Tranny and Susannah!

Hi Swipesters!!


Please welcome two great new additions to the show. Each week, gorgeous, slender style gurus Tranny Woodcraft-Folk and Susannah Come-Quickly will be taking a hairy, cross-dressing brute of a man who looks like a sack of shit badly tied, and turning him/her into a stunning, sleek goddess of shimmering, saucy sexiness. So, what more can I say but please give a nice, warm Swipe Show welcome to those lovable selectors of cloth, Tranny and Susannah!!

Tranny: Hello everyone. This is Maxwell:



Susannah: Yeeuuughghkk!!


Tranny: Yes, he's a disgrace, isn't he? The matted hair with no attempt made to hide the receding hairline. The ill-fitting hosiery, the outsized comedy shoes - he obviously can't be bothered to look for a pair of size 14 slingbacks. The make up selection is poor and all I can say is, thank God he's hiding those hands. You would not believe the state of those nails. In short - your basic transvestite nightmare. So, what can we do?

Susannah: Well, Tran, my first instinct is to say "Allah be thanked that we don't live in France" and slip him into one of these - an all-over, sonic blue burkah with delicate lace visor and a lovely, floaty, crenellated wraparound neck:



Tranny: Mmmm, sexy...

Susannah: But that would be taking the easy way out, wouldn't it? No, we're made of sterner stuff than that, aren't we?

Tranny: We sure are, Suze!

Susannah: Instead, we're going to transform Maxwell into something that doesn't scare the bejeezus out of young children and the mentally ill, without recourse to the traditional hijab and isolation booth techniques. So we put Max in our special 360 degree mirror



in order to show him the folly of wearing footless tights with ankles like his. We showed him just how crazy it was to wear a bow tie and waistcoat when you're trying to look like a voluptuous and sexy woman with a tongue like a boa-constrictor and thighs of steel. But it's not all personality negation and bullying tactics on this show - although we do pride ourselves on our ability to reduce even the hardest faced hod-carriers into simpering Barbie dolls who'll be vommying up their weetabix for the rest of their natural when we're through with them. "Come on Max!", we told him, "you've got a lovely figure and a sweet little face - don't hide your light under a bushel!" And, sure enough, little by little, Maxwell began to feel empowered by our caustic comments, character defamation and uninhibited nastiness. After a week or so of spiteful criticism and unrestrained ego-mashing, even we were a little suprised when Maxwell emerged from behind the curtain. What a transformation!! A couple of hair and nail extensions, a pretty necklace, an inch or two of Rimmel and an intensive course of Bulimia later, and we couldn't recognise the vision stood before us from the crap-awful wreck of a girl-man who walked into our office a week ago. So, ladies and gentleman, we Tranny and Susannah are most proud to introduce to you the v-e-r-y lovely......





Maxine!









Get those nails!! Knock 'em dead, lady!




Bye bye for now,


Tranny & Susannah xxx

Next week: Tranny & Susannah help Nigel, a P.T. instructor from Luton, to realise all his Imelda Marcus dreams....



Love on y'all,


Bob