx


'Berta

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Monday, 8 January 2007

John Wesley Harding...

That's this chap...





....not the famous Bob Dylan L.P. of the same new. For some reason, an interview he did with Vivian Stanshall came up on the pod this morning. Interesting to hear the self-congratulatory king of "power folk" talking up his then current album, the listener aware as he could not have been at the time of how funny it would sound with hindsight, in the knowledge that said L.P. would sell precisely 5 copies.

I mention this for 2 reasons.

1) I saw JWH by accident at the Subterranea club. Lunatic mate-who-turned-down-the-chance-to-play-drums-with-Jamiroquoi had told me we were going to see South African trumpeter Hugh Masakele. It was only after "the support band" (JWH) had been playing for about 3 hours that the penny dropped.......Hugh must be *next* Tuesday.. Still, we did get to see Pete Thomas and van Morrison's orgaist, I suppose...

2) The unfettered joy of hearing a clearly bored rigid (and pissed) Viv say in his most urbane, radio 4 voice:

"I'm clearly well and truly under the influence.....but Wes, tell me about *your* influences..."

One question remains.

Why?

xxxx


'Berta

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Thursday, 4 January 2007

Now I'm Gone...



I've just posted up a new song on "Munterspace.com"*.

It's my most ambitious recording so far. I actually attempted to sing without the aid of alcohol.

Decide for yourself whether I should pursue that direction any further...

The song is an update of the old Shangri Las number, "The Leader of the Pack" and takes up Jimmy's story after he gets killed on his motorcycle...

It's sort of a The Tibetan Book of Shadow Morton, kinda thing....

Hope you like it,

xxxx


'Berta


*© The Mother of all that is Rock

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Current Myspace Circular...

We are sad to announce the criminally premature passing of Welsh Country Music Legend Roberta Swipe who died this weekend in a Salinas motel of various alcohol related complications at the tender age of 26. Roberta had just won the prestigious Expatriate Welshman Currently Resident in Southern Californian Award for best newcomer (female) and was runner up in the Guess the Weight of the Heifer competition (6lb, 3 ounces...) at the Salinas Eiysteddfod and it is believed that she overdid the ensuing celebrations somewhat. Several hours after being found by the motel maid, Swipe's stomach was still being drained of what appears to have been a lethal cocktail of Drambuie based alco-fruit drinks and carpet cleaner. Her liver had bloated to about 5 times normal size, but was quite remarkably free from muddy foot prints, fluff and dust.

"The Texas Rose of the Valleys" as she was known to many (to most others, she was a big gobbed slapper who couldn't keep her legs together for more than 30 seconds at a stretch...but that's another matter...) left a small but impeccable body of work behind (as well as a pretty big bill at the liquor store...)

To hear her work, please visit the myspace tribute page we have set up in her honour by clicking on the beautiful image of the much-missed songstress or going here:

http://www.myspace.com/robertaswipe

Thank you for your time and God bless the spirit and memory of Roberta!



xxxx

'Berta

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Wednesday, 3 January 2007

The True Value of Friendship...

As most of you will have noticed, I'm new around here and so it's taken me a while to figure out the lay of the land. For instance, I didn't realise Bob was such a hit with the ladies (Jeez - what did you girls *see* in him??) But I didn't realise he'd hooked up with such a well-heeled crew as you lot! See, as part of my research, I had a quick look over at Blogshares.com and this was what I found out you were all worth.

Scary Duck (B$4,286.64)
Professional Spinster (B$1,337.65)
a hazy day today (B$933.72)
Brian Damage (B$830.31)
Postcards From The Yellow Room (B$791.16)
Goat Food (B$563.29)
Ceridwen Devi (B$537.22)
Leighton Cooke (B$400.80)
Geoff's Ordinary Blog (B$380.21)
¡Oye Billy! (B$370.48)
Was that me? (B$367.84)
mad musings of me (B$330.54)
Cultural Snow (B$326.14)
Betty's Utility Room (B$306.93)
The Voyage of Dick Headley (B$242.79)
Slinging Ink (B$206.56)
Seanycblog (B$204.92)
The Past; Present; and Future (B$180.36)
e b e n c h (B$167.74)
The Fluffy Economist (B$125.91)
Saki and Satire (B$120.40)
The Trouser Quandary Resolution (B$112.04)
mad musings of me (B$28.76)
A Tangled Rope (B$14.47)

So obviously Mr. Scary Duck and Spinsterella (whoever *he* is...) can expect a personal call very soon...

