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Wednesday, 2 July 2014

A Personal Message from Robert Swipe

As many of you will know, these have been trying times here at Swipe Towers. Work has been piling up all around me but I just haven't been able to get on top of it. The creditors are lining up at the door, my recent trans-Atlantic affair with BBC Breakfast News presenter, Natasha Kaplinsky has been cruelly truncated leaving me with four tonnes of facial polyfilla to dispose of. Terrorists lurk the streets, begging for state handouts. The ice caps are melting, the sun's zooming in, meltdown expected, the wheat is growing thin. And then, to cap it all, the Rolling Stones go on tour. It's more than any sane man can stand.

Normally, I would be able to take such adverse developments in my stride and still be able to show a bright and cheery face to the world. This would have been easier had my State Co-ordinator not goofed up on my medication and substituted my Xanax for quaaludes. (see comments below) I mean, Jeez, the 'ludes are fun - but will they do anything for my ulcer? So, you'll understand, I hope that I was at a pretty low ebb last night when I got a call from my old friend, "Becky".It was late and I'd already washed down three packs of 'ludes with several bottles of Chilean Merlot, so when she asked me if I'd like to pop over to her late night party, what else could I say but "Wzzabbbnadgersnappingbuzddd?"

So, I hope you're all sitting down, because I know this will come as a terrible shock to some of you but, ladies and gentlemen, please give a big Swipester welcome to the new me:

Ms. Roberta Swipe!!!

Love on y'all,


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