Thursday, 17 November 2005
Roberta Swipe's Entertainment U.S.A.!
Wow! What a week it's been here in the Beverley Hills! All the more reason to press on with all the latest Tinseltown tesselations and Hollywood hootenannying. Jees! I'm breathless already!!!
"Gutted" Osbourne and Cowell ditched in massive X-Factor shake up
ITV bosses have stunned the UK's primetime Saturday slot audience by revealing plans to sack the judges of the X-Factor - the station's flagship Weekend talent-spotting franchise. In a desperate bid to restore credibility to the channel's entertainment portfolio, the programme's love to hate them talent scouts, Sharon Osbourne and Simon Cowell have had their contracts terminated, despite proving enormously popular with the nation's telly viewers. In the wake of jibes that it has been dumbing down its programme content in order to generate a mindless nation of binge-drinking mobile-phone worshipping retards, ITV bosses are keen to introduce a more discerning element to the ratings topping star making format. To this end they have lined up Former Television singer and guitarist Tom Verlaine and ex-Magazine frontman Howard Devoto to replace the current adjudicators.
Verlaine ponders Richie proposal to dress up like cops, man just think what we could do, and decides he'd better not....
A spokesman emphasised the high brow connections of the two newcomers. "Tom is one of the most fluent and innovative guitar players in the history of rock music. Who could fail to be moved by his tremulous and labyrinthine solos on cuts like Marquee Moon and Guiding Light? I'm sure that someone with as sensitive an ear to nuance and expression will be the perfect person to unearth the stars of tomorrow. As for Howie, what can I say? Who else in pop history has woven the strands of Dostoyevskyan social realism and Sartre-esque existential ennui into a new form of modern lyricism? I think they'll do a smashing job." Asked if the choice of two such minority interest figures might jeopardise the show's ratings, the ITV executives were unabashed. "There will still be plenty of fireworks. Just imagine Tom telling a Roger de Courcey and Nookie-style act 'if I ever catch that ventriloquist I'll smash his face right into my fist' - and he's not joking, believe me!"
Devoto ponders legal action over lazy, cliched "Hopelessly Devotoed to you" caption...
The new format's highlight will be a new slot overseen by Devoto entitled A Song From Under the Floorboards in which contestants have to sing a Magazine song whilst suspended from a noose beneath the studio floor. Special night vision cameras will capture the performances before the audience is treated to Devoto's caustic analysis of each contestant's delivery. The new routine is thought to be an attempt to prevent the success of talented-but-fat hopefuls like Michelle McManus winning the competition on a wave of audience popularity only to prove unmarketable to the bulimic waif-obsessed Record Company men who use the show as a cheap and cheerful way of palming off talentless would-be pop stars onto an ignorant and fickle audience rather than scouting for proper talent. It is thought that similarly overweight contestants would find it impossible to sing a whole song without hanging themselves completely - especially some of the epic six-minute plus tracks like Back to Nature or The Great Beautician in the Sky.
X-Factor II begins in the new year.
Whalley-Kilmer ponders enhanced scrabble value of Robert Kilroy-Silk union...
Sexy screen siren Joanne Whalley-Kilmer has revealed her intention to quit the motion picture business in order to pursue a career as a nurse in the NHS. The star of Edge of Darkness , Scandal and The Singing Detective says that she is bored with the trappings of fame - long days lounging by the pool, week-long cocaine binges, mad unbridled sex with a succession of tanned and musclebound beefcakes and so on - and prefers a new challenge instead. She has started her training in a cheap, delapidated PFI-built hospital that smells of piss and is peopled by drugged up muggers and insensate pensioners. The star seems to have gained a new lease of life from the unexpected career switch as she dazzled a hastily commissioned press conference during a frenzied ten minute fag/uppers/brandy break outside the hospital entrance in the pouring rain. "I'm really relishing the challenge", beamed the lovely Joanne as she posed for the cameras in her saucy new standard issue uniform with with handy brandy hip flask-holder/garter belt and prim-until-I-pull-the curtains-and-mount-you-you-naughty-naughty-patient-you little nurse's cap. "The training has been hard, but I'm definitely sticking with it", said a clearly flushed Whalley-Kilmer.
Whalley Kilroy-Silk lookalikey ponders market value of 'prim-until-I-pull-the curtains-and-mount-you-you-naughty-naughty-patient-you little nurse's cap' removal...
Joanne continued, "at first I went along with the old adage that laughter was the best form of medicine. So, like an idiot, muggins here just stood there and laughed at the patients for ages. But they never seemed to get any better. In fact, one nearly croaked on me as I was rolling around on the floor, waving my legs in the air, having a giggling fit. Thank God one of the senior nurses was on hand to administer the correct care and medical attention in time, or else poor old Harry would have been a goner. As soon as I get the hang of all the charts and drugs and anal insertions, I'm sure I'll make a ruddy good health care professional. Besides, anything's better than Holby City - is that the actor's graveyard, or what?"
Whalley-Kilmer ponders "unwelcome emissions" likelihood ahead of Mr. Simpkins' weekly undercarriage larding session....
Whalley-Kilmer is currently checking Mr. Perkin's temerature on Ward 10B before disposing of Miss Cartwright's piss in Renal and checking the Dewar girl's obs in Paediatrics.
Love on y'all,