Yo-di-doo-di folks,
Another exciting week in the world of world dominion seeking English singer-songwriters and piano playing tug-of-love children, so without further addy-ooodle-doo, here' a hoe down on the week's top stories....
Peter Perrett in Backstage Pantomime Coercion Shock!
Former Only Ones singer-songwriter Peter Perrett was involved in an unseenly fracas backstage at the Theatre Royal this weekend as quiet glass of wine and mingle with the cast of a charity pantomime went horribly awry. Dressed in a typically gaudy green velvet jacket, the waif-like star was happily chewing the fat with the actors appearing in the Christmas production of Treasure Island when a partially deaf stagehand misheard the Director's instruction to 'mount the parrot' - as worn in the play by Long John Silver (played by Charles Dance) - and erroneously began attempting to lodge the diminutive lyricist and frontman onto the shoulder of the noted English actor, with no inhibitions. The situation worsened when the wayward prop handler tried to inflate Perrett in a manner similar to that used by Peter Sellers disguised as Swedish sailor in that Pink Panther film, causing an unnecessary degree of discomfort and some loss of plumage.
The theatre has promised to make amends by allowing Perrett and his whole family to attend next year's performance of Aladdin for free - although they have warned him that they will not be held responsible if he chooses to wear a kimono.
"I am Norah Jones' Real Father", Claims Penniless Non-entity.
Gorgeous singer Norah Jones was this week embroiled in an unseemly tug of love as a man purporting to be her real father stepped out of the shadows in the hope of re-entering the million-selling singer's life. The man, an unemployed Russian tailor, claims that he - and not Indian Sitar guru Ravi Shankar - is 26 year-old Norah's real father. "It was a very romantic night in Minsk, exactly 26 years and 9 months ago. I had got Mrs. Jones seriously whelped on vodka and frozen fish and she was pleading with me to shag her senseless without using any precautions by the end of the fifth bottle. All I want is a normal Father and Daughter relationship with my beautiful little girl and for her to take her rightful father's name," said Mr. Vladimir Titzof - either that or $12 million...."
Morrissey to become Caliph of New Islamic State!
Manchester-born singer Morrissey is the surprise choice to become the new Caliph of a reunited Arab and Muslim world. The new superstate will stretch east from Southern Spain to Pakistan and cover most of Saharan Africa and parts of the Far East and the new leader will be appointed by a group of senior clerics and potentates. "It's obviously imperative that we get the right man", said a spokesman for the Council of British Muslims, "but we're obviously rooting for the local lad and it seems he stands a really good chance". The former Smiths singer and solo star converted to Islam three years ago when it was pointed out to him that a senior position within the Islamic religion would enable him to issue edicts and fatwas with far more authority and would possibly even exempt him from prosecution under new anti-religious intolerance laws being drafted up to prevent terrorist attacks being launched by religious zealots and intolerant bigots. "Moz is always outspoken, as you know", said his Press Secretary, "and I can't remember a day going by when he hasn't called for a McDonalds to be burned to the ground or a member of the Royal family to be assassinated. I think he could be just the fella for the Caliphate post." The decision is expected to be made once the Caliphate has been established in the wake of a victorious jihad.
We'll keep you all posted on the results but, in the meantime, in you're reading this Moz - good luck you!!
Keep on Rickety-Rocketin' y'all!
Mort
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