Pop icon, actress, renowned children's author and eagle-eyed pheasant shooter Madonna Ritchie is once again at the centre of a terrible controversy as she plans to defy Catholic theology and open a University that will teach children as young as 16 how to have explicit and ground-wobbling sex! The feisty blonde Italian-American superstar is currently at loggerheads with senior Vatican officials over a leaked copy of the University's syllabus.
Madonna University mission statement.
Courses on offer appear to include:
The Art of 20th Century Fellatio: from Impressionism to Post-modernism, via Dada, Cubism and the Theatre of the Absurd.
Putting the Cock into Hitchcock: psychological approaches to the sexual metaphor in the cinema of Alfred Hitchcock.
If he says it isn't his, that probably means it is: an Undergraduate Introduction to Feminist Human Biology.
The Twat: a quantum mechanics overview.
".....If I get so much as one hickey, I'm marking you down Jenkins..."
The star has long been a thorn in the side of the Holy Roman church, most notably when she caused a huge stir with her Like a Prayer video in which she is seen provatively embracing a black Jesus-like figure. But it is thought that this move into the world of education will prove to be the final straw and could see the church go so far as to take steps to ex-communicate her.
"Look here Ciccone - I'm not doing this for my own benefit you know..."
A Church spokesman said, "people go on about this ...this.....hussy of a woman saying she's exploring the contradictions inherent in the Madonna/whore view of femininity engendered in our church and its rituals, but that's a load of old cobblers. The woman's a whore, plain and simple - forget the Madonna business - and what she needs is not encouragement but punishment. Why, if I had my way, I'd put her over my knee right here and now and administer her a sound thrash.....oh, Christ on a bike I've had a misdemeanour in my vestments - it's you journalists with all your talk of whips and stirrups and harnesses and everything", and with that the Archbishop retired to a small room where he was tended by an attractive altar boy.
School discipline, MU-style.
Elsewhere, government educationalists have echoed the church's unease at the idea of the proposed Institution, which cynics have dubbed 'The Madonna Uni-per-versity'. "I think higher education should be about preparing young people for a life of debt and penury caused by our Education policies, not analysing the Semantics of the G-spot or the molecular composition of a marital aid", said senior New Labor minger Reeeeeuuuuuuugggghhhhth Kelly.
Ritchie, Ritchie said: "Shit, shit, shit...." The time honoured response to an unannounced visit from the course validation inspector.
"They should be thinking less about what they're going to do with their todgers and fannies and more about graduating so they can qualify for a string of meaningless tele-sales jobs or become estate agents. Just because when most of the cabinet went to Uni. it was one long round of orgies, drug abuse and radical left-wing politics doesn't mean that today's kids should be allowed to get free blow jobs off hardened sexual practitioners at the taxpayers expense. Although I must say, their part-time evening courses in flagellation for mature students do look rather stimulating..."
The 'Whore of Babylon' instructs her young pupil in the dark arts of lesbianism....and at the taxpayers' expense!!
Madonna herself has remained surprisingly tight-lipped during the whole furore. When questioned by our reporters as she took aim at a young bird, clipping its wing with practiced elan, she had only this to say: "Cock off! Or I'll set my minders on you...now, gerroff me land!!!"
Love on y'all,