BBC executives have expressed "great pride and excitement" at the hugely successful launch of their new alcohol-themed round the clock news service, Booze 24. The new service, launched to coincide with the introduction of new all-day drinking licences, was broadcast live from a selection of pubs around the nation. Despite fears that presenters would spiral out of control due to the increased potential for binge-drinking and alcopop fuelled violence, the broadcasts passed off relatively peacefully with only a few minor scuffles and a passing out incident. Police conducting this morning's post-launch clean-up operation have said they are 'quite pleased' with the way things went - although they did question how supposedly educated and well-brought up people could so persistently misdirect their aim and piss everywhere but into the bloody bowl. Despite some reservations, the law enforcement agencies are predicting that the new service should prove to be a qualified success.
Turnbull defends attempts to guard against Silverton pecking as "completely justified"
A rota system saw the news anchors take turns at the bar, with teetotaller Michal Hussein occasionally taking the reins in the event of any of her colleagues becoming a little "tired and emotional" at any stage. Bill Turnbull and Kate Silverton were close to blows at one stage over an alleged pecking incident and the mysterious appearance of a half-gnawed small rodent carcass amongst Turnbull's packet of pork scratchings, but there were otherwise few alarms. Gorgeous English rose Sophie Raworth did cause a few blushes when her attempts to perform a saucy slow striptease along to 'Hi-ho silver lining' ended in a tangle of tights and hoisted skirts as she collapsed in a pissed-up heap in the middle of a circle of female presenters who had been dancing around a white leather handbag. A BBC spokesman put this down to 'plain exuberance and youthful high spirits'.
Raworth: "not so Hi-ho-silver lining"
Among the day's news successes were the minute-by-minute updates on the deteriorating health of football and drinking legend George Best and a stunning montage of footage from around the nation of vomit splattered hooligans speed-guzzling wine before smashing shop windows and pulling British bulldog poses in front of the cameras. Critics praised the BBC for the focus of its journalism as footage of an ordinary night out in Newcastle, where no extended licenses were granted, was beamed direct from Orwellian round-the-clock police surveillance cameras trained upon innocent, law-abiding citizens - many of whom could at any time be arrested and held for up to three months without charge on no pretext whatsoever - as they went about their business. "I'm just so pleased we didn't miss any other big stories whilst we were giving blanket coverage to a completely uneventful series of non-incidents throughout the country", said a BBC twat.
Stretchmark: "I can see the boozer with these, Serge!"
Elsewhere, ITV executives remained calm despite their public braodcasting rival's huge success. GMTV viewers were shocked by a lewd and erotic duet between two of its journalists in what many are seeing as a desperate and undignified attempt to dumb down news provision standards in order to increase market share. The incident occured as presenters were congratulating news correspondent Cordelia Stretchmark on the news that she has been invited to play the role of Jane Birkin in a forthcoming bio-pic. The news was greeted by a clearly inebriated John Stapleton as an excuse to disgracefully cajole a clearly embarrassed Stretchmark into an extemporised (and completely tuneless) rendition of the Anglo-French chanteuse's sixties hit, 'Je t'aime'. Fortunately, police were able to disentangle the pair before the song's climax.
Raworth: "....better out than in, Jeremy..."
Love on y'all,