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Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Zoe Telford - a further appeal

Hi Swipettes!

Never let it be said that this blog does not know or cater to its audience's (sometimes peculiar, I admit) predilections and fancies. A quick resume of our most frequently requested pages has revealed that I have been massively underestimating the appeal to my readers of the very lovely (and supremely talented) actress, Ms. Zoe Telford. Regular Swipettes will remember that in a recent posting, I appealed for photographs of Ms. Telford (tasteful ones OK, not the stupid nudey ones they promise on so many of these sites that turn out to be doctored photoshops of Bo Derek or Angela Bassett with the head of the lady you've searched for stuck on. Or so I'm told), preferably in the role of a policewoman, as she featured in the delightful C4 series, Teachers.

Now, my market researchers are telling me that I am not alone in wanting to have a small memento of one of Great Britain's most talented young performers to come home to after a long night slaving over crumpled copy at Swipe Towers. An analysis of this site's page visits by content shows a massive 88% (that's eighty-eight per cent!) of our traffic to be attributable to a google search on the phrase...(you guessed it) Zoe+Telford. So, it's quite clear that there is a massive market out there just waiting for a canny entrepreneur to step into and to fill the present void with a tasteful product that will enhance the lives of the restless consumer. Put another way, there's moolah out there guys, let's make it.

Now, the more astute of you will have realised that there is one big drawback here separating my good self from this untapped source of moolah - namely the snaps in question. But, fear not. I have a cunning plan! It's time for a personal message to the lovely Zoe - only she can help. So
, guess what? I mailed her:

Hi Zoe,

You don't know me but I have a propostion I believe may prove to be mutually beneficial. It's come to my attention that a lot of people are being directed to my website in the mistaken belief that it contains erotic or nude images of your good self. Obviously this is not the case (if you have tried searching google as often as I have, you'll know there's just nothing at all out there, believe me - nyet, zilcheroonie). So, Zoe, the long and the short of it is, would you be willing to send me some pictures of your lovely face (and, if you're OK with it we could use a couple of you in the WPC outfit too) to brighten up the day of this blog's readers (and maybe allow you and me to separate some of the more enthusiastic ones from a couple bucks while we're at it - straight 50/50 is OK with me - whaddaya say?) We're counting on you, Zoe - there's a whole lotta searchin' goin' on and D-squat comin' up on the results page, if you get my meaning and, not wanting to appear overly impatient or anything, but time is money and all that... Now, obviously, there will be costs attached and I'm more than willing to weigh in with my share. Believe me, I know that authentic WPC unfits don't come cheap (although ebay has a good selection if you're willing to take a risk... etc.) If you have any reservations, I am open to other alternatives. I will gladly give over a whole day's blog to you in which you can update us on your career/interests/forthcoming projects - the content need not necessarily be of an explicitly sexual nature. In fact, why don't I just rename the whole damn blog - The Zoe Telford Show and be done with it? How's that? Anything you say. Look, Zoe, I don't like this any more than you do - I set this thing up as a lighthearted comedy thing - and now look at it! It's like de Sades R Us, already. But that's the market - what can I do? Look, I just need some 'content' because the bottom line is that I can't afford to lose all these guys who are ending up here in the hope of seeing something they shouldn't, OK? Please, just like send in a little note or something - tell 'em you're thinking of them and what's the hurry big boy, stick around you might see something worth seeing....oooh you have been a naughty boy, haven't you? ...I may just need to take you down to the station....I'm warning you, if you keep on being naughty I may have to handcuff you, I'm afraid...I must warn you that anything you take down will be used as evidence against you...whatever.... Just anything so they don't just click 'next blog' as soon as they find out there's nothing here for them. Just the sad deluded ramblings of a shy, aspiring comic writer from Rothergavenny who has no friends, no family, no life. Look Zoe, I'm begging ya - Will you have a heart?

Kindest regards,


There, that ought to do it.

Until then, feast on the lovely visage above and sleep, perchance to dream....

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