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Wednesday, 2 July 2014

melle de jour...

the diary of a london des o'connor's chat show co-host and mossley-born sex goddess.

jeudi 13 octobre

I get home from my last appointment of the day to find a message from D. on the ansa-phone. He's feeling insecure again, can I come over? I tell him I need a quick soak first, but I'll be 'round a.s.a.p. I really need to unwind and it's imperative that I wash the gentleman's relish off, other wise it will set and I'll be worrying at it all week, like a child picking at a scabby knee. I allow myself to luxuriate in the bath for 20 mins. I feel a pleasant tingle as my muscles start to relax - must have been all those push ups (mental note: try to avoid PT instructors in future). I feel quite giddy as the bubbles effervesce around my neck and shoulders. What a shame I'm nearing the end of that compo four-pack of Boddies I got for doing their commercial...

I get dressed - nothing fancy, just a figure hugging lycra jobby and a faux-fur stole (too warm for undies and it's the end of October!) and jog 'round to D's. I can tell by his distracted look and gentle swaying as he answers the door that he's already cracked open the 3-star Metaxa. What's up chuck? I ask. Have those two been picking on yer again? A grumpy, sullen nod. What have they been saying this time? D. reels off the usual list and even I find it hard to keep a straight face:

Eric: What does the Des stand for? Ernie: Desperate!

Eric: I've just bought his new LP & it's his best yet...Ernie: really....
...Eric: yes, there's absolutely nothing on it!

Ernie: Where did you buy it?

Eric: Boots.

Ernie: Did you need a prescription?

Eric: No. I got it off the poison shelf...

Ernie:...he got it off the poison shelf!!

Eric: Well I like him.

And so it goes on, hour after hour. I don't know why he hangs around with them. Men eh, what are you like??

// posted by melle @ 2:45 PM


  1. OK, Robert it is time you spilled the beans about where you get these wonderful pictures from...

  2. Hey, I.C.!

    Thanks for dropping by!

    Just between you and me, most of these from my private collection - I used to be a fashion photographer before an endless supply of class A drugs snorted off the emaciated models of glacial supermodels kinda took over my life. But fear not, Swipe Enterprises will soon be launching a merchandising site and I'm sure that many of your favourites will be appearing as postcards/wallpaper/duvet covers/coffee mug holders etc.

    I'll keep you posted!

    Thanks again and good luck with the old expansion of free-market liberalism around the globe thing.

    Love on ya,


  3. What an oddly erotic diary entry. Hey, I say if you wanna go commando mid-autumn because of the unseasonable weather, that's just one more thing pollution has got right! Global Warming - 523, Treehugging Commies - 0...

  4. (whispers:) Ross, it's entirely fictional.... but I'm with you on the erotica bit. Just the merest mention of M&W gives me a stiffy for days!

    Love on ya,



  5. (I know its fictional, but can't a boy dream...? Also, I'm not really pro-pollution or anti-treehugging - some of my best friends are trees.)

  6. Ross,

    Like Tom Waits said - Dream Away! I can only wish you dreams as happy as mine will with THAT piccy of Mel under the Swipe pillow tonight...

    Trees are, on the whole, a pretty decent collective who give freely to us of their oxygen and are unstinting in their benevolent acquiring of all our harmful carbon dioxide. I'm all for them as a rule, but - and I don't want to tread on any roots here, or ruffle any branches and possibly bad mouth any of your friends - isn't the spruce a bit of a selfish bastard?

    Love on ya,


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  8. I think you're right on track and not many people are willing to admit that they share your views. naveen andrew kama sutra is an AWESOME place to discuss LOST.

  9. Oh man, don't even get me started on bloody spruces! It's all "me, me, me" and "get your baps out" to any passing young lady. Honestly, no respect for women, and I have to say, I think they might be anti-semitic. Not all of 'em, of course, I'm not a biggot, but enough to make me wish they'd go back to where ever it is they came from, you know, 'originally'.

  10. I do love the ladies, Robert. I do. Where's Miller's email?