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Tuesday, 1 November 2005

Hunters "testing law to the limit", claims League Against Cruel Sports


Great news for those of us opposed to the ban on cruel sports - and for once, I'm not talking about Cheslea here - as it emerges that despite recent legislation, hunt groups in the UK are still using packs of dogs in order to pursue these noble and highly enjoyable sports. Even better, the hunts have been emboldened by the lack of any serious prosecutions under the new legislation to extend the range of animals with which they hunt.

Hunts are still regularly convening on a weekly basis and, despite the ban on using packs of hounds to hunt, they use them only to 'flush out' stags and foxes before shooting them with a heavy armoury of weapons for an even more explosive and exciting climax. "At the moment, our main concern is to test the law", said Kate Heeeeeeuuuuuuuughey, the new head of the Countryside Alliance. "Obviously, the more ridiculous we can make the law look, the easier it will be to persuade a future government to repeal the act and allow us to get back to doing what we do best - namely causing completely unjustifiable pain and suffering to innocent creatures to give ourselves almighty hard-ons and get really excited daubing our children's faces with their verminous blood", said the ex-Sports Minister and seasoned animal harmer.

Mister Fox: "verminous scumbag pikey bastard whose blood we will smear all over our children's faces in a bizarre and barbaric power ritual..."

"To that end, we've started using a variety of other predators such as owls, hawks and eagles to go after the prey as no one in the extremely silly government thought we would be cruel enough ever to use such creatures, so they don't count under their stupid new law. The added bonus is that not only is it awful for the foxes and stags to be slowly pecked to a painful and inhumane death, it's really cruel for the birds too (well, imagine what sort of a mischief they do themselves trying to lift a bloody great stag!) So, all in all, it's twice as much fun for us! We were thinking of extending it even further and using really vicious predators like sharks and stuff - until someone quite rightly pointed out that they can't function without water. A shame, because it would have been quite fun to see them writhing around, starved of oxygen having just chomped through a few baby deer while we all knocked back the mulled wine and some of Mrs. Frobisher's Asylum seeker rolls. Still, nil desperandum - we just content ourselves with chasing them in our Challenger tanks and blasting the bastard scumbags to smithereens with our 'bunker busters' instead and then lobbing before rounding off the day lobbing a few grenades at the local comprehensive."

Hoey: "...and then, when you're finally exhausted having been chased over several acres by a pack of blood thirsty hounds, we put a round of bullets in your brain just for our own amusement. So, Shabnaz, when can you start?"

Heeeeeeuuuughey went on, "the next step is to see if we can get away with hunting a few poor people and foreigners. We will use the hounds to flush them out and then stick one in their skulls for good measure. We are looking for volunteers, preferably poor and foreign - although any degree of swarthiness is acceptable if you are an indigenous pikey or chav who might like to help us out. Once we've got away with that, who knows - perhaps they'll get the message and recind this awful ban which is harming our rural communities so very badly."

Anyone wishing to join the Swipe show in showing support for the Countryside Alliance in their battle to preserve these great rural traditions of ours should join our Take the "O" out of the Countryside Alliance campaign here

Love on y'all (apart from the verminous fox/stag scum!)


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