On the other hand, A Tangled Rope......Well, I wouldn't hold your breathe....

xxxx


'Berta



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Tuesday, 2 January 2007

Personal Communication to Mr. Leonard "Laughing Lenny" Cohen...





......

Hi Mr. Cohen,

I've been told by people in the know that I have your voice and the body of Nastasia Kinski....

....at least, I *think* it was that way around....


......



......



....well, let's hope so, eh?


xxxxxx

'Berta

p.s. I'm a friend of the Dalai Lama's, you know....




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Madonna...



It's very easy to have a go at Madonna, isn't it? Talentless, haggy, desperate, baby thieving whore, who can swallow a yard of ale glass sideways while gargling the theme from the Great Escape are just some of the words that spring to mind.

But I must say, Madge has always been very fair in her dealings with me since we became friends on myspace - so much so, that I broke with my tradition of being *cool* about celebrity friends and left her this message:

Hi Madge,

Thanks so much for being a friend. It must have taken some guts knowing what a *total* ming you'd look alongside me. But fair play to you. I don't care what the others say. You may well be a talentless, haggy, desperate, baby thieving whore, who can swallow a yard of ale glass sideways while gargling the theme from the Great Escape, but you're alright with me!

xxxxx


'Berta

p.s. - Good luck with the adoption. If it all goes tits up, you can always have a couple of mine...


So give the girl a break, alright!


xxxx


'Berta


*******UPDATE******************

As she hadn't got back to me yet, I sent her this:

Have great new year Madge!!

(And I was serious about the kid thing - if you're deperate, you can always have a couple of mine. They're not black, but they can scream the house down and cack themselves for England!)

Wishing you every happiness for the year ahead and beyond,


xxxx

'Berta


I'm still waiting foir a reply....


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The Mother of all that is Rock!!

Bob told me she was good, but I didn't expect anything as stonking as *this*....

Keep up the good work Ro-Mo - and thanks for the plug. I'm *long* overdue a bath and thanks to you, that ass's milk won't go to waste now!


xxxx

'Berta


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Thursday, 21 December 2006

The Dalai Lama...

Myspace gets quite a lot of stick in snootier circles (The Grauniad, Personal Computer Weekly, Housewives' Choice etc..) but I think a lot of this animosity and contempt is ill-deserved, actually. You know, it's not just a paedophile-friendly jizz joint where you can while away weeks on end gawping at scantily-clad goth girls splattered in feck blood, listening to the atrocious SlipKnot cover versions they've posted up that sound like someone vomiting over a Black Sabbath track played backwards (although that is quite a large part of the appeal, obviously. As Stray Photon will concur...) But really, there's a lot of good (i.e. non-pornographic) stuff on there too.

For instance, the other day I came across this nice looking bald chap in his 70s, dressed in orange. He looked kind of cute and had a smile that was sort of, how can I put it? - Serene? Anyways, I thought what the heck? And sent him this message:

I came across your myspace by accident, your Royal Highness - I'd typed in Dial-a-Llama, and you came up.

It's nice to have met you anyway - I really admire what you do.

(I guess I'll just have to do without the Llama....)

Much love, peace and respect to you, sir,


xxxx


'Berta


And I got this reply:

that made me smile. many blessings to you, namaste.

His myspace is here if you want to check him out.

Don't know about you, but I think I'm in there....



xxxx

'Berta



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Wednesday, 20 December 2006

Camera Obscura...

Hi, you probably don't know me. I'm Bob's half sister Roberta. Or people call me 'Berta for short, especially if they're in a hurry. Anyway, I've been asked to take over Bob's blog as he's been knighted or something and has taken to swanning around with Prince Charles, Stephen Fry and Keith Allen and all those other establishment bods.

Well, truth is, I'm a bit busy myself really, being as I am a global celebrity wannabe and aspiring Glenda Stefanni style pop legend and all. But you know Bob - he can be very persuasive....(and, more to the point, he's bloody loaded - you don't think I'm doing this gratis, do you??) So I thought - what the heck? Why not! Obviously, I won't be quite as prolific as Bob (he didn't have a huge audience of Goth Girls splattered in Feck blood to keep happy, for starters...!!) But I'll do my darnedest to keep the think going in his memory.

And just in case any of you think I will only be using this space as a blatant and gratuitous way of publicising my Myspace space (er hem....it's here if you're interested, btw) I thought I'd direct you to this lot who are also on there and, if you ask me, bloody brilliant stuff!!

Have a listen here.

I'm loving 'If Looks Could Kill' right now...

Right you lot, I'm off.

Speak soon,


xxxx

'Berta



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Thursday, 7 December 2006

Honoured...

