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Wednesday, 2 July 2014

Eno Emerges as Frontrunner in Tory Leadership Race - exclusive!!

Hi Swipettes!!

Seventies prog rock legend Brian Eno has been installed by the bookies as the hot new favourite to succeed Michael Howard as leader of the Conservative Party. His barnstorming speech on the last day of the party's conference was met with a standing ovation and his impassioned plea for the party to modernise in the wake of a third electoral trouncing will have gone down well in the country at large and with the party membership who will ultimately decide the issue. Eno called for the party to drag itself into the 21st Century. "I want to lead a party in which it is not considered odd to wear a feather boa and extravagent mascara and lip gloss. I want a Moog sythesizer with a spaghetti junction of leads and wires spilling from the back in every school. I want to create a party that fills the room with calm, contemplative ambience that you can wash the dishes to - not some noisy rabble who are always pissing off foreigners and pooves."

In a candid and in-depth post-speech interview, the influential former Roxy Music keyboard wizard was asked by leggy Newsnight presenter Kirsty Wark why he felt he should be the new Tory party boss. "I'm just as posh as David Cameron only, unlike him, I have the common touch. I mean, can you imagine him strolling into the public bar of his local boozer and asking for a light and bitter for him and some pork scratchings for the Staffordshire Bull? Of course not. I'm better looking than David Davis and Liam Rifkind. Liam Fox is a tit and who wants a leader like Ken Clarke who'd rather listen to his fuddy duddy old Stan Kenton records than get down to the new CD from the Aphex Twin? I rest my case."

Asked by Wark what his approach to government would be should win not only the leadership contest but also the next general election, Eno was emphatic. "I will dispense with the cabinet altogether and govern with the help of my Oblique Strategies cards. As far as I'm concerned, the instruction to "Balance the consistency principle with the inconsistency principle" is of far more use to me than John Redwood rabbiting on about immigration and market liberalisation like a bloody psychopath. Besides, making up policy on the hoof without any form of rational thought or debate has always worked for New Labour, so why on earth shouldn't it work for us?"

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