News filtering in from over the pond in Blighty of a terrible new phenomenon. Once orderly and peaceful British streets are now regularly afflicted by hordes of young people, roaming zombie-like, some staggering, some sprawled in an undignified heap in the gutter, some fiddling for small change which, in their unco-ordinated and hapless state ends up cascading to the ground causing a barbaric and unseemly melee. The cause? There can only be one: the demon drink.
Yes, Swipe Towers researchers have revealed that binge publicans, by guzzling as much cash from the pockets of innocent drunkards and incipient alcoholics have caused this anti-social and dangerous state of affairs. Not content with a quiet evening's takings and a slight mark up on the soft drinks and crisps, these vile men and, increasingly and alarmingly, women are increasingly and alarmingly intent upon wrestling ever larger quantities of cash - sometimes as much as three pounds is being charged for a tepid and almost certainly diluted pint of piss-weak lager - from ever-younger and more vulnerable "punters". Public House tills are literally awash with the money these voracious and uncaring individuals are extracting from pub regulars in protracted and insane cash raking sessions which often end in late night spectacles of drunken hand rubbing and cynical exploitation.
The situation, bad now, is expected to explode into a full-blown crisis of folk-devil/moral panic dimensions under HARSH NEW DRINKING LAWS dreamed up by mental Home Office Minger Hazel Bleeeeeeuuuugggghhs and her team of idiotic twats. Faced with the huge costs being inflicted on the wallets of ordinary, decent law-abiding anti-social drinkers, Bleeeeeuuuuuuurrrrghhhhhhs has opened the way for pubs to stay open even longer and thus allowing publicans to scalp innocent hordes of mindless hooligans of even greater sums of cash in frenzied spew-fests of unmitigated beer carnage. Financial Advisors have warned of horrific financial implications to those who succumb to the lure of binge landlords. "It starts off with a few rounds at £14 or £15 a go and before you know it, you're spazzing the month's food money on a couple of brandy Alexander chasers at 3am. These people are just sick - they'd take your last coppers off you for a half of slops in a dirty glass", said a spokesman.
But it's not all one way traffic. Analysts predict that breweries and pub management teams run the risk of becoming seriously selfish bastards by pursuing their sordid and meanspirited profiteering at this gargantuan rate. £14.50 has been spent on a government advertising campaign highlighting the risks of penury attached to binge drink buying and this is expected to ameliorate the hazards completely.
Keep up the good work!