When I saw the crest on the back of the envelope, I thought at first that it was another demand from the Inheritence Tax bods. As if £50,000 smackers plus wasn't enough, already..

But when I opened it, there was a heavily scented letter (vermouth/curry powder - slight undertone of vomit, or possibly ready-grated supermarket parmesan - I can't be certain). It read:

Dear Mr. Swipe,

I am writing to you on behalf of Her Majesty in connection with this year's New Year's Honours List. I have the pleasure to inform you that you are to be recognised for your services to the world wide web, telecommunications and cheap, soft-porn satires at the expense of insignificant television presenters and dwarf-baiitng by being awarded Membership of the Order of The British Empire. Her Majesty has asked me to communicate her own personal satisfaction at the nomination as she has for some time been a keen reader of your work, despising as she does, "that bloody Kerplunkski woman", as she is wont to refer to a certain television presenter. Her Majesty is a woman of strong opinion, not easily deflected from her prejudices, and is not particularly fond of the Poles as a people, I'm afraid.

Assuming your acceptance of the award, your investiture will take place on 13th March at 3pm. Kneepads will be provided, although you may wish to provide your own condiments, according to taste. I would be grateful if you could confirm to me in writing whether or not you wish to attend. Her Majesty still hasn't forgiven "that scouse wanker" for returning his. "Cold Turkey? My Arse!" is a frequently heard cry around the royal residences whenver the wireless happens to be tuned to counting down of the hit parade. A shame, as the Queen Mother was somewhat of a fan.

RSVP

Hamish MacRae-Canteloupe, Equerry to the Royal Household.


Then this, in a girlish scrawl at the bottom (hearts instead of dots over the 'i's:

...it would have been last year if it hadn't been for that Blumen Hestonthal...

So, what to do??


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Honoured...

When I saw the crest on the back of the envelope, I thought at first that it was another demand from the Inheritence Tax bods. As if £50,000 smackers plus wasn't enough, already..

But when I opened it, there was a heavily scented letter (vermouth/curry powder - slight undertone of vomit, or possibly ready-grated supermarket parmesan - I can't be certain). It read:

Dear Mr. Swipe,

I am writing to you on behalf of Her Majesty in connection with this year's New Year's Honours List. I have the pleasure to inform you that you are to be recognised for your services to the world wide web, telecommunications and cheap, soft-porn satires at the expense of insignificant television presenters and dwarf-baiitng by being awarded Membership of the Order of The British Empire. Her Majesty has asked me to communicate her own personal satisfaction at the nomination as she has for some time been a keen reader of your work, despising as she does, "that bloody Kerplunkski woman", as she is wont to refer to a certain television presenter. Her Majesty is a woman of strong opinion, not easily deflected from her prejudices, and is not particularly fond of the Poles as a people, I'm afraid.

Assuming your acceptance of the award, your investiture will take place on 13th March at 3pm. Kneepads will be provided, although you may wish to provide your own condiments, according to taste. I would be grateful if you could confirm to me in writing whether or not you wish to attend. Her Majesty still hasn't forgiven "that scouse wanker" for returning his. "Cold Turkey? My Arse!" is a frequently heard cry around the royal residences whenver the wireless happens to be tuned to counting down of the hit parade. A shame, as the Queen Mother was somewhat of a fan.

RSVP

Hamish MacRae-Canteloupe, Equerry to the Royal Household.


Then this, in a girlish scrawl at the bottom (hearts instead of dots over the 'i's:

...it would have been last year if it hadn't been for that Blumen Hestonthal...

So, what to do??


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Tuesday, 5 December 2006

I'm Speechless....

Email from Todd Blogney:

PS r*f*s met bowie last week and he said 'he sooo thinks he's Robert Swipe!!'

My reply:

…he *was* me for a year, wasn’t he?

Todd continued:

No seriously.. r*f*s says he's exactly like you..

My reply:

[...]

I'm sure you can all fill in the punchline....



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Monday, 4 December 2006

Christmas #1/Bob's Festive 50...

As PC-gone-made-lunatics at BA attempt to stifle the Christian faith, we here at Swipe Towers enter the season of goodwill to all men (and a couple of tasty birds too) with all barrels loaded. How very dare they rob us of our cribs, gently braised wild fowl and copious amounts of cheap cash and carry absinthe as we charge our glasses in memory of the birthday of the saviour of mankind. Don't these people know the true meaning of Christmas? I mean, when else were we going to watch those endless re-runs of the 1977 Morecambe & Wise Christmas Special? Easter??

