In an unusually outspoken interview with The Robert Swipe Show, the world's most senior Buddhist the Dalai Lama has pledged to use new religious tolerance legislation to go on the offensive against those who incite hatred against his faith. With shocking candour, the Tibetan holy man outlined his new position, saying that he was fed up with being seen as an easy target and the leader of a "lightweight religion". Instead, the Lama vowed to transform his creed into one every bit as "bloodthirsty and sanctimonious" as the other major religions and promised "rivers of blood" would ensue if the persecution of his beliefs persisted.
Captioner in unsuccessful attempt to avoid lame "Dial-a-Llama" pun..
The Dalai Lama highlighted the following passage in the proposed law as giving his followers the green light to be, in his words, "shall we say, more proactive in the way we go about our proselytising business":
having regard to all the likely circumstances the words, behaviour or material...are likely to be heard or seen by any person in whom they are...likely to stir up religious hatred.
"For many years we've turned a blind eye to your infidel habits, such as eating meat and killing one another. But this legislation gives us the platform we've been waiting for. You can imagine how insulting it is to us as Buddhists who believe that all life is sacred when, every Sunday, the vast majority of you Britons settle down to your Sunday roasts. Well, now we no longer need to suffer in silence. Under the new law, we can stop you eating your disgustingly over-cooked carcasses or munching on the yucky, jaw-breakingly hardened pig skin you somehow see fit to consume. In fact, as the verbal threat of tucking in is covered by the new bill, as soon as Mum yells out, "come on you lot, I've cooked you a lovely Sunday roast" or you tell her "mmm, that joint of beef was done to perfection, love", we can have you under the new law for inciting religious hatred against us. And believe me, we will."
Preeya Kalidas: "quite possibly affected by the proposed legislation outlawing incitement of religious hatred..."
The Dalai Lama was quick to diffuse suggestions that this new stance could be construed as being anti-Christian. "No, we're going to clobber the Muslims too. Bloody Halal meat? It's disgusting - a real affront to our principles of non-violence and the sanctity of life. We've been very tolerant over the years while you Christians have had an established church and a legal protection against blasphemy and the Muslims have been able to put up a mosque on every corner and have it paid for on the rates. But the worm is beginning to turn. Just see how nice your leg of lamb with mint sauce and gravy tastes with a kukri knife shoved up your jacksy!"
Preeya Kalidas again: "only this time, completely gratuitously"
Asked whether the new approach would see a reduction in the appeal of the faith which many turned to because of its inherent stoic pacifism, the Lama was incensed. "Since when have violence, intolerance of other religions and downright hypocrisy ever been a bar to a successful religion? Do you think the Christians just waved a bloody magic wand to convert the Americas and Africa? Nah, you can stick it up yer bollocks - we're coming out fighting!"
Bleeeeeuuuuurghs: "patrons are reminded that this is a non-smoking gulag..."
Responding to the Dalai Lama's comments, the Home Office minister responsible for introducing the clearly thought-out and completely practicable new law, Hazel Bleeeeeeeeuuuuuuurrghs, was unfazed. "The Dalai Lama is one of the most eminent men on the planet, so far be it from me to tell him what he should or shouldn't do. We in New Labor respect all the world's major religions - it's just the rest of you we don't give a beggaring toss about. But with these new laws we can lock up anyone who gets gyppy with us on the slightest pretext - well, we can do that anyroad under the Harsh New Terror Laws that allow us to gun down innocent Brazilians for looking swarthy, but that's by the by-pass. Anyroad, the Dalai-Bloody-Lama won't be so bleeding uppitty when our challenger tanks are helping the Chinese flatten his frigging temples in Tibet. He can cock off, the ponce...."
The Commons will be "debating" the new Incitement to Religious Hatred Bill soon.
Love & peace on y'all,