Saucy GMTV Weather vixen Claire Nasir
has rocked the world of showbiz with her revelation that she was sired by Fall singer Mark E. Smith. Said Claire, "my Mum tried to keep it from me for a long time but you know how kids are - curiosity got the better of me and I just had to know the truth. I was intrigued by her late night vigils, all alone with a bottle of Campari and a copy of Rowche Rumble. Then there was the shadowy figure who used to loiter outside the school gates, puffing on a joint and swigging from a plastic litre and a half bottle of Olde English cider. At first I thought it was a tramp or a drug pusher. Turns out it was my Dad!"
One Christmas, Claire summoned up the courage to confront her mother as she was performing a karaoke version of Bingomasters' Breakout for the assembled family. "She opened up her heart to me", revealed Claire, "and told me all about the time she went to see the Fall at the Sheffield Empire and was invited backstage for a crate or two of brown ale. She woke up four days later in an alleyway in Wigan with her skirt 'round her ankles. I'm convinced that was when I was conceived. It's just so romantic!"
But how did veteran Indie star Smith take the news? "At first he was obviously a bit upset. He walked around, dragging on a rolled up ciggie, swearing a lot and occasionally giving me a cuff 'round the ear", said Claire's Mum. "But as Claire started to grow into such a bonnie wee thing, he soon came 'round. How could anyone not? He'd sit her on his knee and sing How I wrote Elastic Man to her until she nodded off. It didn't usually take long!"
Claire is now proud to call Smith her father. "I think it's brill!", she beamed. "And it's certainly solved the mystery as to why I put a strange -uh sound at the end of every word. At first we thought it was some kind of speech impediment that made me say things like, "the cold-uh front-uh will-uh be-uh moving-uh steadily-uh south-uh ward-uh as-uh the-uh day-uh progresses-uh. But now we know!"