But these killjoys will not have it all their own way. And to prove it, The Swipe Show will be beginning our Christmas festivities even earlier than usual. To this end, we'll be launching our traditional Christmas #1 campaign today. Just go here and have a listen to 'Christmas Dinner' by Fuzzy Brown - our tip for the yuletide top spot this year. It's a real belter and its message of religious tolerance (well, apart from the Jews, obviously), the brotherhood of man allied to some splendidly histrionic axe-battering have made it a real firm favourite in our office. Please do all you can to put this record* where it belongs - top of the hit pararde by a bloody mile!

As if that were not enough, voting starts today in our traditional** Festive Fifty*** Chart. That's right, in time honoured John Peel fashion, all you have to do is vote for your three favourite songs that have featured on this year's Bobcasts and we'll then rundown our listeners favourites in a special one off Christmas Day Bobcast! So get sending in those votes, pop-pickers!!

And is if all *that* wasn't enough, here's another chance to read last year's fabulous Swipe Show re-working of It's a Wonderful Life...

God bless us all, everyone!!!!!


*I'm sure it will be released one day....

**We're hoping one day it will become so...

***Only we'll be doing a top ten, not fifty. Do you have any idea how large a file to download that would be??

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Friday, 1 December 2006

Tag Heuer...

This is one of those tag things. I have to tell you 5 things about myself and then tag three other people.*

1. I have a rotten cock.

2. I don't live in Slough.

3. I support Arsenal F.C.

4. On Wednesday night I saw them lose for the first time in 40 years to Fulham F.C.

5. I am *well* ragged off about it.

I nominate Brian Damage, Stewart Lee and Roger de Courcey and Nookie Bare (South West Devon's premier pornographic puppet act!!)

*The Rock Mother made me do it.

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Craven Cottage...



Anyone who's never been to a Premiership match in the London area could do a lot worse than take the short stroll along the river Thames from Hammersmith Bridge to the home of Fulham F.C. Don't be put off by the slightly aggressive posturing in the name of their fanzine ("There's only one 'F' in Fulham") - they're like pussycats. No, really - they *are* Indeed, it's more like a night out at the dogs or evening races than the normally adversarial atmosphere at many other football grounds - as if the crowd is amusedly watching the antics of the creatures rushing around before them, mildly interested as to which of them will come out on top. Of course they're partisan and want the team to do well, but they're as likely to indulge in the time-honoured pursuit of barracking their own players (even at two-nil up against the [once] mighty Arsenal, than for the more usual hero-worship and idolatry). Robin van Persie's exceptional long range free kick even brought a generous smattering of appreciative applause from around the ground, even though it brought Arsenal back into a game that had started to look all over, bar the shouting. Of course there were the occasional paedophile chants directed at the dapper-as-ever Arsene Wenger. But you can't expect them to keep *all* the Stamford Bridge lot out, what with the clubs being so close....

In fact, if you're lucky enough to get a seat in the newly refurbed Riverside stand, you can spend the pre-match and half time interludes on the terrace that looks out over the Thames, supping on an exhorbitantly priced (3 nicker for a 330 ml) bottle of Fosters and gorging on a tasty (but miniscule) cheese, onion and mushroom pie with the rest of the Fulham faithful - a charming mix of old time cockernees, French, Japanese and abundant Chiswick, Hammersmith nouveaux riches of admirably mixed gender (admittedly, you'd probably have to be to be able to afford the ticket prices. I paid 50 notes for mine. Mind you, you probably wouldn't have to pay quite so much to watch one of the less attractive sides. Middlesbrough visit soon. Or better still, wait for the local derby with Cheslea. They'll probably be giving them away for that.) The ubuiquitous racism aside ("come on you whites!" What's that all about? Half their players were black!)

All in all, a wonderful evening out, the highlight being the walk back among the happy hordes. Their first victory over Arsenal in 40 years brought about little of the more usual triumphalism and gloating. Rather, a joyful buzz filled the west London night air, as if each of the supporters was emittting a little E.T. like hum of deep satisfaction beneath their overcoats and jumpers. It can't have been all that different from the days when my Dad would accompany a drinking mate of his to the Cottage, returning with a broad grin on his face, brandishing a copy of the print out to the popular terrace chant of the time, the one the then standing terraces sung out to Elkie Brooks' most famous tune: "Earl's a Winger". Halfway across Hammersmith Bridge, back once more in the breast of the London Borough of Richmond-upon-Thames, I looked back east along the river to see the brilliant glare of the floodlights breaking through the silhouettes of the clumps of bare riverbank trees, like a second moon. You really should give it a go some time - especially an evening game.

It's just a shame the Arsenal never turned up.

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