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Sunday, 27 November 2005

Helen Mirren to lead new NASA S.E.T.I. Probe Mission - Exclusive!!

Holy Moly Swipesters!!

Shock news reaching us here at Swipe Towers today of a new NASA mission which could see stunning Prime Suspect & The Long Good Friday star Helen Mirren launched into space in an audacious (and quite possibly hare-brained) bid to make contact with alien life forms and turn them into a secret military weapon that can kill millions of hapless earthlings in a spoooky, real-life version of the plot of the film Alien.

Ilynea Lydia Mironoff: a heroine of the Soviet Republic. But can she be trusted by NASA??

Mirren, who under her real name of Ilynea Lydia Mironoff studied to become a Cosmonaut in Soviet Russia, was chosen from a shortlist of ten women and beat off the likes of Natalie Imbruglia, Beyonce Knowles and Joan Rivers to conduct the most ambitious American space project since the moon landings of the 1960s and 70s. Scientists hope that the elegant and sophisticated actress who has wowed audiences around our own planet with her portrayals of a variety of vampish rock chicks but who is perhaps best known for her role as Police Detective Inspector Jane Tennyson in the Prime Suspect series will act as a beacon for possible forms of intelligent life. The plan is for her to lure them to her specially constructed podule where she will seduce them in the hope of becoming inseminated with their precious life-giving proteins. On her return to earth, Mirren will be birthed and scientists are hoping that she will spawn a horrifically militaristic organism bent on the systematic destruction of everything in its path which they will then use to dominate the planet earth in a callous and cynical display of inhumanity.

Agent Mironoff: "...a photographic memory is just so useful when it comes to scanning Top Secret Documents..."

"We're really excited about this, obviously", said a salivating scientist. "Mirren has all the qualities we are looking for - she's bright, sexy and has enjoyed tempestuous, foolhardy, kick-'em-out-of-bed-first-thing-in-the-morning sex with everyone from Rodney Bewes to Donny Osmond. Who could be better qualified to lure a bloodthirsty harbinger of death into the sack and milk it of its seminal fluids? And she trained to be an astronaut too! She's perfect for our evil scheme (and she's not currently working, which means we've got her at a steal!!)"

A scientist: (er hem ...for the ladies, you understand...)

Critics have questioned the wisdom of sending a mature woman, possibly on the cusp of being past her prime on such an important and dangerous mission - some going so far as to call for a younger space cadet such as Britney Spears or Kelly Clarkson to be sent instead. "I'm as fit as a fiddle and ready to fuck for humanity! I've been through just about every kind of man here on earth, so I guess it's about time I put it about a bit with the little green variety! I've found no signs of intelligent life among the earthling men, so who knows??" responded a clearly flushed Mirren at the pre-launch press conference. "I think these people lobbying for Britney don't really have the future of our species at heart, personally. If you ask me, it's just a cynical ploy to keep her as far away as possible from the recording studio."

Rourke in "looks like senior Swipe Towers researcher......well, a bit..." shock.

In a completely unrelated incident, former-Hollywood hearthrob and semi-pro boxer Mickey Rourke is to be landed by space shuttle on top of a passing asteroid, for no other reason that that I have had requests to balance up the female totty content on the site with some ravishingly hunky-style men - and I can NOT afford to lose readers over this! More Mickey Rourke tomorrow - if only because he bears a passing likeness to one of our senior researchers....

The Mironoff 1 probe will be launched the next time there's a clear night and a reasonably full moon...well, it's easier for the astronauts, apparently...

Love on y'all,


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