Hold the phone Swipesters!
Britain has been plunged into chaos as millions of UK workers failed to turn up for work in the wake of Cheslea's shock 1-0 defeat by Manchester United at Old Trafford yesterday. Roads were silent as the workforce took advantage of the national holiday declared by Cheslea manager Jose Mourinho in the unlikely event of his team being beaten. But the declaration by the self-styled 'special one' was greeted with scorn by representatives of the Confederation for British Industry, who are predicting a downturn in the economy due to the lost day.
Mourinho: "loaves, fishes, five thousand mouths to feed? No problem.."
"We can see this having a dire impact on the national economy", said a man in a suit. "The only areas which haven't been affected are the ones with a disproportionate amount of Cheslea fans who are too gutted by the defeat to take advantage of the day off. Painting and decorating is pretty much doing business as usual and a few pikey firms selling clothes pegs and lucky heather and so on will be up and running - though obviously, it's a bit late for the latter given yesterday's result. We here in the city have just been stopped in our tracks - it's like a desert here." Firms were also bracing themselves for the after-effects of the day off as millions of hung-over sufferers were expected to roll into work on Tuesday still feeling the ill-effects of the day of national celebration. "We're expecting our sales to go through the roof", said a spokesman for the manufacturers of hangover cure Remorse - who along with the nation's publicans will be one of the few benficiaries of the stoppage.
Pikey firms: "business as usual...."
On the pitch, the result has come as a welcome relief to the Manchester club after a week of internal divisions and bad results in Europe. The goal which gave the club its all-important victory, scored by French superstar Madame Cholet, could go down as one of the most important in the club's history. "Obviously it was a great feeling to get the goal, Brian", said the enigmatic striker and womble chef. "I'm just looking forward to putting my feet up and watching it on the video a few thousand times with the rest of the nation - and now, thanks to Jose, I can!"
Cholet: "delighted, Brian. I feel like a pilchard thrown out the back of a trawler, on me 'ead son...."
Love on y'all,